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The man who, although he had a million reasons to, never gave up on the things he wanted, and the people he loved.
I had no idea if I was still one of those people, but I was about to find out.
Instead of the usual dash-off-the-stage-to-avoid-the-overexcited-hordes, Jason took the mic again, his eyes swivelling towards me, silently asking if I was ready; if I was sure.
In that moment, he would have let me back out, I knew it. Because in spite of his need to fix some of the damage he’d done, he would never force me to do something I didn’t want to do.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I nodded.
“Okay, ladies and gents,” Jason said, turning back to the crowd, “we’re not quite finished here yet. Before I go on, I ask you to remember the no videos rule, because this gig tonight... it’s for you. What happens in here stays in here. Like Vegas.” A small chuckle rippled around the room, but there was no disguising the building tension. It definitely wasn’t just my own, bouncing off the walls and affecting everyone. The audience whispered to each other, creating an excited buzz.
“Are you okay?” Lucy whispered, making me jump. I was trying to get in the zone, whatever the hell that meant. Does anyone really know what it means?
“I think so,” I whispered back, and she held onto my hand as she turned her attention back to Jason.
Me? I watched Drew looking at Mack and Joey, like he was trying to figure out if they knew why Jason was still talking. They carefully avoided his gaze.
I stopped hearing Jason’s words. There was only one word I needed as my cue. My name. Until then, my eyes stayed on Drew.
One thing I’d never needed help with when singing Drew’s song, was emotion. Maybe it would never win any prizes for being the most lyrically beautiful song ever written, but it was ours. It was about us, and I felt it, every word, because I’d lived it.
I’d never had to sing it with him in the room, though. With his eyes on me while I sang the words he wrote. How could I do that? Drew was maybe six or seven feet away from me, and I’d started to shake the second I allowed myself to really look at him. Taking in the way his dark hair curled against the collar of his shirt, the sweat trickling down his cheek, his fingers still wrapped around his drumsticks as though they were a part of him the way I used to be a part of him.
How would it be when there was hardly any distance between us? When he was close enough to touch?
Mouth dry. Hands clammy and shaking. Heart smacking against my chest so hard it might burst out.
I flicked my head around to look at Lucy, ready to tell her I couldn’t do it.
It was too late. Jason said my name, calling me to the stage.
My head was a jumbled mess, like someone had poured a tin of Alphabetti Spaghetti where my brain used to be.
“Deep breaths.” Lucy stroked the back of my hand. “You can do this.”
Those moments in movies, when time slows down, and everything drags across the screen, building the tension to the big money shot everyone’s been waiting for.
That was my walk to the stage.
On trembling legs, I reminded myself why I needed to do this. I wanted to.
I shook my head, trying to stop the endless stream of gibberish thoughts rattling around my mind, and when I reached Jason’s side, he put his arm around my shoulders to steady me.
“You okay?” Jason whispered, as the mumbles of the crowd lessened.
“I don’t know yet. I guess we’ll find out together.”
Behind me, shuffling feet alerted me to Mack taking his place. I wasn’t sure where Joey and Jason went, and I couldn’t see Drew, but I knew he hadn’t left the stage. His eyes burned into my back.
Being on stage wasn’t like the last time. The pub didn’t have an expensive, blinding lighting system, so I could see everyone in the crowd staring at me, waiting. Natalie, stunning in a red dress, totally inappropriate for a pub gig in the middle of winter but beautiful all the same; Derek, willing me on with encouraging eyes. Then Lucy, who popped up at the front of the stage, smiling proudly, as if I was the coolest big sister in the world.
I’m not cool. I’d made a mess of everything.
The people in front of me blurred as tears flooded my eyes again. Mack started to play, and the insanity of what I was about to do hit me full force.
Drew wrote this beautiful song for me, and I broke him. Broke his trust. Broke his heart.
I was worse than Lisa. She played on his insecurities, and dropped him when he’d reached his lowest point. I swore I’d never be like her. That I’d never hurt him. I promised him I wouldn’t lie to him, or make him feel second best, and what did I do? The only thing guaranteed to send him spiralling back to the place in his mind where he felt like nothing.
