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She ignored the blinding pain that thought brought in its take, her voice hollow as she said, 'I can't be what you want me to be, Travis. You must know that by now. Deep inside.'
He swore, softly but savagely, and for a moment the mask dipped. 'I don't want you to be anything other than yourself. I never have. I thought I had made that perfectly clear.'
'You want me to trust you,' she stated flatly. Is that so big a deal?'
'Yes, for me.' She was shouting now but she didn't care. It's the biggest thing in the world, if you want to know. And I can't do it. It's as simple as that. I can't trust you.'
'Wrong.' In comparison he was deadly calm. 'You won't do it. There's a difference.'
'Can't, won't, whatever.' Her whole body was trembling.
Again he swore but this time it was exasperation rather than fury. When he walked over to the sofa and raised her up into his arms Beth didn't have the will to resist. But he didn't try to make love to her as she had -expected. Instead he merely held her close against the strong shield of his body, his voice soft above her head as he said, 'Why are you doing this to yourself right now, sweetheart? There are no time limits except in your mind; surely you know that.'
It was the 'sweetheart' that did it. She could have with¬stood his contempt or anger but not the tender quality to the endearment. It pierced the last of her control. Tears spilled over on to her cheeks and she wrenched herself away, covering her face with her hands as she sobbed. 'Go, please go. I don't want you here. This has to end now. Please, Travis.'
He made no attempt to hold her again but his voice was in¬flexible when he stated, 'I am not leaving, Beth.'
'Please.' She had never felt such pain, such hopelessness.
'No.' And then she was in his arms again. 'Not until I've talked sense into that crazy head of yours. I'm not going to let what that fool of an ex-husband of yours did ruin both our lives. These last weeks you've been happy, I know you have. OK, I might not be perfect but I know when something is right or wrong, and we are right together. Perhaps I shouldn't have waited, perhaps I should have taken you to bed weeks ago, but that can be remedied right now. But first I want to tell you something. I wanted to wait, give you more time to get used to having someone in your life again, but you've forced the issue. I don't want an affair with you, Beth. I never have. I've had enough open-ended relationships to know when the real thing hits.'
'What?' She couldn't take it in. She heard what he was saying but the words were all jumbled in her mind and she couldn't make sense of them.
He held her away from him slightly, the grey eyes narrowing as they fastened on her face, which was now chalk-white. "I love you,' he said simply. 'I fell in love with you the first moment I saw you when you were standing in the dark in those ridiculous pink pyjamas covered in dirt and goodness knows what. I want to marry you, Beth. I want to wake up beside you in bed every morning for the rest of my life.'
'No.' She felt numb. 'No, you can't love me. You said you had lost the woman you loved. You said that.'
His gaze had sharpened and she knew her reaction to his declaration was not what he'd hoped for. 'I think I said the woman I loved didn't feel the same as I did,' he said slowly. "That's not the same.'
'But.. .but you let me believe...'
She couldn't go on but he knew what she was trying to say Byway. 'It would have scared you to death and certainly back to London if I had told you how I felt at that point. Hell, it scared me, if you want to know. It still does.'
'But you didn't know me, not really, not then.' This couldn't be true. 'Love at first sight is just a fantasy, everyone knows that. It can't happen in real life.'
"I knew you in my soul before time, that's the only way I cm explain it. And, before you protest, if anyone else had told Be I'd be saying this just months ago I'd have laughed in their face. I was enjoying my life, I didn't want to fall in love, didn't want to have to consider anyone else. I liked a lifestyle where I was answerable to no one and as free as a bird. But all that changed in one moment.'
'Travis.' It was a strangled sound." 'Please, don't say any more...'
'I've walked on eggshells for the last three months, Beth. I'm done with it. You tell me you're prepared to walk away from what we have so I've nothing to lose in calling a spade a spade now, have I? I love you, dammit!'
His voice had risen but almost immediately he gained control. 'I love you,' he repeated softly. 'And, whatever you say, I don't believe you're completely indifferent to me. You have changed in the last few weeks, let your guard down. I've been aware of it even if you haven't. I won't let you finish this because you have tarred all men with the same brush. However bad it was at the end with Keith, you have to face up to the fact that you can't exist in a bubble.'
