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She was more of a member of this family than I had ever imagined she could be.
Fatigued and drowning in many emotions, I prepared for bed and cuddled my pillow. All I wanted to do was escape into that world of dreams where everything real was excluded and everything unpleasant was soon forgotten. A little while later, I vaguely sensed my father had come up to bed himself and peeked in to see me. He turned off a light I had forgotten to turn off, fixed my blanket the way he used to when I was a little girl, and then just touched my cheek as if he wanted to be sure I was really still there. I didn't open my eyes, but I could see him standing there, gazing down at me, a soft, somewhat sad smile written on his face.
All parents knew that someday, their children wouldn't be there; they'd be gone to become parents themselves or to find their way in the world, and what was once real to our fathers and mothers would be like a dream to them. We'd all become ghost children.
Could Karen's mother really be happy now? Was there a degree of selfishness so high that she or anyone like her could tolerate the absence of her child, her daughter? For people like that, children were only burdens. They didn't come from within, but in their minds, they were rained down upon them in a storm of divine wrath, perhaps as punishment for past sins or lust.
I couldn't imagine what it was like to be Karen now, to think of yourself as a form of punishment, never to be appreciated. She used her bitterness and anger to cloak her sadness. I imagined her alone, sobbing in the darkness above me, now that I couldn't see. Instead of cuddling with a pillow and hoping for candy 'dreams, she was clinging to herself, afraid to let go all night, afraid she would merely come apart and become like the artifacts and antiques stored away and forgotten in the attic.
What could be more pathetic than a nest without eggs, without birds?
Either I imagined it, or my father whispered, "Good night, Zipper."
That made me think of Jesse, and suddenly, I was no longer afraid or troubled by his homecoming. Maybe I would confide in him He would find a solution, I thought. After all, he was my big brother, and somehow, because we were closer in age than I was with my parents, I now felt I could have a greater reliance on him. He would be more understanding, compassionate, and forgiving.
My father slipped out of my room and closed the door softly.
Darkness took me, a willing prisoner, and morning came like an uninvited rescuer, but I could do little about it. Sunshine unraveled the day as if it were rolling out a rug of fire upon which I had to walk. I feared so much that awaited me: Dana Martin at school whispering to his friends while they looked my way, the police detective waiting for me in the police station, Karen's mother looking at me with anger and distaste, and my own parents wondering just how much more entangled in all this I really was and, therefore, they really were.
I searched my mirror for the proper mask, a face to put on that would hide my tension and guilt.
But all I could see was the face I had as a little girl, alone and desperate, full of worry, searching, reaching, depending on the strong hands of my parents and waiting to be grasped.
Too soon, I feared, I had let go.
16 She Can't Hide Forever
My father decided to take me to school the next morning, and during the ride, he tried very hard to keep the conversation between us happy and light, talking about the new car, Jesse's impending return, the upcoming summer months, some ideas he had for little excursions to lakes and even to New England, maybe Cape Cod, before the summer ended. Listening to him go on and on about the things we could do as a family, I almost did forget all that had happened.
Unfortunately, the moment we pulled up to a stop in the school parking lot, I saw Dana Martin getting out of his car. He barely glanced my way, hOwever, and a moment later was trading playful punches with some of his buddies. Before he reached the building, he joined his most recent girlfriend, Lois Morris, and put his arm around her shoulders. She didn't push him away. Instead, she laid her head against his shoulder. It was as if they had never stopped being together. For a split second, I felt like some sort of time traveler who was now thrown back to an earlier period. I'd find
Karen inside, and everything that had happened would dissolve like a bad dream.
Just before I stepped out of the car, my father touched my arm to turn me back.
"I might be busy today, Zipporah, and if I can't make it back early enough, I'm putting off your interview with the police. They know I insist on being there. It might not happen today. I know you'd like to get it over with quickly, but my court schedule is such that . ."
"That's all right. Whenever," I tossed back at him, as if it was of very little concern.
He smiled. "That's great. That's my girl. Take it all in stride. It will all be over sooner than you think."
I gave him the best smile of confidence I could manage and headed for the building. Just as I hoped and anticipated, Dana continued to ignore me the rest of the day. For one second, I thought I caught him glaring angrily my way, but he waved to someone behind me, and that was that. I kept to myself the entire day. Even Sally was off talking with someone else at lunch, and for a while, I felt not only alone but invisible. What would happen now, after Karen? I wondered. Eventually, she would have to come out of hiding, and that would be that. Would I make any new friends here? Would I be forever alone, stained by my friendship with her, a friendship I had once cherished more than anything?
I did the best I could in school, but for long periods, I found myself drifting, not so much daydreaming as just staring blankly, like someone whose brain had just turned off. I barely heard anything or noticed anything around me. Bells to end classes and move us all along were practically the only sound to which I paid any attention. I boarded the school bus at the end of the day and made my way back to my seat to stare aimlessly out the window.
In fact, I was in such a daze I didn't realize the bus had arrived at my house. Mr. Tooey called my name, and I felt myself snap back to reality.
"Oh," I muttered, and hurriedly walked down the aisle. He looked at me oddly as I passed him and went down the steps. The door closed, and the bus went along, leaving me standing alone in the afternoon sun, the breeze gently lifting leaves and moving the blades of wild grass in what looked like a quiet ballet of Mother Nature. Head down, I started for the front door and then jerked my eyes upward when I heard it open.
I spun around to look behind me and up and down the road.
Was she mad? Insane? Appearing in broad daylight? My words of reprimand for Karen were lunging toward the tip of my tongue when I turned back. I stopped in utter amazement.
Jesse was standing there, looking out at me, that big impish grin carved around his firm, strong mouth, his light blue eyes twinkling with amusement.
"Hey,
Zipper," he said.
