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You did what you could to bury the past, and then something happened and you realized it was right there under the surface just waiting to be exposed. “I’m sorry to hear about Trudy, and sorry that we didn’t have a chance to talk. I didn’t get in touch with her, either, because I knew she blamed me and at the time I felt that blame was justified.”
Stewart started to speak, but she reached out and touched his arm, silencing him.
“After the accident, I asked myself time and time again what I could have done differently. Could we have taken a different route? Could I have tried harder to get Rob to turn round? I examined every option. I asked myself constantly whether I could somehow have avoided what happened. If I’d done something different, would four people now be alive?”
Hannah stood up. “The facts seem to support the theory that they wouldn’t, and it’s the facts that we should believe. And here’s another fact. My father was a bully.” Her voice shook, as if it was taking all her courage to voice those words. “He wanted things his way, and when people didn’t fall in line, he got angry with them. Do not blame yourself, Suzanne. I don’t know if it was Dad’s fault, but I know for sure that it wouldn’t have been yours.”
“I know that, too.” Posy walked round the table and hugged Suzanne. “We don’t have to talk about this. I know how much you hate it. Luke, I think you should leave now.”
Luke hesitated. “Posy—”
“I understand that this is personal for you, too, but it’s upsetting for Suzanne and I think you should go.”
“I agree with Posy,” Hannah said. “I understand that you also had a trauma in your early life, but whatever you thought might be achieved by coming here now after all these years, it was selfish of you not to consider what stirring it all up might do to my mother. I won’t have you upsetting her.”
My mother.
Suzanne stirred. Had she heard correctly? It was the first time Hannah had ever referred to her as my mother.
Her heart felt as if it was swelling. It pressed against her chest, pushed at her ribs and trapped the air in her lungs.
And then she saw Luke’s expression and realized that this moment of joy was going to have to be postponed.
“Luke—”
“They’re right, I shouldn’t have come. It felt like the right thing to do, but I can see now it wasn’t.” He pushed away from the table and stood up. “I’ll pay the rent up until the end of February as we agreed, but I’ll leave tomorrow.”
“Sit down, Luke. I’d like to talk to you.” She really did, although it was clear she was going to have to deal with her family before that was possible.
Already Beth looked ready to pounce. “Mom, you don’t have to talk to him. This time of year is difficult enough for you without having to think about this.”
“I agree with Beth,” Posy said, and Suzanne sighed. For years she’d been desperate for them to bond, and they chose this moment.
“Girls—” Extracting herself from Posy’s hug, she stood up, too. Her legs felt shaky, and she wasn’t sure if that was the remnants of flu or a reaction to everything that had happened. “It’s my turn to say a few things. First, it’s true that I don’t generally like talking about the avalanche. It’s been my way of not letting it dominate my life. But somewhere along the way I’ve led you to believe that I’m fragile, and that’s not true.”
Beth frowned. “Mom—”
“I appreciate you trying to protect me, but next time you get a call from a journalist that concerns me, you’re to give me their number so I can speak to them direct. Are we clear?”
“But—”
“Are we clear?”
Beth and Hannah exchanged glances. “Yes.”
“Good. And now I’d like all of you to leave so that Luke and I can talk without interruption.”
Posy dug her hands into the pockets of her jeans. “No way. I’m not leaving here. You’re going to have to drag me.”
Suzanne looked at Stewart. He was quiet, thoughtful, absorbing it all.
He was worried about her—she knew that. But he was also the one person who would understand why she needed to do this.
He stood up. “I think we should leave your mother to talk to Luke.”
Apparently his voice held more weight than hers, because the three girls looked at each other and reluctantly moved to the door.
Beth hovered. “We’ll be right outside.”
