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Fraser had asked her not to make any rash decisions, but what else could she do? The one night she’d decided to take a risk she had been called home for an emergency. She couldn’t have asked for a clearer sign about the viability of their relationship.
She could hear what Alex would have said as clearly as if he were back in this house with her—You choose them over me every time. Of course she did. Because the risks if she made a different choice were unacceptably high. When Sarah had been born Elspeth had sat by her cot for months, willing her to get better, to come home. She never wanted to feel so helpless again, and if that meant she had to sacrifice her own relationships to be there for her sister, it would be worth it.
That last argument with Alex, when she had chosen her family for the last time and broken off their engagement, it had been such a relief. Alex had pushed her and pushed her to choose. Every time she’d had to cancel a date or cut short a holiday he’d rolled his eyes and she’d seen his judgement. And when he’d told her that he wouldn’t move in with her mum and her sister she’d known they didn’t have a future.
She didn’t want to do that again. Didn’t want to watch the novelty fade from a relationship, see love sour because she couldn’t give what her partner was demanding from her.
She could tell herself that it would be different with Fraser. That he wasn’t Alex. That he wouldn’t expect her to choose, as Alex had. She could tell herself that—if she didn’t already know that Fraser was the sort of uncompromising man who had been issuing ultimatums since he was a teenager.
When his dad hadn’t been prepared to drop everything else because Fraser had demanded it, he hadn’t spoken to him for fifteen years. This wasn’t a man who was going to be happy settling for the small part of herself that she had to offer. It would be better for him to find someone who could give him the undivided love he wanted and deserved.
Elspeth cupped her hands around her belly. She loved her mum and Sarah more than she could say. And she knew she was going to l
ove her baby with a fierce, limitless passion. She simply couldn’t see how she could love Fraser like that too.
Except her heart hurt as if she did already. As if she loved him with her whole heart, with no room for anyone else. As if she’d be left cold and empty if she had to give him up.
She thought of a future of polite exchanges as they handed the baby over every other weekend. Of calling to pass on information about doctor’s appointments or school reports. And then she thought how much worse it would be if he broke it off instead. If she loved all these people and made it work and then had Fraser tell her that she wasn’t doing it well enough. As Alex had done. If he told her that the part of herself she was offering just wasn’t enough for him. It would break her heart, she knew. In a way that couldn’t be fixed.
When Fraser’s knock on the door sounded that evening, after her mum had gone to bed to rest after her long day at the hospital and her sister had returned to her room after dinner to study, Elspeth had made up her mind and firmed her resolve. She opened the door and braced herself for the sight of him, knowing that her body would react, trying to get it in line before she did something she couldn’t take back.
She spotted the flowers in his hand and shook her head, smiling slightly at the sweet gesture. Another reminder of what a man she was giving up.
‘Fraser, you shouldn’t have...’ she started, her voice trailing off.
He leaned in and planted a kiss on her cheek. ‘I didn’t,’ he replied, mirroring her smile. ‘They’re for your mum. I wanted to make a good impression, under the circumstances...’
‘The circumstances being you impregnating me before you’d been properly introduced to my family?’ she said with a raised eyebrow. ‘I didn’t realise they did flowers for that.’
Fraser smiled. ‘You should see the poem in the card.’
She smiled back despite herself, despite knowing what she had to do, and stood aside to let him in.
‘Come through to the kitchen. I’ll find a vase for them.’
She stood and fussed with the flowers, hoping that somehow something would happen to make this easier. That she would wake up with it magically having been done for her. But as Fraser tried to catch her eye—to connect with her—she knew that she wasn’t that lucky. She was going to have to live through every tortuous moment of this.
‘Did everything go okay today?’ Fraser asked. ‘With your mum at the hospital?’
‘Mmm...’ Elspeth replied, building up her courage.
She couldn’t engage in small talk. If she did that it would be too easy to be pulled back from what she knew she had to do. To chicken out.
‘Fraser, I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. We can’t be together. It’s never going to work. I have too many responsibilities, and it’s only going to be worse when the baby gets here. We should just end it now, before we get any further in.’
Fraser nodded slowly, and she could practically see the machinations of his thinking as he tried to choose words that would make her change her mind.
‘How have things changed since last night?’ he asked eventually.
She leant back against the worktop, her weight pressing through her palms as she closed her eyes and fought the memories.
‘Everything has changed since then.’
Fraser took a step towards her. ‘I don’t see how.’
‘What happened this morning—’
‘Has happened a hundred times before,’ Fraser interrupted her. ‘You told me that. And it’ll probably happen a hundred times again. You knew that when we went to bed together last night.’
