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She could have carried on, couldn’t she, hoping that he kept looking at her and no one else?
But she was exhausted with being on her guard and watching for competition. Wiping the smile off Melissa’s face should have been fun, but she’d felt nothing except a bone-deep tiredness.
Flicking her indicator, she took the road that led out of the town towards the lake. Was Dino with her now? Had he turned to her for consolation?
As she drove down the lane that led to her house, the moonlight reflected off the snow and the mountains stood out clearly. It was midnight, but she could see the contour of every peak and she could name them. She’d climbed most of them with Dino by her side. He was right when he’d said she trusted him with her life. She did. Out here, in her world. In the place that mattered to her, she trusted him.
Here, she could be herself. Here, it didn’t matter who designed your handbag or whether your dress was ‘last season’. Here, it was more important to know whether there might be a new snowfall overnight, bringing more risks to walkers in the morning. Here, you had to be able to recognise wind slab and know how to use an ice axe. Here, she was comfortable.
Functioning on automatic, Meg pulled up outside the cottage and gently lifted Jamie out of the back seat of the car. He snuggled against her, his arms tight around her neck. For a moment she held him against her, taking comfort from the feel of his warm, solid body crushed against hers. He was her world. Her whole world.
‘It was a lovely party, Mummy.’ His voice was sleepy. ‘Popcorn. Ice Age. And tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I love Christmas Eve because Christmas is still to come and it’s so exciting.’
Struggling to find even a glimmer of excitement inside herself, Meg picked her way through the fresh snow. ‘What about Christmas Day? Don’t you like that?’
‘Christmas Day is the best. I can’t wait to see Dino again.’
Meg held him tightly with one arm and pushed her key in the door. Looking at the mistletoe, she lifted her hand and pulled it off the door. No more mistletoe. No more dreams and delusions. Flinging it onto the snow, she took a deep breath. ‘He’s not coming, Jamie.’ Her voice was gruff. ‘He can’t make it for Christmas Day. I’m sorry.’ She carried him into the house and Jamie lifted his head groggily. Still sleepy, he focused on her face.
‘He is coming. He promised.’
‘No. No, he’s not. It’s not his fault.’ Her voice cracked. ‘It’s my fault. It’s all my fault.’
‘He said he was coming!’ Fully awake now, Jamie wriggled out of her arms. ‘He promised! He promised he wouldn’t let you push him away! He promised he wouldn’t let that happen. He promised!’
‘Jamie…’ Shocked, Meg held out her arms to him but he backed away, tears pouring down his cheeks.
‘He promised. Just leave me alone! I hate you and I hate Dino! I thought he was a superhero but he isn’t. He isn’t. He’s just a man and I hate him.’ Sobs tearing his little chest, Jamie ran upstairs to his bedroom and slammed the door.
Meg closed the front door and leaned her head against the wood, beating herself up for choosing to tell him now and not wait until the morning when he’d slept and was better able to cope with disappointment. She’d told him, she realised numbly, because she’d needed to talk to someone. But that shouldn’t have been Jamie, should it? He was a child.
She was crying too, hot tears smudging the mascara she’d applied so carefully only a few hours earlier. She wanted to go after Jamie, but she knew he needed a few minutes to calm down by himself.
In a minute she’d go upstairs and tuck him in. Read to him. Stories where a superhero always stepped in when life got hard.
If only…
She needed to explain to him that none of this was Dino’s fault. It was her, wasn’t it?
She was a coward.
She’d fallen over once, hurt herself badly, and now she was afraid to run again. Her mother was right—hanging from a rock face from a thin rope wasn’t brave because she wasn’t afraid of that. Brave was when you did something that terrified you. Tonight, she’d stared her biggest fear in the face. And she’d turned and run.
‘Jamie is quiet, considering it’s Christmas Eve.’ Meg’s mother sprinkled icing sugar over the Christmas cake to look like snow. Outside, the sun shone on the snow crystals, adding sparkle and light. ‘Is he just tired or has something happened?’
‘Do you really need to ask? Don’t put any more sugar on that, Mum, or our teeth will fall out.’
‘I assume this has something to do with Dino?’
‘That’s right. I messed it up. As always.’ Her tone brittle, Meg emptied cranberries into a saucepan. ‘How much water do I add to these?’
‘Just a tablespoon. And the zest of an orange. So are you going to fix it?’
‘Dino broke up with me, Mum.’
She frowned. ‘Really? That surprises me. He doesn’t strike me as the sort who walks away.’
‘No, that’s usually my role.’
