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Pulling off the peignoir that Arden hadn’t even noticed, I slipped between the sheets of that huge bed. Hardly had I arranged myself comfortably when Arden was opening the bathroom door, finished with his shower and what little else a man did to get ready for bed.
Quickly he came to the bed, silhouetted briefly before the golden light behind him. To my horror, he wore nothing but a damp bath towel swathed about his slim hips. Whatever dim light there was in the hotel room seemed to concentrate on his damp, shiny skin, forcing me to take notice of his maleness even when I didn’t want to think about it. I just wanted this night over and done with as quickly as possible. I could have screamed from the casual way he took off that towel and tossed it aside. It missed the chair arm he aimed for and slid to the floor.
Oh, it was already starting, all the sloppy things neat men did after they had a wife to pick up after them. “You forgot to turn off the bathroom light.”
“Because you turned off all the lights in here,” he said easily, “and I like some light. I could open the draperies instead, and let in the moonlight.” The scent of toothpaste was on his breath. He lingered by the bed, as if wanting me to look him over in the pale rosy night light he turned on.
“Darling, look at me. Don’t keep your head turned. I’ve waited for this night for years and years. I’ve gone through all sorts of trouble to make my body muscular and attractive, and not once have you ever said anything to say that you noticed. Do you ever notice anything about me except my face?”
I swallowed. “Yes, of course I’ve noticed.”
Smiling, he put one knee on the bed. Alarmed at what I saw briefly before my eyes took flight again, I drew into a tighter knot inside and inched farther away on the bed. “Audrina, you’re shivering. It’s not cold in here. Don’t be frightened. We love each other. I’ve kissed you, embraced you, and a few times I’ve dared a bit more and was quickly reprimanded. There’s more to making love than all that combined.” His low voice sounded worried. “You do know what this is all about, I hope …?”
Yes, I knew. Perhaps too much. I stared toward the windows, sickeningly terrified. The faint and distant sound of thunder filtered into our room. With the approaching electrical storm came a new flood of terror, bringing with it visions of the dark woods overhung with leaden skies. Like it had been in the First Audrina’s room, I felt the ominous threat of what lay ahead.
Rain, oh, please, God, don’t let it rain tonight!
Fraction by fraction he moved closer. I could sense him in every pore. I breathed his special male aroma, felt his nakedness, felt my own vulnerability beneath my nothing nightgown. My skin seemed to wake up and turn into a zillion antennae, each almost invisible hair quivering, warning me to do something and do it quickly. Back, back, I was going back to the rocking chair when it had frightened me, before I learned how to escape the horror of the woods. I felt myself rocking, heard a childish voice singing, saw the spiders spinning, saw the eyes of the stuffed animals glinting, heard the floorboards squeaking. The wind was blowing and soon the lightning would flash and the thunder would crash.
Arden said something sweet. Why couldn’t I hear clearly? “I love you,” I heard him say again, his voice coming to me as if through a dream. My heart thudded so loudly that I hardly heard him above the noise of all that was happening inside of me.
Very close now, Arden turned on his side and tentatively put out his hand to lightly touch my upper arm. His fingertips brushed the left side of my breast. Don’t, don’t, I wanted to yell. I lay there speechless with fright, my eyes so wide they began to ache. My mouth became very dry.
He cleared his throat and moved so his flesh was against mine, hot flesh, bristly with hair. His lips, even hotter and moist, brushed over mine. I shrank into the pillow, trying to choke back a scream. “What’s the matter?” he asked. “Have you stopped loving me already, Audrina?”
An excuse came to me from one hole in my memory. Momma saying to Papa she was too tired. “I’m just so tired, Arden. It’s been a long day. My aunt died this morning. Why can’t you just hold me in your arms tonight and tell me you love me over and over again, and then, perhaps, I won’t feel so ashamed.”
“There’s nothing to be ashamed of,” he said lightly, though I sensed his tenseness. “You’re feeling like lots of brides feel, so I’ve been told. Since you’re my first, and I hope my last, I can’t speak from experience.”
I wanted to ask him if I was the first girl he’d taken to bed, but I was afraid he’d say no. I wanted him to be just as inexperienced as I was; then, contrarily, I wanted him to know exactly what to do to make me like what I was sure I would hate. If I really knew he’d waited to have sex with me first, that would prove he loved me enough.
His fingers lightly trailed a pattern up and down my arm as he leaned above me, forcing me to close my eyes. Hadn’t I heard my own mother say that boys were always more ready than girls for sex? Joking with my aunt at the time, with Aunt Mercy Marie, too, as she sat smiling vacuously on the piano.
Now his hands dared more, venturing to fondle my breasts before his fingers arrowed in more specifically. They began to circle round and round my nipples, which were only lightly covered by the thin fabric. I shivered, cringed away and wearily asked, “Have you ever had sex before?”
“Did you have to ask that at a time like this?”
“Is it the wrong thing to ask?”
His sigh sounded exasperated. “There are differences between men and women, some say. Maybe that’s true, and maybe it’s not. A woman can live out her life happily without sex, so I’ve heard said, but a man has a buildup of sperm that has to be released in one way or another. The most pleasurable way is with the woman he loves. Loving is sharing, Audrina. Sharing mutual pleasure, not pain, and not shame, either.”
“Did Billie tell you to say that to me?” I asked hoarsely.
His too eager lips burned the hollow of my throat before he murmured, “Yes. Before we left the cottage, she took me aside and told me to be very tender and slow with you tonight. She didn’t have to tell me that. I would have been anyway. I want to do everything right. Give me a chance, Audrina. Maybe it won’t be as terrible as you’re thinking it will be.”
“Why are you saying that? Why do you think I’m thinking it will be terrible?”
His half-laugh was tight and small. “It’s pretty obvious. You’re like a violin with wires tuned so tight I can almost pluck your nerve endings and hear them twang. But it was you who came running to me today, wasn’t it? You did throw yourself into my arms and say, ‘Let’s get married,’ didn’t you? You wanted to elope today—not tomorrow or next week. So isn’t it natural that I’d think that at last you were ready to accept me as your lover?”
I hadn’t thought. I’d just acted. Escape from Papa had been all that mattered. “Arden, you didn’t answer my question.”
“What question?”
“Am I the first?”
“All right, if you have to know. There have been other girls, but none that I loved as I love you. Since I decided you were going to be the one I’d marry, I have not touched another girl.”
“Who was the first girl?”
