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“Why didn’t you ring me?”
“Why do you think? Drew was already pissed off with me. I didn’t want to-”
“He’s not an ogre! If you’d told him what was going on-”
“He’d have had me back in rehab before I’d finished getting the words out!”
“Well you’re going back now anyway, so what bloody difference does it make? I lied for you, Jason! I risked everything because I trusted you, and look where we are!”
Another stream of tears fell from Jason’s eyes, and the throbbing in my head intensified. How did he not understand? How could he think Drew would ever want to see him suffer?
The same way Drew thinks Jason doesn’t respect him.
They were so close once. When they were kids, through their teen years, right up to the day Jason started lying about his drug use. They patched up the damage afterwards, but it all came back when the stupid feud dredged up whatever unresolved feelings lurked under the surface, and tore open old wounds, making them bleed out onto everyone around them.
Mostly onto me.
“I miss her too, you know?”
My head snapped up. “What?”
“My mum,” he whispered. “I miss her.”
Deep inside my chest, my heart quivered, shooting out waves of grief for him that surged through my veins, making me clutch at my stomach.
As if that would make it stop.
I knew it. I knew that was the comment that tipped Jason over the edge. Any reference to their mother was extremely rare because the whole family was always so concerned they might upset each other. It wasn’t like she never existed, but it certainly wasn’t a topic they approached without a reason. Didn’t other families occasionally mention the person they missed, reminiscing about old times and keeping the memories alive?
“Drew said Dad blamed himself for not doing enough for me after Mum died. So, I went to Dad’s after I left your parents’ house and waited for him to come home. I wanted to tell him he did. He did more than enough. It wasn’t his fault I turned out this way. It was all me.”
“Did you tell him?”
Jason nodded. “Yeah. And it was the first time I felt as though I’d spoken to him properly in years. We talked about Mum, and... I told him I can’t remember her. Not clearly. All I have are these stupid snippets of events that might never have happened. The memory of her teaching me and Drew to ride our bikes in the back garden. Consoling me after Dad told me off for messing around in his shed. Seeing her lying in her hospital bed, too weak to talk, but still managing to smile when me and Drew went to visit her.”
I stepped towards him again as he paused, drawing in a shuddering breath.
“All that stuff happened. I didn’t make any of it up, but I missed out on so much. She wasn’t here the first time I got an A at school. She wasn’t around to give me a lecture about not breaking girls’ hearts. Didn’t see our first gig. So, last night, I went up to my old room at Dad’s house so I could think about everything. Mum, Drew, you.” He shook his head. “I never dealt with any of that stuff properly. Not even in rehab. I sound like a fucking cliché, because you know what? My life didn’t turn out so bad. But I hid behind drugs, and last night, just for once, I used the coke knowing I couldn’t blame anyone but myself. Not Mum for dying when I was young, not Dad for not being enough, not Drew for always being on my case, and not you for being so damn reasonable all the time.”
“Jason,” I whispered. “Did you overdose on purpose?”
His eyes widened. “What? God, Ellie, no. No. I didn’t want to die. I wanted to... I don’t know... escape.”
It wasn’t a good enough excuse. Nothing justified him using cocaine again, but how could I be angry with him? Seeing him in so much pain made me ache. For what he’d lost and for all the issues he’d kept inside for way too long. He hadn’t gotten low enough to want to end it all, but if he’d continued feeling like he had nowhere to turn? What then?
My head gave another painful throb, and I squeezed my eyes shut.
Just a bit longer, Ellie. Then you can go get some air. And painkillers.
I didn’t want to leave until Drew arrived, and I’d ensured there was no danger of them fighting again. They’d both been hurt enough.
“I want to go to rehab,” Jason said, surprising me.
He hated that place.
“You know that decision’s already been made?”
He gave a small laugh through his tears. “I know. But I want to go. Ellie, you have to understand, if I hadn’t used, I’d still have had that need in me. If you’d told Drew, or if you’d checked me into rehab yourself, I would have gone in, listened without hearing, and come straight back out and done what I intended to do all along. Rehab takes work. You know who I am, you’ve always known. I’m an addict, and we can be as devious we need to be until we get what we want. I never meant for you to get involved, and I’m sorry you did. But maybe this had to happen, to scare me into getting clean for good.”
