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“I thought I could handle all this, but I can’t. I’ve got more TV interviews next week, and I… I don’t want to keep bringing up all the crap from the past. I never wanted any of this.”
“Why you didn’t say so before it started?”
“I thought it would be okay. I didn’t expect to feel like this.”
“Like what?”
“Like it’s real.”
Drew’s eyes met mine with such heaviness behind them, the only thing I could think of to do was hug him. He didn’t put his arms around me right away. When he did, he held me tightly, his chin rested on the top of my head.
I never knew it was possible to feel someone’s pain through a hug before. Everywhere our bodies touched seemed to tingle with Drew’s sadness, like some kind of emotional osmosis, and my chest ached for him.
What hurt one of us, hurt us all – like The Three Musketeers, but with drums and guitars instead of swords.
“I don’t hate him, Ells. I don’t want you to think that.”
“I never thought you did. I know why you feel the way you do, and I understand. Your whole life has revolved around Jason, but you underestimate yourself. You’re not doing so badly.”
He let go of me, and slowly paced the hallway. “I know I’m lucky, but I’ve wasted so much time looking out for him, and when he hits rock bottom, he still comes out on top. If it was me, if I was the screw up, I wouldn’t have what he has. He always lands on his feet.”
I wrapped my arms around myself to replace the warmth lost when Drew moved away from me. “He lands on his feet because he has you. If you’d left him to go his own way, he would have kept on making mistakes. Maybe you should be proud of that instead of angry.”
Drew shook his head. “I don’t think you understand at all.”
“So tell me.”
He scrubbed his hands roughly through his hair. “I did, but like always, like everyone else, you’re only focused on the end result, not all the shit I went through to get there.”
“Hey.” I caught h
is arm again to make him stop. “I was there too, remember? I watched you go through hell while you tried to help Jason, and I remember how much of a bastard he was to both of us, but what’s the point in stewing over it?”
A bitter laugh escaped his lips. “I should have expected that from you. You were always out with him, getting drunk. It didn’t help.”
I flinched as his words flew out and hit me; as forceful and penetrating as spears stabbing through my chest. Drew was always only one touchy comment away from reminding me he was the adult and I was his brother’s childish friend. It still hurt every time he pulled out that particular card. Did he think I didn’t regret the “old days” when Jason and I got hammered most nights, and did stupid stuff like falling asleep in a drunken heap outside Jason’s flat because we were too pissed to get through the door? It didn’t take long for me to realise nursing hangovers and vomiting up last night’s kebabs was not how I wanted to live my life.
“Getting drunk on a few nights out is hardly the crime of the century!” I snapped. “You weren’t the only one who kept him out of trouble. The times I had to stop him getting into stupid, petty fights over spilled drinks. The times I wrestled drugs out of his hands! I sat with both of you when he was completely off his brain to be sure nothing bad happened to him. If anyone drove him to it, it was you! Always telling him he was being stupid. If you’d backed off, he might have figured things out for himself!”
Drew stared at me then his eyes closed. I knew I’d gone too far, but he had too. Just as I’d wanted to punch him in the face a second ago, I’d have done anything to take away the pain that kept him locked in the horrible place he couldn’t forget.
“Do you ever blame yourself?” Drew asked. “Do you ever think you should have done more to stop Jason doing the things he did?”
I slid my hand down his arm, and clasped my fingers around his. “Of course. But deep down I know there was nothing. They were his choices. What could I do to stop him?”
His voice dropped, and his eyes locked onto mine. “Nothing. Just like I couldn’t do anything. It doesn’t seem fair. We had the same chances, but he messed up and he still gets everything. It’s the same with you.”
“What is?”
“He was the one who dragged you up on stage and got you in the papers, and you still forgave him. All he has to do is smile, and you forget that he fucked up. You might think you care about us equally but you’ve always favoured Jason. Right from when we were kids.”
Kids. That’s all we were when we met, and Jason was my favourite Brooks brother back then. I adored him, because children don’t want to hang around with people who never let loose and do something ridiculous just because. Jason was the person I had the most fun with, while Drew was serious and sensible. So many times he rolled his eyes when Jason and I built snowmen in the front yard or had water balloon fights in his garden. We’d walk through the house, drenched and giggling, and Drew would sigh at our immaturity. I wanted him to play but he always refused, always had more grown-up stuff to do. As I got older, I understood Drew had always carried extra responsibility, but now as adults, he still wouldn’t let go of a time I had long since left behind me.
“When we were kids, Drew, you would barely give me the time of day. Of course I preferred him. Now-”
“What?”
I glanced down at our still joined hands.
