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He looked away and pressed his lips together. “It’s not an easy thing for me to tell.”
“I need to know,” I insisted.
“You need,” he said, nodding. “Okay, I’ll make you a deal. Now that you are obviously going to be heavily involved with caring for Adelle, there is no possibility that you will have any time for our business affairs. This wild idea of yours about becoming a broker is surely to be put aside. I’d like those papers signed properly. You’ll go with me to Mr. Johnson’s office, and we’ll do it together. He was put off by your not signing and doing the fingerprint when I first brought it all here. Now he won’t accept anything but the proper procedure. After all that is done, I’ll tell you what you’re asking. Do we have a deal?”
“We don’t need to make a deal, Arden. You made a promise to me. First, you keep your promise, and then we’ll discuss those damn papers,” I said. My words pounded into his ears like nails. I stared coldly at him, challenging him to move me even an inch.
He looked so astonished that I thought he was going to stop talking and start reading his magazine again, but he surprised me. “I’m not proud of what I’m about to tell you,” he said. “And for that reason, it’s very difficult for me. I don’t like bringing up the ugliest event of the past, both for you and for me. Yes, it’s obviously uglier and more painful for you, but it’s still painful for me, and it will always be. Do you still insist on knowing?”
I would readily admit that I was frightened, but I needed to know regardless of what it would mean to me. “Yes.”
“Mrs. Matthew’s son, Philip, was one of the boys who attacked you in the woods. As you know, I saw them do it, and I was afraid to confront them. Later, they threatened me if I said a word, and I was afraid for my mother.”
“Her son?”
“Yes. I told her, so she knew that I could identify him. I promised never to mention it if she did this for us and kept our secret. If I did go to the police, they would investigate and maybe get him to confess or reveal the names of the others, which I could have done. One or more would rat on her son. She knew that. It was enough to ensure that she would never speak about what really happened here.”
His words seemed to lift me up and take me to the rocking chair. I heard the screams, my screams, and heard their horrible laughter. I saw myself running through the woods, crying hysterically, and saw my mother’s face.
“Audrina,” he said. “Audrina!”
I seemed to open eyes that were already open.
“See?” he said, putting a hand on my shoulder and shaking me slightly. “I knew I shouldn’t have told you. What difference does it make now?” His words were like icicles dripping into my ears. I felt myself shudder and tremble. What difference did it make now? How could he ask that? Did he ever have even a tiny bit of real love for me?
“She knew her son had violated me, was one of them. You would think she would have been kinder, gentler, even remorseful, but she treated me like I was spoiled and guilty myself. I was only a little girl!” I raised my fists in the air and barely kept myself from pounding his chest. How could he make any bargains with such a woman?
“I know. A lot of things have made that woman bitter, but she’s good at what she does.”
“How did you know that so well, Arden?” I fired back at him. When he didn’t speak, a thought that had been haunting me came to the surface. I practically yelled, “You’ve asked for her services before, haven’t you? Well?”
“Nothing ever happened after we got married,” he said.
“Are you forgetting about Vera?”
“I thought we’d never mention that. It’s like nothing ever happened with her. That’s what we agreed on.”
“All right. So what are you talking about?” I was shaking inside. I wished I hadn’t asked the questions but knew I’d had no choice. It was the story of my life, scraping away the lies that disguised the ugliness and pain feeding the shadows of Whitefern and darkening my heart.
“I was a bit wild in college. I think you knew that anyway, Audrina, but what I did then has nothin
g to do with our lives now. You heard her. Don’t force me or yourself to drag up any more of the past, Audrina. Enough! It’s over,” he said firmly. He sat back and opened his magazine.
I stared at him for a few moments and then got up and walked out, feeling dazed. It was as if the floor had been torn away and I was hanging on by a thread.
Adelle had woken up and was crying for her bottle. Sylvia was rushing to get it ready. I watched her and stood back to see how she would do. She was gentle and loving. And for the first time in a very long time, I realized why we were closer than most sisters, despite her mental disabilities.
We had both been violated, and we both had to bury memories the way others might bury bodies.
Truth Will Not Die
Soon after Mrs. Matthews had left Whitefern, I had to shop for groceries. For the last month or so, she had done it alone. I wanted to take Sylvia and Adelle along for Adelle’s first outing but wasn’t sure if I should. I called Dr. Prescott and told him I would be bringing Adelle in for him to examine her and talk to me about what her care involved now, but I was really calling for his advice about taking her out.
“I’m looking forward to seeing her, Audrina. How are you doing?”
“I’m fine, Dr. Prescott. I was wondering if it’s too early to take her out with me when I go shopping for groceries.”
“What did Mrs. Matthews say?” he asked. It was easy to read between the lines and hear how hurt he was at not being the doctor to deliver Adelle. “I’m sure she performed an Apgar assessment, right?”
