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“Now I see you’re trying the best you can. No one hands out manuals on how to be a parent, even if the kid is biological. Never mind if you fall unexpectedly into the role.”
“I’ve made mistakes. If it hadn’t been for my grandmother—”
I reached up to cup his face, waiting until he had no choice but to meet my eyes. “You’re doing everything you can for that little girl. If I didn’t believe that, I wouldn’t be here.”
“She deserves more.” His voice was raw. “I don’t feel how I should feel.”
“Love grows, no matter who it’s for. Her father chose you because he thought you could handle the job. I may not know you well, but I can tell you don’t just deal with things. You do your very best. Always.”
“What if my best isn’t good enough?”
“Not possible.”
“You don’t know me, Hannah. You just said it yourself.” He focused on me far too intently. “Perhaps you’re just seeing what you want to.”
“Not possible,” I repeated, finally releasing him.
I didn’t want to. Which was exactly why I had to.
The silence stretched between us. I couldn’t stand it anymore.
Couldn’t bear to let him hurt alone when maybe I could help alleviate some of it.
“Just in case you didn’t know, there’s something about grief no one tells you. Sometimes when you’re grieving, you don’t have any love left to give anyone. Not even yourself. Even if you want to. Even if you’re desperate to.” I paused to ensure my voice wouldn’t wobble. Taking breath after breath while my chest fought to close in on itself. “Grief shuts everything down. You can’t think around it. Can’t feel through it. Your emotions are locked away behind it. But they’re there, I swear it.”
Maybe I was making the same promise to myself. Absolving myself as well for not instantly bonding with the baby inside me.
Although maybe, just maybe, I was. At least I was starting to. I’d only known for a few hours. And Asher didn’t have a clue yet.
But at least I’d told him what I knew about Lily. The rest would come soon. I’d find the words to tell him the unexplainable. The absolutely crazy.
God, I hoped.
Thirteen
I was asking for trouble, but I couldn’t make myself back away.
Not now.
Hannah understood. She’d gone through the very same things I’d experienced the last few months. Losing her parents had wrecked her and changed her life.
Just as my life had been changed.
Sure, it was different. But Billy had been as close as family to me, and on top of that, I’d been tasked with taking care of his precious little girl.
She was all I had left of him. And every single day he’d been gone, I was sure I was failing him. Dishonoring his memory and invalidating his trust by bungling all of this so badly.
But I wasn’t alone. I had my grandmother and now I had Hannah. They were helping me figure all of this out. One minute at a time.
“Billy and Lily,” Hannah mused. “Did he do that intentionally?”
“Huh?” I scraped my fork over my plate, getting every last bit of the chicken, cheese, and corn casserole my saint of a grandmother had left in my freezer. She’d even stocked waffles and frozen fruit for her precious Snug for the morning, complete with a sweet note.
It would be a long while before I bugged her for calling me that again. My stomach was too grateful.
That wasn’t the only part of me feeling gratitude. I was also glad that Hannah and I were sitting with our knees touching on a quilt in front of the fire, eating and talking and laughing.
The laughter mostly came from me, a miracle of its own. But she’d almost smiled a few times now. I was beginning to fully understand why she couldn’t. That didn’t mean I wouldn’t keep trying to make her feel the way she so effortlessly did with me.
