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“Everyone saw me,” I muttered. “Including your brother.” And God knows who else.
“You like the spotlight. Don’t lie. You enjoy being center of attention.”
“Why you put me under one. You wanted my narcissism on display.”
“Aren’t all artists narcissists? How else can you expect someone else to pay for your thoughts and hopes and dreams?”
I had no answer for that. For she saw too much, as always. But she’d missed one vital part of the picture.
“I wasn’t having the time of my life. For weeks, I didn’t touch a drop of liquor. I wanted to be clear-headed and to stop leaning on crutches. But that night, I went out with Flynn and Rory. I have friends now, love. Can you imagine? People who like me for me. Well, Flynn in any case. Rory, I can’t say for sure. He’s a contrary bastard.”
“People always liked you for you. You just couldn’t see it.”
“Maybe that’s my narcissism too.”
“Exact opposite in that case.” She turned back to me and took a deep breath that caused her breasts to rise and fall. I didn’t want to notice, but I was only a man.
A very flawed one.
“A woman behind the bar offered me a shot and her arm sprinkled in salt to go with it.”
Zoe narrowed her eyes, but she didn’t turn away. She was strong enough to face my truths, so I would give them to her.
And to myself.
“I couldn’t even do that much. Laying my lips on another woman’s skin felt like a betrayal. So, I took my misery and poured into a bottle. And then I climbed up on that table and danced around like a bloody fool. Do you know what happened next?”
At her silence, I walked toward her, my footsteps even and measured on the hay-strewn barn floor. Dimly, I was aware of more of her canvases surrounding us and a ladder that led up to a loft.
And the smoke in her eyes that didn’t lessen the impact of the fire in her gaze, just intensified it. I wanted to feel the burn. Her fury was a lit match that would set both of us ablaze.
“I imagined you. That first night you came onstage. When we came together in your apartment that day of our singalong on the beach. How I’d forgotten myself and drove into you without anything between us. The cries on your lips. The tears on them when you told me we were done.” I stopped before her and fisted my hands to keep from gripping her chin to lift her face to mine. “I couldn’t escape you even in a bottle. Do you really think I can find another woman? Is there a substitute for the sun?”
She shoved me back and I caught her fist in my hand, holding it against my chest so she could feel the wild thrum of my heart.
“You think you’re the only one who paints canvases. My paint is words. You’ll hear a song on the radio, if you listen. Those words are yours. And I won’t pretend they’re for someone else. They’re for you. Only you.”
Tears gleamed on her lashes, starring them for an instant before she blinked and the wetness vanished. “Nothing’s changed.”
“Oh, love, that’s where you’re wrong. So much has. I’ve gone to see my brother. I spent the night with him and his wife, and I have a chance. They might forgive me. God, his wife already has. But perhaps one day, Simon will too.” I swallowed deeply. “My brother. My family. It’s more than I could ever ask for.”
She curled her fingers into mine, her fist opening up just the slightest bit. The only softening she allowed herself.
Allowed me.
“I made friends. I’ve been writing songs. So many of them. You’re woven through them all, a perfect tapestry. Without your love, I wouldn’t have believed I was worthy of trying again with Simon. But it gave me a base to do the rest. And I’ve started to build. Today, the house is small and the foundation is slight. Tomorrow, it’ll be a skyscraper.” I lifted her balled hand to my mouth and kissed her knuckles as she let out a shuddering breath. “And the biggest change of all is that this time, I won’t leave. You can push me away, you can kick out at me and tell me to go. But this time, I’m fighting for us. Fighting for our fucking lives, and all that we can have.”
Much as it pained me, I released her hand and stepped back. “I’ll see you soon.”
Her brow wrinkled. “You’re staying?”
“For the whole of my life, if that’s what it takes.” I exhaled and felt a weight drop away as her eyes met mine one more time. She could lash out at me all she wanted, but she couldn’t deny the feelings that played across her beautiful face. “I made mistakes, and I’m still learning. But the best part of me is still in love with you.”
Her lips trembled, but she didn’t turn away as I backed out of the barn.
Finding the sunshine once again.
Twenty-Four
