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"You can stop now, Cathy," Doctor Marlowe said. I gazed at her and shook my head.
"No," I said. "I can finish."
She smiled at me.
The three girls, my sister Orphans With Parents, weren't smiling. They were the ones holding their breath now.
I wanted to say, "It's all right. Everything's going to be all right."
But I had no idea if it was or ever would be.
9
"I think something died inside me that night at the motel."
I looked at Doctor Marlowe and smiled.
"Some people think it was innocence. The little girl was gone, swept away abruptly.
"I felt so tentative about myself, so uncertain. Rather than my now being armed with a new, mature confidence, I felt like I was blindfolded, walking on a tightrope, unsure about every step, anticipating some great fall. With that feeling came the loss of all the excitement that I had felt building in me about the dance. I wasn't even interested in going anymore. I felt sick, weak, drained of my emotions.
"I lay on my bed and stared up at the ceiling for hours with my eyes wide open, thinking of nothing that I can recall.
"Daddy was the only one to check on me. Mother wasn't doing anything to encourage my going to the dance, of course. When he saw I was just moping about and he realized how late it was, he came up to see why.
"He knocked lightly on my door. I didn't respond and he opened it and peered in.
"'What are you doing? Don't you have to get ready?' he asked.
"I was afraid to let him know what I was feeling so I complained about being a little nauseous and tired. He came into my room and closed the door behind him
"'That's just stage fright,' he said with a smile. 'All girls have it on their first date or social event, Cathy.'
"I didn't agree or disagree. I just turned my head and stared at the pillow.
"'It's not important anymore,' I muttered.
"'Not important anymore? Of course, it's important. Cathy, you've got to go now,' he insisted. 'If you don't, your mother will blame it on my taking you to Santa Barbara. She'll start to rant and rave about disease and dirt and all that. We'll never be able to go anywhere again without-her bringing it up and complaining. You won't have a minute's peace if you stay home. Believe me.
"'Besides,' he said, 'I got you that wonderful dress and those shoes and you have the jewelry to wear. You're going to be the belle of the ball. Don't miss this, Cathy. C'mon, sweetheart. Why have I spent all this time with you? All the lessons,' he added. 'After your experience, I'll spend time with you again and we'll talk about what more you need to know, okay? Cathy?'
"I felt my stomach churn and I had to swallow and swallow to keep from having to throw up.
"'Okay, Daddy,' I said. `I'll start to get ready.'
"I just wanted him away, wanted him to stop talking. "'Good. I know just where to pull over between here and the school for you to change into the real dress waiting for you in the car trunk,' he said. 'I'm taking my camera and I'll snap a few shots of you so we can have something precious to remind us of our special secret.'
"He came over and touched my hair and stood there looking down at me. For the first time, I felt myself cringe inside. I was afraid he might sense it, too, but he didn't.
"'You're so pretty. My special little girl,' he said, leaning down to kiss me on the cheek before he lef
t, closing the door softly behind him.
"It still took a great deal of effort for me to gather enough enthusiasm to bathe, do my hair and dress, but I did. I moved like someone just going through the motions, someone in a daze.
"However, when I put on that dress my mother had bought and insisted I wear, I stared at myself and just started to giggle and giggle. It was like a dam had broken. In fact, I was a lot like I had been at Kelly's house after I had drunk too much rum. I couldn't stop laughing. Tears rolled down my cheeks. My chest and my ribs ached so much, it actually frightened me, but I couldn't stop.
"I tried holding my breath. That didn't work either. My lungs just burst, leaving me gasping for air. My legs gave out and I sat on the bathroom floor. My sitting there with the skirt of that dress all around me oozing green struck me even funnier, I guess, because I laughed harder. It was maddening. My peals of laughter were interspersed with dry heaves. My entire insides felt like they were in rebellion. I thought my whole body might come up and out of my mouth, including my lungs and my heart. It would all spill out on the floor."
