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She took a deep breath with her hand on her heart. "You just promise me if you're not happy, you'll come home no matter what, Gabriel."
"I promise, Mama."
She sat again. "When you supposed to go?"
"Tonight at midnight," I said. She looked frightened, her eyes growing glassy. "It will be fine, Mama."
She bit down on her lower lip and nodded, swallowing back her tears. It made my chest ache.
I went upstairs to choose the few things I would bring with me. I decided to take the pictures of Mama and Daddy when they were first married. I packed some underthings, two nightgowns, three dresses, another pair of moccasins, some ribbons for my hair, my combs and brushes. While I was choosing things, Mama prepared a package that contained her homemade soap, some herbs she wanted me to take with my meals, and a small statue of Saint Medad. I put some books and magazines in my bag and a pad and pen for writing my journals and doodling. I was sure Gladys Tate would give me other things to do when I asked. I could embroider and weave to pass the time.
That evening Mama prepared one of my favorite meals: her crawfish etouffee. She kept busy to keep from worrying and made some lace cookies. Daddy had gone to town to shop for some of the things he was planning to buy with the money. He returned with a box of chocolates and a bottle of French toilet water for Mama. It had been a while since I had seen him so buoyant and happy. He cleaned himself up for dinner and wore his best shirt and pants. As we ate, he rattled on and on about things we should do in the house.
"What'cha say we buy a new stove, Catherine?"
"The one I have is fine, Jack."
"Well, that ain't the point. I was thinking we would get one of them new radios and maybe I'll get you one of them Mixmasters so you don't have to stand over the bowl and churn and churn all day, how's that? And what about one of them
whatchamacallits that suck dirt up?"
"You need electricity for all those things, Jack," Mama reminded him dryly.
"Well, we'll get the electricity now. I got the money coming, don't I?"
"Don't spend it all in one day, Jack," Mama warned.
"Oh, I know that. I'm giving you a stash, but I'll need some money to invest. Can't live off five thousand forever, you know," he said as if he were already a big businessman. "Maybe instead of a truck and tools, I'll see about getting me my own shrimp boat with a down payment or--"
"Stop it," Mama said. Tears were streaming down her cheeks.
"What? What ,I do?"
She got up from the table and ran out the front door. "What I do?" Daddy asked me, his arms out.
"It's all right, Daddy. Let me talk to her."
I followed her. She was sitting in her rocker, staring at the darkness.
"Mama."
"I can't abide him sitting there gloating over all the things he's going to do with that money, Gabriel. I'm sorry. It's tainted money, no matter what," she insisted.
"I know, Mama. But it's not the money that matters so much. It's having a good place for the baby and keeping the shame from our door. Gladys Tate is right: Even though it's not my fault, people will think bad things about me, and what good man will want to know me?"
"She said that?"
"Yes, Mama."
"She really wants this baby, don't she?"
"It certainly seemed that way, Mama."
Mama sighed deeply and then held out her arms. I knelt beside her and buried my face against her bosom the way I used to when I was just a little girl and she held me close and rocked a bit. Then she kissed the top of my head.
"All right," she said. "I'll be all right. Just tell him to stuff his mouth with a pound of hemp."
I laughed and hugged her again. Mama was my best friend. There would be no one like her in the world for me, ever. It was knowledge that made me happy, but sad too, for I knew I would lose her someday and have to face mornings and days, nights and the stars, without her wisdom and comfort, her love and her smiles. It would be like a cloud forever and ever blocking the sun.
