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old. But this is real. The shortness of breath, the darkness teasing at the edges of my mind, it all sucks, but it’s real. I’m here, and I’m alive. I made it back from that darkness.
And if this town, this moment threw me flailing back into the past, that doesn’t mean I’m its prisoner.
“Matt? What is it?”
There she is, my bright light in this maze. I haul her to my side, tuck her under my arm, and kiss her forehead.
“Everything’s fine,” I tell her.
She sighs, burrowing closer. “You sure?”
It’s chilly in the room, and I should tuck her back into bed, but I don’t move, not yet. Her sweet, fresh scent fills my senses, smooths out the sharp edges of the past. My breathing settles, my lungs expand.
“As long as you and our kids are okay, there’s nothing more I want,” I whisper, looking at our entwined reflections in the dark glass.
And that’s the truth. I’m not backsliding. It’s just the stress of these days, Kaden complaining I’m not giving him what he needs, Evan needing help, Jasper swaggering into our lives, Ross crossing our paths.
But it’ll get back on track. I will get back on track. I’ll never stop missing Emma, and our kids together will always remind me of her. So many little things will always bring her back to me.
But I love Octavia, so fucking much. I’ve got a good thing going with her, with my kids. I’ve got a good life. No more drowning in booze and despair. I’ll take care of everyone, keep them all safe. I’m not sure where the danger is, or even if there is any, but if this is what I have to tell myself to keep sane, not to slip again, then that’s a small price to pay.
After all, I never thought I deserved a second chance. Now I got it, and I’ll fight tooth and nail to keep it.
* * *
We finally make it back to bed, and while Octavia is out like a light, I curve my body around her back, holding on to her, breathing her in. Like every time, feeling her, smelling her, gets me hard, but I don’t act on it. I don’t cup her full tits, I don’t reach between her legs to stroke her, I don’t wake her up and make her come.
I don’t jack off, either. I bury my nose in her hair and close my eyes, forcing my body still, my dick to weep alone. All I want tonight is to drift off with her in my arms, to sleep and dream good dreams.
Dream of the present—and not the past, or of bleak scenarios of the future.
I think I probably manage to fall asleep in the end, but it feels as if I’ve only just closed my eyes when my phone buzzes somewhere behind me.
Untangling myself from Octavia who somehow ended up half on top of me, I hunt for my phone. Is it my alarm, is it time to leave already?
But no, it’s a call coming in, and grabbing the phone, I hurry out of the bedroom, not to wake up my girl.
“Matt?” a familiar female voice asks as I connect the call.
“Gigi. It’s…” I check my watch. The fuck. “It’s four in the morning. What’s the matter?”
“We’re all fine, don’t you worry.” Her voice is a bit strained though as she goes on. “I’m babysitting your kids tonight. We went to the movies yesterday, and tonight was your mom’s turn to keep an eye on the little monsters—”
“Is Mom okay?”
“Yeah, yeah. Told you, we’re all fine.”
I lean against the wall, my head swimming. “So you’re home babysitting, and you’re all fine, but you call me at four in the fucking morning, almost giving me a heart attack. What the hell for?”
“Sorry.” Her voice is hushed. “It’s just that… Mary wants to talk to you. Well, she didn’t exactly say that, but…”
“But what?”
“She had a nightmare, and she’s been crying and calling your name. Well, not your name. Daddy. That’s what she keeps saying. And something about the baby, and Octavia.”
Shit. “What about the baby and Octavia?”
“I don’t know, Matt, seriously. She’s crying, I can hardly make out what she says, but she’s not calming down, and I thought you might want to talk to her. Maybe hearing you she’ll calm down.”
