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It was so unlike her careful daughter to be unguarded in her remarks that Kathleen took heart. There was spirit there, even if it was rarely permitted to see the light. If only she could encourage more of it.
“Never apologize for saying what’s on your mind. It’s true that I wasn’t a hands-on parent. I did leave you, frequently, although you were with your father. You were never unsafe. I could say that it was my job—and that would be true—but it’s also true that I needed to travel.”
“Why? What was missing at home?”
Kathleen wished her daughter had overslept. Of the conversational topics she avoided, emotions were right up there with religion and politics. She didn’t talk about her feelings, and she didn’t talk about the past. Liza knew that. There were some things better kept private. Kathleen had learned to protect herself and was far too old to change. “It was complicated. But it had everything to do with me, not you.”
Liza put her coffee down. “I shouldn’t have asked.”
“You think I was selfish. You think I’m selfish now by not agreeing to go into a residential home.”
“I’m worried, that’s all. I love you, Mum.”
Kathleen squirmed. Why did Liza say things like that?
“I know you do.” She saw something flicker in her daughter’s eyes. Disappointment? Resignation?
“I understand that it isn’t easy to leave somewhere you love, but I want you to be safe.”
“What if that isn’t what I want for myself?”
“You don’t want to be safe?” Liza gently brushed away a bee that was hovering around the table. “That’s the strangest thing I ever heard.”
“I’m saying that there are other things more important than safety.”
“Like what?”
How could she explain? “Happiness. Adventure. Excitement.”
“Surely tackling an intruder is more than enough adventure and excitement for a while?”
“That wasn’t an adventure, it was a wake-up call.”
“Exactly. It was a painful reminder that living in this house by yourself is impractical, but of course we’ll support whatever you want to do.” Liza sounded tired and Kathleen could see her mentally adding to her already-bulging to-do list. Keep an eye on mother.
There would be regular phone calls and twice-monthly visits and another worry to add to the many that already kept her daughter awake at night.
Kathleen wondered how to free her daughter of the crushing sense of responsibility she f
elt for those around her.
“I’m not your responsibility, Liza.”
“Mum—”
“I’m willing to live with the consequences of the decisions I make. I’ve always valued independence—you know that. I’m sure many people considered me selfish traveling the world when I had a young child at home, and maybe I was, but it was my job and I loved it. The Summer Seekers was part of me. Is it selfish to sometimes put your own needs first? I don’t think so. I was a mother, but not only a mother. A wife, but not only a wife. And of course, if I’d been a man, no one would have questioned it. The rules were always different for men, although I hope that’s changing now. Progress.”
“I don’t look at it the way you do. I’m part of a family.”
“Family can be your priority without you waiting on them hand and foot.” She expected her daughter to argue with her and defend the way she lived her life, but instead Liza slumped a little.
“I know. And I don’t know how it got to be this way. I think it’s because it’s simpler to do things myself because then they get done.”
“And if things don’t get done, what’s the worst that can happen?”
“I end up unraveling the mess, which is usually more work than if I’d done it in the first place.” Liza finished her coffee. “Let’s not have this conversation.”
Given that the conversation was starting to veer toward the personal, something Kathleen made a point of avoiding, she readily agreed. There was an awkward silence. “I hear Sean in the kitchen.”
