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“She probably felt she didn’t deserve to be with you. She was punishing herself for Becca.” Flora’s cheeks were wet. “Poor Izzy. I wish she’d told you.”
“I’m just relieved she said something to you or goodness knows how long this might have gone on, or how it would have ended.”
“She didn’t tell me any of that. I just picked up that she was angry with Becca.”
“I should have seen that. Particularly as I had plenty of anger of my own. I focused all my energy into being there for the girls. And then I met you.” He paused. “You were the brightest, most hopeful thing that had happened to me in a long time and I was terrified.”
“Terrified?”
“Yes, because it was too soon, the wrong time, the girls had to be my priority—you name it, I felt it. I didn’t intend to ask you for a coffee that first day, and I didn’t intend to ask you to meet me for lunch every day after that. But being with you felt so good I couldn’t end it. It would have felt like denying yourself water when you’re thirsty. But I knew it was too much.”
“Too much—for me?”
“It was never going to be a simple relationship. It could never be just about you and me.”
“I knew you had the girls, Jack. I knew it from that first day.”
“I was afraid to get too close, and afraid to let the girls get close after Becca.”
“Grief makes you fearful of losing the other people in your lives. It’s something we don’t generally think about. We mostly go through life feeling we’re immortal, but death forces us to accept that we’re not.”
“I still need to decide how much to tell Molly, but that can wait for now.” He glanced at her and shook his head. “I can’t believe you swam.”
“I wanted to swim because—” Should she tell him? Was this the right time? “I hope we’ll carry on coming back here every year and I want to be able to join in.”
“Really? You want to come back?”
“Yes. I love it.” She stared out at the water, seeing only the beauty and not the menace. “It felt like a real step forward. I’m guessing you and Izzy have taken a step forward, too.”
“We have.” His fingers tightened on hers. “What about you? Us? You didn’t sign up for this crazy, complicated family life. I know you hate conflict.”
She smiled. “What I hate even more than conflict is being shut out. Being on the outside. But now I’m on the inside. When the girls ran into the water I realized I am part of your family, your crazy, complicated family, even if we’re all still figuring out what that means and how it looks. And I’ve never been happier.”
Relief spread across his face. “Really? I thought I’d blown it.”
“I thought I’d blown it with Izzy. None of us is perfect, Jack. I don’t expect that. I don’t want it. I know how hard it is to be open and honest with someone. It’s scary. I’m not used to talking about my feelings. I used to think it was because I just didn’t know how to do it, but I think it’s because I was afraid of sharing anything truly personal. It was a way of shielding myself from rejection. The more someone knows about you, the more they can hurt you. We’re both learning. Maybe we can do it together. We just need to keep talking. Keep sharing. We can handle anything life throws at us if we do it together.”
“I feel guilty that you are constantly having to handle my family issues. You don’t have to be part of this. You can still decide to walk away.”
His words made her realize that he had his insecurities, too. Everyone did, didn’t they? And how could Becca’s rejection not have left a scar?
She turned to him and she took his face in her hands, felt the roughness of his jaw under her palms and saw the concern in his eyes. “You have no idea how much I want to be part of exactly this. A family, with all its com
plexities and ups and downs. I don’t want to walk away. I will never walk away.” She said it firmly, so there could be no mistake, but the fact that he’d been protecting her, thinking of her, warmed her in a way she’d never been warmed before. “You were really protecting me?”
“Yes. And I might have been protecting myself a little, too. I was worried that if you realized just how full-on and emotionally exhausting family life is, you might change your mind about me. I don’t want that to happen. I love you too much.”
“And I love you.” The words felt strange. Unfamiliar. She hadn’t said them to anyone in so long. Not since she’d stood in the drafty kitchen in her aunt’s apartment and tried to form a relationship.
We don’t have to love each other, we just have to learn to live together.
Flora had wanted so much more, and now she had more.
She was about to say the words again but he grabbed her and kissed her until her head spun and she couldn’t remember her own name let alone anything else.
Finally, reluctantly, he lifted his head. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear you say that. You love me?”
“Yes. And it feels amazing.”
