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"Daddy called his client and left me at the motel while he went to see him. There was access to the beach behind the complex and I took off my shoes and walked barefoot in the water as the tide washed ashore. I kept thinking how Mother would complain that I would track in sand or catch some disease on my feet. It made me laugh and I was suddenly filled with this great sense of freedom. It was as if Daddy had snuck me out of the castle, out from behind the high walls and chains of rules. Here I could soar, laugh, splash and be devil-may-care.
"It was a beautiful afternoon, with just a few wispy clouds across the horizon. I threw myself on the beach and stared up at the blue sky, dreaming of floating up into it. The sand was so warm and cozy. I must have fallen asleep for a while because suddenly I heard Daddy's laugh.
"'There you are,' he cried. thought you might have run off with that gas station attendant.'
"'Oh Daddy,' I said. `He wasn't really looking at me that way.'
"'Like hell, he wasn't!' Daddy exclaimed. In our house my mother hated when he said hell or damn, not because she was so religious. She just thought it was crude and a bad influence on me. Out here with the vast ocean before us, the wind blowing through my hair, the sky so blue, nothing, no rules, mattered.
"'Well,' he said, `I'm free now. What would you like to eat? Why don't we have seafood? We're at the ocean,' he said. Everything sounded exciting to me.
" `Should I change back into my other clothes?' I asked
"'Absolutely not,' he said. 'I want everyone to be jealous of me.'
"He reached down for my hand and we walked back to the motel together, where he showered, shaved and dressed while I watched television. We went to a very nice restaurant on the wharf and I had lobster and then we shared a dessert, something called a mud pie, which was a wedge of vanilla ice cream smothered in hot fudge. Again, I could hear my mother chastising us for eating such a rich dessert.
"Before we returned to the motel, we did what he had promised: we went into the town and visited some of the quaint shops. He bought me some inexpensive but interesting artistic jewelry, a necklace and a ring. He said they would go well with my new party dress, the one he had bought, of course.
"It was one of the happiest and nicest days I could remember. When we returned to the motel, I assumed we were going to sleep. I got ready for bed. Daddy watched television, sitting in a chair, and his eyes closed. I never felt as contented so I was confident that I would have only good dreams.
"Some time after I had fallen asleep, I woke in the dark room because I felt him beside me.
"'It's time for your last lesson,' he whispered, his lips touching my ear.
"My heart began to pound.
"'What, Daddy?'
"'Girls who do go too far are like swimmers who have gone beyond the buoy out in the ocean you saw today. The waves have taken control. Despite what they want now, they are lost in the rhythm and can only wait for it to end.'
"As he spoke to me softly, he ran his hands over me, lifting my nightgown.
"'Daddy,' I moaned. 'This is wrong!'
"'You have to know what this is like,' he insisted. 'And it's not wrong. It would only be wrong if I were your real daddy.'
"Not my real daddy, I thought. What did he mean? The shock in my eyes made him stop.
"'You're finally old enough to know the truth, Cathy. Yes, you're adopted, but even though you were adopted, we've always loved you. Still, don't tell your mother I've told you. It was something we were supposed to do together someday. Don't worry about it. You're my special girl, remember.' He moved his body over mine and kept whispering in my ear, 'My special girl. My special girl.'
"It hurt, but I don't know what hurt more: what he was doing or finding out the truth about myself. I was spinning with such confusion, it all seemed like a whirlwind of nightmares. I cried and cried and in the morning, I saw the blood. There was some on my nightgown.
He told me I had to throw it away. If I didn't, my mother would wonder and the most important thing, always the most important thing, was keeping our special secret.
"I wasn't very talkative the next morning. For a while, the shock of all that had happened took my attention away from what he had told me. Daddy tried to cheer me up. He talked about other places we would visit, now that I was old enough and could be independent. A few times, I thought I would ask more about my adoption, but I couldn't bring myself to form the words.
"We got back on the highway and headed for home. Again, he tried cheering me up by talking about the dance and how much fun I was going to have. I fell asleep for most of the trip and didn't wake up until we were pulling into our driveway.
"'Everything all right?' he asked me before we got out.
"Everything all right? I thought. You told me I was adopted and after what we did, everything is supposed to be all right?
"'Yes,' I lied and hurried into the house.
'Did you take your morning bath?' was my mother's first and only question the moment she saw me. She didn't ask a thing about the day, where we had gone or what we had done. I told her yes and went up to my room.
"I looked into my mirror and didn't recognize the girl I saw there. I couldn't shake off the feeling of being dirty. I still feel like that once in a while, but learning I was adopted, that I had a mother and father that I had never known left me feeling even more empty inside. Shattered. . ."
