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“I did,” Keith says softly. “I would go back and forth from being mad at Janie for taking those two years of Carsen’s life away from me to thankful she’d done this selfless thing to let me chase my dreams unencumbered, even if she thought it was because I wouldn’t be able to support them, financially or emotionally. I mean, I’d left her . . . them, even if I didn’t know it . . . for what? To play in smoky bars for drunks for all hours of the night? But she gave me this incredible gift. Carsen stole my heart the moment I laid eyes on her.
“We’d been living together for about six months when Janie didn’t come home after work one day. I was scared something had happened to her, but I had a gig at a new club, the biggest one I’d ever played. I had to leave Carsen with a neighbor, and I called Janie over and over between sets.”
“No answer,” I say, reading where this is going.
Keith shakes his head again, his voice hitching as I see tears well up in the corners of his eyes. “The next morning, her parents called me. Janie had been walking home, crossing the street, and a drunk driver hit her before running into a pole. Janie didn’t make it. She died instantly. The driver died too. The police had called Janie’s next of kin, her parents. Not me, because I wasn’t her husband. I was just the father of her child whom she lived with.”
I can see the hurt in his eyes, and my heart aches to soothe Keith’s pain. So much pain, more than any one man should have by himself. “Keith, I’m sorry.”
He nods, plunging ahead because he has to unburden himself of this weight. “It messed me up bad for a while. Luckily, Janie’s parents were fine with Carsen staying with me. They could’ve fought me for custody, especially since I was barely scraping by back then. But they agreed that Carsen needed to be with her father. I think they felt guilty over what happened with Janie before she left home, and having that reminder wasn’t something they could handle. That’s when Sarah came to Boise to help me. She stayed with me in that shack of a room, taking care of Carsen. Hell, taking care of me. And that’s when I got another call.
“That night, the same night Janie had been hit . . . there’d been an A&R at the new club and he’d liked my sets. He told me to get my ass to Nashville, that I was good, had potential but had some growing to do.”
A&R . . . industry term for a talent scout. “What did you do?”
Keith laughs bitterly. “I was in bad shape, but Sarah knocked some sense into me, literally and figuratively. So we moved to Nashville, the three of us. I played there for a while, learning as much as I could, and one night, that same guy came in. That’s when I got a contract and the machine of my ‘career’ started really turning. At first, it wasn’t really a conscious decision to keep quiet about her. But when things started happening fast, I realized how quickly my life was changing and was scared what that would do to her. I wanted her to have as normal a life as possible.”
“How many people know about Carsen?” I ask curiously. “The record company has to know.”
“Their lawyer does. It’s part of the whole copyright estate thing,” Keith says, “but not too many people, actually. Only those I truly trust.”
He doesn’t have to say it, but I’m obviously not one of those people, but now I know too. He’s quiet, the weight of everything he just said heavy in the room as I digest it all.
“So? What do you think?” he asks. “Devoted father? Misguided fuckup?”
I stand, moving in front of him, and kneel down between his legs to bring myself to the same level and look him directly in the eyes. “I think you sound like a wonderful father who loves his daughter very much.”
“Thank you.” I can feel his relief at my positive judgment. “I haven’t told anyone this in a very long time. Elise, can I trust you with this?”
There’s no doubt in my mind or my heart as I nod, taking his hands. “I know that even though I’m saying yes, you’ll have doubts. That it’ll take time for you to trust me. But Keith . . . yes. I will never tell, and if I can, I’d like to get to know you more, and Carsen too, if you’re okay with that?”
He scans my face, looking for any trace of lie, but I’m telling the truth. I may not quite understand Keith’s vehemence at keeping Carsen a secret, but if that’s what he wants, I can support him and not be the weapon of destruction that obliterates the normal life he’s built for his daughter over the last decade.
