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“We saved you a seat,” Sam says. He looks shocked for a moment, and then he goes to sit next to her. Trixie has her huge dog with her, and I’m a little startled when I realize that the big dog is lying on the ground with Sam’s tiny little kitten beneath his chin. The cat is about the size of the dog’s paw, but it’s snuggled right in there. Every now and then, it reaches up and bites on Sally’s lower lip, or paws at his chin with its kitten claws. But the dog just lets the kitten lie there, snug between his feet.
I find Eli sitting on a blanket and he pats the spot next to him. “I saved you a seat, too,” he says. He grins at me. The sun is just going down, and I can still see him clearly. He’s not the lanky boy I used to know. He’s so much more.
“Um…” I look toward Aaron’s blanket. Both his kids are on it, and Miles is sitting in a bouncy chair on one corner.
“Unless you’d rather sit with them,” Eli says, and he visibly deflates a little.
“No, no,” I say. “This is fine.”
He grins and moves over a little, and I settle down next to him.
“What’s the movie?”
“The Wizard of Oz,” he replies. “Do you remember the last time we watched that one? I think it was here, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah, it was here.” I’d lain with my head in his lap as he played with my hair. We were almost twenty, and I was pregnant for the first time. We weren’t even married yet, and no one knew about the pregnancy except for us. A month later, we’d found out that pregnancy wasn’t viable. That was our first loss.
“Want something to drink?” he asks. He reaches into the cooler next to him and hands me a soda. It just happens to be my favorite kind of soda.
“Thanks,” I say.
Katie throws a bag of popped microwave popcorn in my direction and I catch it and pass it to Eli. He opens it and tosses a few pieces into his mouth.
Katie and Jake have their huge family spread out around them. Mr. Jacobson is in a chair, and Gabby and Alex are in chairs next to him. The little kids are playing with toys on their blanket.
When it gets dark enough, Jake goes and starts the projector. It’s the same old projector that Mr. Jacobson used when we were young. And the same old movie. It’s the same old feeling. The reel begins to play, the lilting tunes so familiar that I feel like I know them by heart.
“Want to lie on me?” Eli asks. He pats his lap.
“Oh…no.” I swallow down a gulp of discomfort. “I’m fine.”
His smile slackens a little. “Okay, Bess,” he says softly. But he doesn’t move away. In fact, his hand inches closer to mine as he leans back on his palms. His pinky touches the edge of mine and a jolt moves through me. He doesn’t look in my direction or acknowledge that he’s touching me at all, and for that I am grateful. The movie begins to play, and he passes me the bag of popcorn. I dump some into my shirt and pass it back to him. He sits with his legs crossed, and his knee brushes against mine. He doesn’t pull it back.
Halfway through the movie, Eli leans over close to me. “I’m going to run to the bushes,” he says. “Be right back.” His popcorn-scented breath warms my cheek, and the air cools a little in his absence.
Suddenly, Aaron jerks me out of my movie haze when he drops down next to me. “Hey,” he says.
“Hey. You okay?” I ask.
“Fine, but Kerry-Anne needs to go to the bathroom, and I don’t want to send her off by herself in the dark. Can you hold Miles? He’s asleep.” He thrusts the child in my direction, not allowing me to decline, as he settles him into my lap. Holding Miles is like holding a leggy potato, heavy and solid, but not all at the same time. “Be right back,” he whispers.
I look around, desperate to find somebody to take this baby out of my arms. Eli is still peeing in the bushes; I can’t even find his silhouette in the dark. And everyone else is staring at the movie. Jake has a sleeping toddler in his own lap, and Katie is holding their smallest one in her arms as she rocks him side to side. There is no one to save me.
I look down into Miles’s sleeping face and immediately notice the dark lashes that touch his cheeks. They’re long like Lynda’s, and full. His little lips are puckered like an unopened rosebud, and his cheeks are rosy, maybe from where Aaron had been holding him while he slept.
While I stare down at him, something breaks loose inside me, and I desperately try to swallow past the lump in my throat but it won’t move. I blink hard but the tears come anyway. One rolls down the side of my nose, and I can’t brush it away because my arms are full. They’re full with a baby in them. There’s a whole baby resting in my arms, one that’s living and breathing and filled with so much potential. I sniffle, and bring him closer to me, holding him snug, like I couldn’t do just a minute before.
Eli comes back and sinks down next to me. He glances over and sees me with Miles. I sit with my eyes closed and tears rolling down my face. I tilt my head down hoping he won’t see. But Eli sees everything. I sniffle out loud and I know that he knows.
“Oh, Bess,” he whispers. He scoots over close
r to me and presses his body against mine, his chest against my side. He presses his forehead against my temple, and I feel his lips against my cheek. “Oh, Bess,” he says again. “I’m so sorry.” But he doesn’t move away. “Do you want me to take him?”
“No,” I whisper out over a choked sob. “He’s fine. I can hold him.” I want to hold him. I need to hold him.
He scoots closer still, so close that he has to stretch one leg out behind me as his arms wrap around me. “Are you sure?”
I nod, and Eli lifts his arm in front of my face. I immediately wipe my tear-stained face on his shirt sleeve. I don’t even think about it.
