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When had she suddenly started to question the way she’d felt about Tim?
Joel was still looking at her. ‘When did you know that Tim was the man you wanted to marry?’
Lucy opened her mouth, hesitating before she answered. ‘I suppose everyone just assumed we would,’ she said finally. ‘Getting married just seemed like a natural progression to our friendship.’
Joel frowned. ‘I’m no expert, but that doesn’t sound like love to me. It sounds like convenience.’
Lucy gave a half-smile. ‘But love isn’t like the fairy-tales, Joel.’
‘Isn’t it?’ Joel gave her a strange look. ‘Actually, I’ve always assumed that it should be, if it’s right. From the outside, looking in, my parents seem to have it, and Michael and Maria, and Nick and Tina. You only have to watch them together to see that they share something special. Something that is just between the two of them. Is that what you had with Tim?’
‘I don’t think so,’ she said honestly. ‘I just don’t know how I felt about Tim any more. Everything is so mixed up. Anger at the way he left us and hurt Sam, fear of being on my own, loneliness—sometimes my emotions are in such a mess that I couldn’t begin to untangle them.’ She slipped her fingers into the pocket of her jeans and pulled out a crumpled letter. ‘Do you know what I did tonight?’
‘What?’
‘I read Tim’s letter for the first time. He left it on the table the day he decided to walk out.’
Joel looked astonished. ‘And you’d never read it before?’
‘Oh, I read it.’ Lucy stared down at the paper, realising that looking at it didn’t hurt any more. ‘I read it, but I didn’t read it, if you see what I mean.’
Joel shook his head and gave her an apologetic look. ‘Frankly, no.’
Lucy gave a tiny smile. ‘Well, I read the words, of course, but I didn’t really try and understand or listen to what he was telling me in the letter. I was so angry and hurt by the way he’d behaved towards us that I couldn’t see further than the obvious fact. That he’d left us.’
‘But now?’
‘Now I’m starting to wonder whether he was right.’ She shook her head slightly. ‘Not in the way he did it, of course—leaving Sam like that was unforgivable. But he said that we married for all the wrong reasons and maybe he was right.’
He stared at her. ‘What made you decide all this?’
‘I don’t know.’
But she did know.
It was because of Joel.
Spending time with Joel had made her realise that what she’d had with Tim hadn’t been right.
Suddenly she knew exactly what being in love felt like.
It was the way she felt about Joel.
Not that she’d ever tell Joel that, of course. He was probably used to women falling in love with him, but she certainly didn’t want to admit that she’d joined their ranks. At least this way she’d keep him as a friend.
And that was all he would ever be, of course. Joel didn’t know what love was. Which meant that he certainly wasn’t in love with her.
‘How do you know that someone is right, Lucy?’ He shrugged his shoulders helplessly. ‘I’m so afraid I’ll get it wrong.’
She smiled softly, thinking enviously of the woman Joel finally fell in love with. ‘I suppose, when it happens, you’ll just know. You just haven’t met the right person, Joel.’
‘Maybe not.’ He gave a smile and reached out a hand. ‘I’ve had a lousy day. I need a hug.’
She went willingly into his arms, and he folded her against him.
‘I could get to like this friendship business,’ he muttered into her hair, and she reflected on the irony of the situation.
At the beginning she’d only wanted friendship and Joel hadn’t been sure that he could deliver, and now, when she was beginning to think she’d like their relationship to develop into something more, he was enjoying their friendship.
