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“Doesn’t that just put you on edge a lot of the time? How do you handle it?”
He smiled. “I handle it by having good friends around me. I try to keep busy. It’s only really bad in situations like tonight, but I don’t want to avoid clubs and pubs just in case something happens. That would feel like letting it beat me. I try to live as normally as possible and deal with things as they come up.”
I nodded, but couldn’t shake off the anxiety that had settled inside me. Was this how Ellie had felt last year when she tried to stop him using? Was this how she and Drew, and Drew’s dad, and the rest of the band felt every day? I understood the realities of cocaine addiction, or I thought I had. But actually witnessing it? I had the image of Jason shaking outside the club permanently etched into my mind. I’d never forget it. It stored itself in my memory banks along with the memory of him acting shifty when I was still a schoolgirl, when I hadn’t fully understood what was happening, and the time I saw him in the hospital all wired up after his overdose the year before. These little snippets were parts of his world, and they frightened me.
“Luce. What are you thinking?” When I shook my head, refusing to look at him, he squeezed my hand. “Please.”
I slowly raised my head, and the concern in his eyes made me ache. Somewhere in the depths of those green eyes, he was asking me not to see him differently. Not to become one of those people who labelled him a cokehead and backed away. Not to become overbearing like Drew and Ellie.
“Jase. Tonight was weird for me. I’ve seen you at your best, and I’ve seen you at your worst. But when I saw you in the hospital, even knowing how serious that was, it wasn’t the same as seeing you craving.” His eyes lowered and he started to pull away, but I squeezed his fingers with mine, bringing his focus back to me. “Don’t go, because I ha
ven’t finished.”
He shook his head. “You don’t understand.”
“You’re right. I don’t. I don’t understand how any of this feels for you because even though you’ve told me, I’ve never been there. I’ll never fully understand. But I’ve known you my whole life. Not the same way as Ellie because I didn’t grow up with you, but that means I see you differently. No matter what happens, you’ll always be Jason from next door. The guy who always made me laugh, and always joined in with every game we played at family get togethers when everyone else was being boring. This… this addiction you have to live with… it’s part of you. As long as you’re willing to keep fighting it, I’m willing to stand beside you.”
“And if I slip?”
His question wasn’t fair, and we both knew it. But I didn’t think he meant it the way it sounded. After all, my last words could have been viewed as an ultimatum. In reality, we were feeling each other out, trying to find out if the friendship that had been growing between us stood a chance of surviving through any ups and downs that might come our way.
“I’ll pick you up.”
The moment was broken as the sound of the rest of the band clambering onto the bus made us pull away from each other. Our eyes were still locked though.
Mack and Joey said a brief goodnight as they passed but Drew stopped by my bunk. “Are you okay, Lucy?”
I nodded, giving him a small smile. “Much better now I’m away from the club. It was too hot and loud in there but Jason made sure I got back here safely.”
“Actually, I was just about to make us some tea,” Jason said, turning over to face Drew. “Do you want a cup?”
Drew nodded. “Please. I’ll give you a hand.”
Jason rolled out of my bunk, landing deftly on his feet. He smiled as he turned to me. “I’ll be right back.”
It was kind of a relief to be on my own for a while. That moment with Jason had set my heart and mind racing. It had been a weird day, and of all the things I’d imagined happening, it never occurred to me that having to help Jason deal with his cravings would bring us closer. It never occurred to me that I might have to help with his cravings. That was something I never wanted to see again, but I wasn’t naïve enough to think it wouldn’t happen again. If not on this tour, maybe on the next, or the one after.
I blew out a breath as the reality of what I was dealing with began to sink in. A sensible person would have been put off. Would have walked away to avoid the chance they might get hurt. I’d been sensible about my feelings for Jason. I’d been realistic and responsible and all the things many nineteen-year-olds wouldn’t have managed. But we were getting closer, and if the guys hadn’t walked in when they did, would something have happened? When Jason’s eyes were locked on mine, I thought for a second he might kiss me. And however un-sensible it would have been to let him, I would have. Everything I thought I felt for him had become more and more real with every conversation we’d had, whether serious or silly. He was someone I had the best of everything with. When we talked about the things we were passionate about, we connected, and when we teased each other, it somehow solidified our friendship because we could be open and easy with each other. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that Jason and I would get married, have children, and grow old together. That was a childish dream, and I wasn’t chasing a childish dream. I was chasing the chance to be with someone I’d been slowly falling in love with for the last year, wherever it might lead.
“Here you go, Luce.”
Jason’s voice stirred me from my thoughts, and I slid out of my bunk to take the cup of tea he offered me. “Thanks. Is Drew still up?”
“Yeah, he’s just gone to have a word with the driver. We’ll be moving off soon.”
I nodded, unsure what to do or say. I didn’t want to go to bed, but I also knew we couldn’t talk anymore about what had happened at the club while Drew was still awake. I looked into his eyes, hoping he could read me silently asking if he was okay. The smile he gave me was so soft, so sweet, my heart fluttered.
“I’m okay,” he mouthed.
I smiled back at him, but we both knew the conversation had to be over, at least for the time being.
“Goodnight, Lucy.”
“Night, Jason.”
He turned and headed to the back of the bus, and I sighed and leaned back against my bunk. It had been one of those nights. The kind you’re sure mean something, but you don’t know what yet.
“Where did Jason go?” Drew asked, and I looked up to see him heading towards me.
