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My heart seemed to stop as I waited for Arden’s response after I told him Sylvia had to go with us. He blanched, then quietly agreed.
Perhaps Billie was right to look worried as she waved goodbye.
I Take Thee, Arden
In a small town in North Carolina, where the law permitted couples to be married on the same day they took out a marriage license, Arden and I were wedded by a fat, balding justice of the peace, while his plain-looking, skinny wife played atrocious wedding music on a worn-out old organ. When the brief ceremony was over, she sang (without our request) “I Love You Truly.”
Sylvia perched restlessly on what looked like a bridge chair, swinging her feet as she played with the crystal prisms and babbled incessantly to herself, as if suddenly she’d found her voice and was going to use it, even if she couldn’t say meaningful words—or was she trying to sing? It was difficult to concentrate on our vows.
“In a few years we’ll do it all over again in the proper way,” promised Arden as we headed south toward a famous beach and a fine hotel. “You look so pretty in that violet suit. It matches your eyes. You have such wonderful eyes, so deep. I wonder if ever in a million years I will have time to find out all your secrets.”
Uneasily I fidgeted. “I have no secrets.”
By nightfall we were registered in the hotel. Soon we were in the dining room, where all the guests stared at Sylvia shoving food into her wide-open mouth without benefit of cutlery. “I’ve been working on that, too,” I said with apology to Arden. “Sooner or later she’ll catch on.” He smiled and said that we’d both teach Sylvia how to be the perfect lady.
I was glad dinner took a long time. Only too soon would come the time I dreaded most.
Try as I would, that dark, fugitive memory of the wet woodsy day kept flashing before my eyes. Sex had killed the First Audrina, and it was my wedding night. Arden wouldn’t hurt me, I said again to reassure myself. It wouldn’t be awful with him. The pain and the terror and the ugliness all belonged to that crazy rocking chair dream of the First Audrina; it didn’t belong in my life with a wedding certificate in my purse.
Arden was wonderfully considerate, tolerant of Sylvia as he simultaneously tried to be romantic with me—a nearly impossible task. I felt sorry for him as he tried so hard.
He’d rented a double suite of rooms with a connecting door so Sylvia could have her own bathroom, and in her bathroom I slowly, painstakingly did what I had to. When I tucked her into the wide bed I gave her strict orders to stay in bed—or else. The last thing I did was put half a glass of water on the nightstand. “Drink as little as possible so you won’t have an accident during the night.” I kissed her and reluctantly withdrew when she drifted into sleep, still clutching the crystal prisms.
In the bedroom Arden and I were to share, he paced the floor impatiently while I took an hour-long tub bath and shampooed my hair. Next I rolled it on curlers, used my hair dryer, creamed my face, and while my hair finished drying, I removed my nail polish and did my nails all over again, my toenails, too. Now that my hair was thoroughly dry, I had to wait for my nails to dry as well. When they seemed solid enough, I carefully took out the curlers and brushed the tight curls into loose, soft waves. I sprayed on cologne and puffed on talcum and finally dropped a fancy nightgown down over my head. Stupid, stupid, I was calling myself for being afraid to go to my husband.
I tugged at the revealing nightgown Billie had given me on my last birthday, wishing it weren’t so transparent, though I guessed she’d given it to me for just this reason. It had a matching peignoir of violet, with creamy lace that wasn’t placed to conceal anything. When I’d finished every last detail I could think of, I sat on the edge of the bathtub and just stared at the closed door, dreading to open it and go through.
I kept seeing Momma as I sat there, so much like I looked, only older. I thought of Papa and the belt he used for a whip. I envisioned again all that had happened to the First Audrina that awful day in the rain when she’d been found dead under a golden raintree. A child raped, it wasn’t fair or right. I began to tremble, and beads of sweat came to dampen my armpits despite the deodorant I wore. I saw Vera rolling about on the floor with Lamar Rensdale, and the violent way he’d taken her, like a rutting animal. I couldn’t go through with it. I didn’t want to go through with it.
Standing, I began to unfasten my peignoir—I couldn’t let him see me in this bit of nothing.
“Audrina,” called Arden from the other side of the locked bathroom door, his voice beginning to sound angry, “what’s taking you so long? You’ve been in there for hours.”
“Give me five more minutes,” I answered nervously. Already I’d promised him that two times before. I fiddled with my hair, the peignoir, taking it off, thinking about pulling on my panties or getting fully dressed again. I began to chew on my fingernails, a habit long ago abandoned. I told myself again that Arden had known me since I was seven, seen me in playclothes, in a bathing suit, in all sorts of conditions … but he’d never seen me in a see-through nightie just before intimate relations. Yet he was my husband now. Why did I have to be so worried? I wouldn’t end up dead under a golden raintree, or on the floor, nor would he use his belt … would he?
“One more minute,” reminded Arden. “I’m holding you to your time limit… and no more excuses.” His tone was so grim it scared me. He’d never sounded so harsh before. Oh, it was just like I’d heard Aunt Mercy Marie, Aunt Ellsbeth and my momma say: You never knew a man until you married him.
“I’m watching the second hand,” he informed me. “You’ve got thirty seconds now. If you’re not out when you promised, I’m coming in. Even if I have to kick down that door, I’m coming in!”
I shrank back against the wall, my heart pounding as I panicked. I took a step closer to the door, said a quick prayer for the soul of my aunt and asked her forgiveness for not attending her funeral.
“Time’s up!” he yelled. “Stand back—I’m coming through.”
He’d hurt himself if he backed up and ran forward to slam his shoulder through the door. He kicked the door twice, but it didn’t budge. I heard him swear and guessed he was going to throw himself against the door next. Hurriedly I turned the lock and threw open the door.
It was his misfortune to hurl himself forward at the very second I swung the door inward. He slammed hard against the tile wall opposite the door. He crashed against it, then slid to the floor and lay there looking stunned and in terrible pain.
Rushing forward, I knelt to hover above him. “Oh, Arden, I’m sorry, so sorry. I didn’t know you’d really try to break down the door.”
To my surprise, he laughed and grabbed for me. He began to smother me with kisses. His words came between them. “I’ve heard that brides can get stage fright, but Audrina, I thought you loved me.” More kisses on my face, neck, the swell of my breasts. “It’s not as if we just met.”
Jerking away, I rose to my feet. Painfully he stood, too, before he leaned over and felt for broken bones. “I guess nothing is permanently damaged,” he said with a good-natured grin. Tenderly he took me in his arms and gazed deeply into my eyes. “You don’t have to look so scared. All this is kinda funny in a way, like a farce, but I don’t want our wedding night to be a farce. I love you, Audrina. We’ll take it easy, go slow, and you’ll be surprised at how naturally things come about.” Lightly he kissed me with his parted lips. “Your hair looked great before, you didn’t have to wash it again. Yet, I’ve never seen you look so beautiful … and even if you do look terrified, you take my breath away.” Again he kissed me, like he didn’t want to stop. “I’ll be finished in a flash,” he said, reluctan
tly parting and entering the bathroom.
He didn’t have to tell me that. I’d known all along he’d be finished in a “flash.”
I’d have to endure this night, and all the nights to come if I was to escape Papa and find the physical rapport every woman was supposed to enjoy with the man she truly loved.
