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Her mother, who never asked or even seemed to value her opinion on anything, was asking her opinion and looking for reassurance.
Liza considered her answer carefully. “Whatever is in these letters doesn’t change the decision you made. Regret achieves nothing, and it isn’t even valid because looking back with distance, isn’t the same as looking forward when you’re close up.” It was advice she intended to take herself. There was no point looking back and wishing she’d been a different type of mother. There was no point in wishing she’d spoken to Sean sooner. She’d done what felt right at the time. “You did what was right for you and we’re going to remember that as we finish reading these letters.”
“Yes. You’re right of course. Thank you. You’ve always been sensible. You’re like your father, and that’s a good thing.”
Liza had never heard her mother like this. After her father had died, she’d been sad but practical. After the intruder she’d been feisty. But now, facing her past, she was showing a side of herself that Liza had never seen before. A vulnerable side.
“Maybe we should take this slowly.” She looked at the little stack, and wondered what other shocks and revelations lurked in those folded pieces of paper. “We could do a few a day. Or I could read them all and summarize them for you.”
“Oh Liza—” Her mother’s voice wobbled. “I don’t know what I did to deserve a daughter like you.”
The words unlocked the emotion Liza had been trying to keep under control. “You should have had an adventurous daughter, someone who wanted to travel the world. I wanted you to stay home and read to me.”
“You deserve a mother who doesn’t give you constant anxiety attacks.”
Liza managed a smile. “I’m working on that. Given time I might even become what Caitlin would describe as ‘chilled’.”
“Don’t change too much. I admire the way you are. I know I was absent a great deal when you were young. The reasons for that are complicated. Yes, I loved my career, but it was so much more than that. Part of me has never stopped being afraid of loving deeply. Of course that doesn’t mean I don’t love deeply—I do. But I was always afraid to give that love too big a place in my life. Like being afraid of heights, and not looking down when you’re standing on a cliff edge.”
She’d always thought she was to blame for the fact that she wasn’t close to her mother, but she could see now it wasn’t anything to do with her.
Now, finally, she understood.
Her mother’s character had been formed long before Liza had arrived on the scene. Beliefs and behavior arose from unseen events. Something that had happened to her mother sixty years before had continued to send aftershocks through her life. Her mother had been hurt, so she’d distanced, and that feeling of distance had made Liza determined to be closer to her own children, except that she’d got it wrong and now she needed to unravel that.
If Adam had married her mother then Kathleen might have been a different type of mother, which was a ridiculous thought because if Kathleen had married Adam then Liza wouldn’t have existed. But it was a reminder that everything was shaped by events and her own children would be shaped by events too. Perhaps they’d forever be cautious in relationships because they’d remember finding an article entitled “Eight Signs That Your Marriage Might Be in Trouble.” Perhaps they’d decide not to get married or perhaps they’d get married and watch for every one of those eight signs and be happier in their relationships because of it.
“You lived the life you needed to live,” she said. “I respect that. It’s inspiring, and I’m planning on doing more of that myself from now on.”
“You are? Tell me more.”
“Later.” There was time enough for that. “Let’s focus on these letters. What do you want to do?”
“Read them. All of them. Now we’ve started I don’t think I can bear the suspense of not knowing. Do you have the time?”
Liza glanced up as Sean walked into the room bearing a large glass of wine and a cheese platter.
He put it down quietly on the table next to the bed, raised his eyebrows when he saw Popeye curled into her lap and handed her a piece of paper that said “I love you.”
She smiled at him and then turned her attention back to her mother.
“I have all the time in the world. Let’s do this.”
20
KATHLEEN
ALBUQUERQUE~WINSLOW, ARIZONA
Our baby was born today. A little girl. We named her Hannah Elizabeth Kathleen. Perhaps you’ll think that foolish, or even thoughtless, but it’s important to me. Adam resisted. I suppose he didn’t want to be reminded, but I will always think of you as my true and best friend, even though I no longer have the right to call you that.
Kathleen stared out the window as they headed through the deserts of northern Arizona and took a scenic detour through the Petrified Forest National Park.
They’d set out early so that Martha and Josh could do a short hike, which their research had told them was best done early in the day. The hour was irrelevant to Kathleen, who hadn’t slept at all.
Somehow the rhythm of the car and the blur of the landscape was more relaxing than a still, silent hotel room filled with nothing but her thoughts.
They drove to the trailhead for the Blue Mesa Trail that wound its way to the valley floor.
