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“When are you going to understand? You can’t help me! This is who I am, okay? So, you and Drew, and everyone else who thinks you can fix me – just fucking stop!”
The physical pain I felt began to fade as a fresh wave of fury pumped through my veins. My whole body trembled, but I gathered my strength and screamed, “This is not who you are!”
“How the hell would you know? You haven’t been around for months!”
“I was right here! I was here, but you pushed me away! You kept pushing, and I still kept coming back!”
“Well nobody asked you to!” He loosened his grip on me, but not before shoving me into the table once more. Another jolt of pain ripped through my spine, but I refused to crumble.
“You know what you are?” Jason kicked the side of the sofa with his bare foot. “You’re a goody-goody. You and Drew. You’re both the same. Always trying to fix things. Always trying to turn people into something they’re not. This is me, Ellie! I take drugs. I like drugs. They’re better than people. People make me feel like shit! You make me feel like shit!”
Tears pricked my eyes then spilled over. I never treated him badly, not once. I kept treating him the same way as always, pretending nothing was wrong in the hope that somewhere inside him, the real Jason was still alive.
And it meant nothing to him. I meant nothing.
Angrily brushing away my tears, I straightened up. He wasn’t looking at me anymore. Instead, he repeatedly kicked at the sofa, and I strode past him to sit down on the floor, right where I’d found him. He grabbed my hair but before he could pull, I smacked his hand away.
“Ellie, I swear to God, if you touch that, I’ll kill you.”
I didn’t doubt his threat, but I was too angry to care.
“I want some.”
The words flew out of my mouth easily. I wanted to know what was so damn good about cocaine that Jason couldn’t, wouldn’t give it up. I had to know.
I reached out to straighten up the cocaine lines, but he yanked me to my feet. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Is it the money?” I shoved my hand into my jeans pocket and closed my fingers around a twenty pound note. “I’ll pay.”
Jason gripped my shoulders tightly. “Stop it,” he snarled. “Stop it!”
“You always tell me how good it feels to score, so let me find out for myself. Come on, Jason. Show me what to do!”
He stared at me, his eyes burning with hatred. “Don’t joke about that.”
“Do I look as if I’m fucking joking? Let me have some.”
“No!”
As he spat the word out, his fist connected with my cheek, knocking me to the floor. I curled up into a ball as the shock of his blow and the ache in my back overtook me. My limbs felt heavy, weak, lifeless.
“Ellie.”
Jason sank to his knees, his hands resting on my shoulders but all I could feel was the crippling agony from everything he’d done to me, like razors, piercing at my skin.
Piercing at my heart.
“Ellie, I’m so sorry. Please, tell me you’re okay. Please.”
An ear-splitting shriek ripped from my throat, followed by heavy, body-quivering sobs, and I fell onto my side, clutching my knees to my chest as if it would keep me safe from the pain.
It couldn’t. Nothing could.
Jason shuffled closer, leaning over me, and a hot tear that wasn’t my own landed on my cheek. I didn’t want to feel his guilt, or his regret. I didn’t want to forgive him for hitting me, or for the things he said. His tears rained down on me, but I didn’t move.
Time passed. Maybe seconds, maybe minutes. Probably not hours. From my position on the floor, I felt Jason suddenly grow tense.
“What the hell?”
