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“You can try to do well without driving yourself crazy that you make mistakes. No one gets it right the first time or even most times. Especially not when it comes to children and family. How many family events end up with someone in handcuffs?”
“Have you been watching those cop shows again?”
“You’re scared witless to fail Lily. Instead of looking around and seeing that you’re the one who stepped up for her. You have turned your whole life inside out to be that little girl’s father. So what if you screwed up now and then? You didn’t have any warning you were going to be a dad. One day you weren’t, then the next you were.”
That summed up what had happened in a nutshell, that was for sure.
“And in the meantime, you were also grieving your best friend. The only person who ever helped you to live for yourself and not just for your responsibilities.” Her voice gentled. “Billy squeezed every drop out of every day. Maybe he knew something we didn’t. He didn’t have that long, so he was going to make the most of it.”
My eyes prickled and I would’ve jerked to my feet again if her hand didn’t come down on my upper arm to clamp me in place.
“You deserve to have love in your life. To love and be loved. To adore the hell out of that little girl and know that any screwups you make won’t matter compared to how much love you have in your heart for her.”
I knew she wasn’t just talking about Lily. She was referring to Hannah and our baby too.
“We started everything backward.”
“So, you begin where you are right now and take the steps you missed. Maybe find some creative new ones.” She winked and I found myself laughing despite the constriction in my throat.
“I just don’t want to let him down. To let down Grandad. Hannah. Lily. The baby. A thoughtless moment that became so much more.”
“Was it really thoughtless? I doubt that. She wouldn’t be looking at you the way she does if you two hadn’t made some magic that night, even if you’ve tried to extinguish it since.”
“I don’t want to extinguish it. I was singing tonight, Gran. Even in the midst of everything, with all that’s so fucked up, I knew I was coming home to Hannah and Lily and it made the day bearable. So much more than bearable. Just thinking of them made me happy.” I let out a long breath. “And I couldn’t tell you the last time I truly was.”
“You need to quit.”
I blinked, sure I’d misheard her. “Excuse me?”
“You need to quit the business and figure out what makes your soul sing. You have one in there, I swear, under the Hugo Boss and wingtips.”
I stared at her as if she was a stranger. “Have you turned into a mind-reader?”
“No.” She smiled, and for a second, the lines on her face struck a punch right to my heart. She was still beautiful, but she wore the battle scars of a lifetime well lived on her face.
But that was the crux of it—she’d lived. And me? I’d done a whole lot of existing.
A whole lot of waiting for a tomorrow that was the same as all the days that had come before.
“Vincent has ideas. So many of them. They’re good. Innovative. Ways to keep Wainwright from dying on the vine. Which is what it’s doing with me at the helm.”
She took my hand and squeezed. “You can’t hang on and fight change forever, Snug. Life marches on. If you don’t move with it, you’ll get trampled.”
“I want to try something different.”
I told her the ideas I had for a news-focused podcast with a slant toward local trendsetters and movers and shakers. Not always the ones who got the press elsewhere, but the ones who were affecting change right at home.
No stagnation allowed.
“We have so many other holdings and things we’re involved in, charities and foundations, that even if I step back, managing our portfolio will be an undertaking. But Vincent could handle more of the day to day, and I could function as a high-level consultant. I’m also going to do this podcast.” It was the first time I’d stated it as a I’m going to versus I want to—even in my own head. “I’m going to help Hannah with her meal delivery service too, if she wants the help.” I took a deep breath. “And I’m going to raise my children.”
“Aww, Snug.” She let out a laugh, waving me off as she rubbed at her suddenly watery eyes. “You’re such a beautifully direct arrow.”
“Thanks?”
“It’s a compliment. Your moral compass will never lead you astray.” She cupped my cheek. “I’m so proud of you.”
“Even if you don’t always like me very much?”
