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She threw her hands up. ‘Yes, but—’
He thought he understood, but he didn’t. He didn’t know the strain that it put on a relationship. He hadn’t lived through it already. She had. She knew where this was going before it had even got started.
‘But what?’ Fraser asked, maddeningly calm in his refusal to understand her or believe her.
‘But I forgot,’ she said, hoping that he wouldn’t see the truth. That she’d known and remembered every reason why it might not work but none of that had seemed as important as the fact that she loved him.
She’d watched Fraser and his father put to rest fifteen years of pain and hurt and recrimination. And she’d thought, I want that. If I love him enough, maybe I can have that. But she’d forgotten that his problems stemmed from the past. Her problems were right now. They were happening today. And loving him, seeing him ready to love, didn’t change her circumstances, however much she wanted it to be true.
‘Maybe I just gave in,’ she said. Not wanting him to guess how she really felt. ‘Or I was kidding myself that I could do this. That I could be enough. But I can’t. There’s not enough of me to go around, Fraser.’
‘Not enough? Elspeth, you’re making so many assumptions here. You’re telling me I can’t have something I haven’t even asked for. All I want is to talk about this. Why won’t you do that?’
‘Because I’ve talked this thing to death, Fraser. I’ve talked and talked and talked and the grand conclusion is that I can’t do both. I can’t be the daughter and sister that I need to be—I want to be—and be a good enough girlfriend as well.’
Fraser narrowed his eyes as he looked at her. ‘You’ve talked about it with who? Because you haven’t talked about it with me. And I’d have thought my opinion should count for something.’
She hesitated, but Fraser fixed her with a glare and wouldn’t back down.
She shrugged in resignation. She might as well tell him. ‘With Alex—my ex.’
‘The one who called off the wedding?’
‘I called off the wedding,’ she said. The distinction was important.
Silence fell over the kitchen as she waited for her words to sink in.
‘Why?’
Fraser said it in a way that she knew meant he wasn’t going to take any bull. He would know if she was lying to him. If she wasn’t being completely honest. And, really, he might as well know. This would be the final nail in the coffin of this relationship—if she could even call it that before it had really got started. There was no way he’d want her after this.
‘Because he always wanted more than I could give. The part of my life that he occupied was never enough for him. He was insisting that after the wedding we would get our own place. My mum and sister said they were fine with it, but the closer it got, the less I wanted to leave. I like being here with them. I like it that if there’s an emergency in the middle of the night I’m here to deal with it. I like it that my sister knows whether I need comfort carbs or a massive bowl of ice cream based on nothing more than the tone of my voice. But Alex wouldn’t budge. He said if we were going to be married it was time to get our own place. I had to choose.’
She saw the realisation hit Fraser in stages, slowly sinking in. She’d been given an ultimatum. She’d made the choice he’d wanted his father to make. She’d do it again if she had to, and she wouldn’t choose Fraser. He was second choice—again. Or that was how he would see it.
‘I’m sorry, Fraser. It won’t work. We were crazy to think that it could. I’m sorry.’
‘You apologised already. Save it.’
Anger spiked in her. He was acting as if this was a free choice. It wasn’t. Who would choose to feel this way?
‘What would you have me do, Fraser? Should I choose you? Should I let my mother and Sarah and my patients fend for themselves while I go up to Ballanross and soothe your ego? You gave your dad an ultimatum and you’ve been punishing him for fifteen years for choosing love over his family. This is an impossible situation.’
‘I’m not asking you to choose,’ Fraser said, his voice raised and his tone frustrated. ‘The opposite. I’m asking you to try and do both. To find space in your life for me. To make room for me.’
‘I did that before and—’
; ‘But not with me! So it didn’t work out before. Why does that mean it won’t work this time? I’m not Alex. I’m not asking you for more than you can give. I’m standing here telling you that I’ll take anything you’re willing to give me, and you’re telling me that you’re not even going to try.’
She shook her head. This pig-headed man was just refusing to get this. Out of spite. Out of... She didn’t know why he was refusing to understand something so simple.
‘I’m sorry, Fraser, but we both know you’re the kind of guy who hands out ultimatums. You did it to your father and you’ll do it to me. And I just can’t go through that again.’
‘Why are you so convinced that I’m the same as your ex? Can’t you accept that I’m different? That we will be different? That the choices in front of you are different this time? I understand your being scared. What I don’t understand is why you’re not even willing to try.’
Well, at least she knew the answer to that one. ‘Because trying is exhausting, Fraser. And I can’t do it any more. It’s just not worth it.’
