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“I’m not—”
I started to protest, but she gave me a look, and the words froze in my throat.
Fuck.
When I saw Rachel comforting him in place of me, when he hadn't so much as called me that I had to find out his dad had passed away from mutual friends, I had felt heartbroken. I turned my back to him, with no intention of looking back.
I found out that I was pregnant, and throughout the pregnancy, and seeing my son every day, was a constant reminder of the man I was in love with, but wanted to forget for the sake of my own heart.
It didn’t end well. I was sure if I’d had more time, I would have moved on, but I couldn’t do that and deny Joshua the right to see his son.
We still needed to talk about that, and I was sure it would be impossible to forget him if
I had to see him frequently.
“I don’t know what to do, Wendy,” I admitted in a whisper.
She sighed. “I know. That’s exactly what you told me the last time, and I invited Joshua over so the two of you could have some privacy to talk, and as far as I know, it didn’t go well.”
I frowned at her. “Did he tell you what happened?”
If he had, I was going to get up and walk out.
“He didn’t tell me,” she said, shaking her head. “I stopped by his office twice on three different days this week, because neither of you told me what happened after your talk, and I figured out on my own how it went.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “What do you mean?”
She arched an eyebrow. “Joshua is burying himself in his work the way he always does when he has something troubling him, and not talking to anyone. Although, I did hear from my aunt that the two of them had a heated argument, though she didn’t tell me what about.”
“He and his mom argued?” I asked, surprised.
She nodded, solemn.
Joshua wasn’t one to have arguments with anyone. Even when his mom had been disapproving of me and had said it in both our presence, he just shut her down firmly and refused to hear more talk on the matter. He wouldn’t argue about something unless he thought it was worth arguing over, and that philosophy of his was why we didn’t explain much in the time of our relationship.
He, especially, didn’t argue with his mom, while his dad was sick and after he had passed away.
“What do you want to bet the argument had something to do with you?” she asked.
I bit my lip. No way would be I take that bet.
“You need to stop playing this game, Alessandra,” she said. Her expression and her voice both softened. “I know you have reservations, but you can't just keep putting off making a decision. You’ve already done it long enough, and if you’re sure you don’t want him, and you won't change your mind later, tell him you won't be getting back together and put the poor bastard out of his misery.”
“But…what if I don’t think I can do that?” I asked tentatively.
“Then go talk to him and tell him to give you more time, tell him you’re willing to talk, or try, or something. Absolute radio silence is just going to hurt him, and you might hurt yourself in the process. Not to mention your child. You need to make things clear for all of your sakes.”
But I’m scared, I thought.
I knew everything she said was right. If I dragged this on too long, I ran the risk of having Joshua start to think I was playing with him, and he would hate me. That thought made my chest ache, and I held my baby closer to me, ducking my head to breath in his scent, allowing it to calm me.
“Alessandra?” Wendy called softly.
I opened my eyes and looked at her. Her expression was sympathetic as she watched me.
“This is hard for you, and you’re scared. I don’t need you to tell me, Alessandra, I know. If relationships were easy, there would be less need for uncertainty, but relationships are about hard work. They’re about putting yourself out there, even if you’re scared or unsure, and hoping your partner will meet you half way. I’ve been there myself. My relationship wasn’t exactly a fairy tale.”
“I know that,” I muttered, looking away.
