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Jenna sat up. ‘She—Oh, my gosh—and you didn’t know?’ She licked her lips, digesting the enormity of it.
‘At medical school she decided she didn’t ever want to have a baby. She wanted a career and didn’t want children. In her usual ruthlessly efficient way she decided to deal with the problem once and for all. Unfortunately she didn’t share that fact with me.’ The confession was rough and hoarse, and she knew for sure he hadn’t spoken the words to anyone else. Just her. The knowledge that he’d trusted her with something so personal was like a gift, fragile and precious, and Jenna tried to understand how he must be feeling, unwilling to break the connection between them by saying something that might make him regret his show of trust.
In the end she just said what was in her heart. ‘That was wrong. Very wrong.’
‘Some of the blame was mine. I made assumptions—didn’t ask—I suppose I could be accused of being chauvinistic. I presumed we’d do the traditional thing at some point. It came as a shock to discover she had no intention of ever having a family.’
Jenna reached out a hand and touched his shoulder. ‘She should have told you.’
‘That was my feeling. I suddenly realised I’d been living with a stranger. That I didn’t know her at all.’ He gave a wry smile. ‘But you know how that feels, don’t you?’
‘Only too well. I was living in this imaginary world—thinking things were fine. But Clive was living a completely different life. A life I did
n’t even see.’ She looped her arms around her legs and rested her chin on her knees. ‘I suppose part of the problem was that we just didn’t communicate. We fell into marriage because I was pregnant and because it was what my parents expected. I made assumptions about him. He made assumptions about me.’ Jenna turned her head and looked at him. ‘So you told Connie you wanted a divorce?’
‘Yes. I discovered that although I’d achieved what could be considered huge success in my professional life, my personal life was a disaster. I hadn’t even thought about what I wanted, and suddenly I realised that what I wanted was the thing I didn’t have—someone alongside me who loved me, who wanted to share their life with me. I wanted to come home at night to someone who cared about what sort of day I’d had. I didn’t want our only communication to be via voicemail. And I wanted children. Connie thought I was being ridiculous—her exact words were, “It’s not as if you’re ever going to change a nappy, Ryan, and I’m certainly not doing it, so why would we want children?’”
‘She didn’t want a divorce?’
‘I was flying high in my career and she liked that. I looked good on her CV.’ There was a bitter note to his voice and his eyes were flint-hard. ‘Being with me opened doors for her.’
‘Did she love you?’
‘I have no idea. If she did then it was a very selfish kind of a love. She wanted me for what I added to her, if that makes sense.’
‘Yes, it makes sense. I don’t know much about relationships…’ Jenna thought about her own relationship with Clive ‘…but I do know that real love is about giving. It’s about wanting someone else’s happiness more than your own. If you care about someone, you want what’s right for them.’
And that was the way she felt about Ryan, she realised. She wanted him to be happy.
Ryan put his arm around her shoulders and drew her against him. ‘That’s what you do with Lexi, all the time. You’re lucky to have her. Lucky to have that bond.’
‘Yes.’ She melted as he kissed her, knowing that everything was changing. Once again life had taken her in a direction she hadn’t anticipated, but this time the future wasn’t terrifying. It was exciting. ‘I’m going to talk to her. I’ve decided. I think maybe she’s old enough to understand.’ Strengthened by her feelings and his, she suddenly felt it was the right thing to do.
‘You’re going to talk to her about us?’
‘Yes. This is what life is, isn’t it? It’s the happy and the sad and the unpredictable. It would be wrong to pretend anything different. Lexi needs to know that life is sometimes hard and that things can’t always stay the same. She needs to know that change isn’t always bad and that the unfamiliar can become familiar. And she needs to know that my love for her will never change, no matter what happens to the way we live.’
Ryan stroked his fingers over her cheek. ‘You’re the most selfless person I’ve ever met. When your husband walked out, who supported you? Not your mother, I assume. Your friends?’
‘For a while. Then I discovered that they’d all known he was having the affair and that they’d known about his other affairs and hadn’t told me.’ Jenna pulled away from him. ‘I found that hard. That and all the advice. “Turn a blind eye.” “Dress like a pole dancer and seduce him back—”’
There was amusement in his eyes. ‘Did you adopt that suggestion?’
‘Of course—I went around wearing nothing but fishnets and a basque.’ Pleased that she was able to make a joke about something she’d never thought would seem funny, she wound a strand of hair around her finger. ‘To be honest, I didn’t want him back. Not after I found out that he’d had a string of affairs throughout our marriage. But the worst thing of all was the way he behaved towards Lexi—it was as if he suddenly just washed his hands of her. His own daughter!’ Humour faded and anger flooded through her, fresh as it had been on that first day. ‘Whatever he felt about me, that was no excuse for cutting Lexi out of his life.’
‘Forget him now.’ His voice was rough as he pulled her back to him. ‘He was your past. I’m your future.’
Jenna stared at him, silenced by the possibilities that extended in front of her. She wanted to ask what he meant. She wanted to ask whether the future meant a few weeks, or more than that, but she was terrified of voicing the question in case the answer was something she didn’t want to hear.
He was watching her, absorbing her reaction. ‘Jenna, I know this is soon, but—’ There was a buzzing sound from his pocket, and Ryan swore fluently and dragged out his phone. ‘Maybe there are some advantages to living in a city—at least someone else can carry the load when you want some time off.’ He checked the number and frowned. ‘It’s Logan. I’d better take this—sorry.’
As he talked to the other doctor, Jenna gently extracted herself from his grip, wondering what he’d been about to say. It was obvious that she wasn’t going to find out quickly, because Ryan was digging in his pocket for his car keys as he talked, the expression on his face enough for her to know that the phone call was serious.
He sprang to his feet. ‘I’ll get up there now.’ His eyes flickered to hers. ‘And I’ll take Jenna with me—no, don’t worry, we’ll handle it together.’
Realising that she was supposed to help him with something, Jenna stood up and brushed the grass off her skirt.
Ryan was already striding towards the path that led up to his car. ‘Have you done any emergency work?’
