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Dr. Carr flipped through her notebook. “Let’s talk about Shawn.”
I shook my head. Shawn was off limits. “I’m a good mother. I love my little boy.”
“No one is questioning that.”
“Then why would you bring him up?”
“Because last week you made an interesting comment. You said now Malcolm knows, and you don’t want Shawn to be treated differently because of it.” She paused.
I shifted in my chair. “It was nothing. An unfounded fear.”
“You talked to Malcolm about this fear and worked out whatever it was?” The way she put emphasis on it wasn’t missed on me.
I sat back and crossed my arms in front of my chest. My knee began to bounce. “Not exactly. We’ve talked about a lot of topics over the last week, but my worries about Shawn were put to rest.”
Dr. Carr placed her notebook on the side table then sat back in her chair. She took off her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose for a moment before putting them back on. “Remember when I asked you to really think about what you were afraid of?”
I thought back, trying to recall that particular session. I started nodding as the memories returned. It was at the tail end of my emergency session.
“Did you ever identify that fear?”
I sat forward, with my elbows resting on my knees. The palms of my hand massaged my forehead. I nodded again. “Um…” I sat up to look at her. “Yeah, maybe.”
She cocked her head to the side. “Maybe?”
I let out a heavy sigh. “Ninety-nine percent of the time I felt like a fraud. Like I said, they wanted me better, so that’s what I showed. So...I...I guess my biggest fear was having someone see through the facade. I feared...I fear being vulnerable.”
“What does that word mean to you?”
I sat back, pulling my knees to my chest. “Being weak, incapable of taking care of myself. All the stuff I said last week...I thought if they knew it’d be more pity, and disappointment.”
“You keep saying ‘they.’ Who is they exactly?”
I shrugged. “My parents. Macy.” I looked at the ring on my finger. I thought about what he’d said when he gave it to me. The promises he’d made. “Malcolm. Him more than anyone, actually. He went into this thing with me under false pretenses. Thinking I was a different person. A better person. A stronger person than I actually am.”
“And now?”
I looked up at her. “Huh?”
“Does Malcolm know differently now? Have you allowed him to see the person you consider to be the real you?”
I gave a curt laugh and nodded. “Yeah. Not intentionally, but yeah he knows.”
“So, you’ve showed him your vulnerability.”
I nodded.
“And how did he react? Was he disappointed in the real you?”
I shook my head. “He was upset that I felt like I had to hide things.”
“That’s understandable. You have a good support system, Calida. You need to utilize them.”
“You sound like him.”
She smiled. “It takes a strong person to let others see you at your lowest.”
“I guess, but it doesn’t feel that way.”
