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“That’s not what I was doing. I’m your sister. You’re allowed to be more honest with me knowing I won’t try to change your mind. Unless… you’ve changed your mind…?”
“I haven’t. I’m just now realising how huge this is. Well, sort of. I knew it was huge, but now the day has arrived and it feels different. Real.”
“It’s still strange for us too,” Drew said. “Being on tour, travelling, meeting new people. But once you get out there, you get caught up in the moment, and it’s fun. Tiring, but fun.”
A smile began to spread across my lips. I’d been on the band’s previous tour bus, and it was kind of like a very compact home, filled with as many luxuries as can fit on an upgraded coach. There were books to read, and a TV to watch, and I was sure I’d seen some kind of games console in there. For my own entertainment, I had my iPad, laptop, and several notebooks and pens. Memories fade, and I wanted every single one captured so I could remember even the tiniest details. I also had my camera to take snapshots to go alongside my journal entries. I recalled Drew pointing out that we wouldn’t see much of most of the places we’d visit, but I’d vowed to do my best to capture as much as possible.
Blowing out another breath, I reached for a slice of toast, not bothering to butter it. I didn’t want to push my stomach too hard until I was sure I could handle it.
We sat in silence for a while, until Drew finished his breakfast, then he left the table for a shower. The atmosphere shifted in an instant as Ellie watched me across the table, her blue eyes wide with concern.
“Is this the part where you give me the big sister talk?” I raised my eyebrows.
She nodded, her dark hair falling in front of her face a little. “Yeah. As much as I want to be the cool sibling who lets you go without saying anything, I don’t think I can.”
I sighed. “Fine. Go for it.”
“This isn’t about telling you to be safe, and to never go anywhere unaccompanied. You’re not a child. I don’t need to remind you not to take sweets from strangers. But I do want to talk to you about Jason.”
Oh God. I’d hoped she wouldn’t do this. I knew she knew how I felt – everyone knew. Well, not everyone. I wasn’t sure my parents had figured it out, but Ellie and Drew were definitely aware. Ellie and I had only ever spoken about it in depth once, in a conversation that mortified me as Ellie told me she and Jason had had a brief relationship when they were much younger. Since then though, it was a silent thing. We knew, we didn’t discuss. What was the point?
My dating inexperience was a huge downfall, and kind of a source of embarrassment. I was the only one of my close friends who hadn’t had sex yet, and while I was mostly okay with that, it sometimes felt like a massive burden. Many people I knew saw virginity as something to get rid of as quickly as possible, but that wasn’t how I felt. I was happy to hold on to it until I found someone worthy of giving it to, but at the same time, it also kept me out of conversations sometimes. While my mates discussed size, stamina, and goodness knows what else, I had nothing to contribute, and I felt left out. It was a small price to pay for not having a lifelong regret, but when I combined my fears with my crush on Jason… I knew nothing could ever happen between us. Logically, I knew it anyway – sex wasn’t part of that equation. He was ten years older than me. A nineteen-year-old and an almost thirty-year-old? It just wasn’t plausible.
It didn’t stop me imagining it, though.
Closing her eyes, as if having this conversation tortured her, Ellie sighed. The truth was, she was the cool sibling, but she knew Jason better than anyone – even Drew. She wouldn’t relax until she’d said whatever was on her mind.
“Okay,” she began. “I know Jason means a lot to you. You know him better than a lot of people do, and you know his history. Not the media-hyped history, but the truth. I know that’s part of what makes you like him more. I’m scared you’re going to… I’m worried you’re going to rely on him too much while you’re away. You’ve always been closer to him than to Drew, but Jason… he’s unreliable sometimes. A lot of the time. He’s better than he used to be, and he’s happier now than he’s been in a long time, but ultimately, he’s still Jason.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Way to talk about your best friend, Ellie.”
She shook her head. “I know that doesn’t sound good, and I’m not saying those things to run him down. If you asked him, he’d tell you those things himself. He is my best friend, and he’s sweet, and caring, and a bunch of other things that people don’t realise. What I’m trying to say is… don’t let the way you feel about him make you cling on to him. If you need anything while you’re away, please, go to Drew. Talk to him. He’ll listen better than Jason ever could. I want you to have the best summer ever. I want you to experience band life, and meet the kind of people you’d never meet at home. I want you to see different places, and yes, I want you to have fun with the guys. Get lost in the moments, and see those people in a way most people never get to. Let Jason be someone you have a good time with, but don’t make him everything. You’ll get hurt, and I couldn’t stand to see that.”
My eyes prickled with tears, but I didn’t know why. Ellie had told me nothing I didn’t already know. Jason Brooks was not the most reliable person in the world, and I never had any intention of making him the centre of my universe, in spite of how I felt about him. Drew was definitely a safer bet if I needed someone to turn to, and I loved him for it. Hell, even Mack and Joey were safer options, and I didn’t know them nearly as well. They weren’t part of my family like the Brooks boys.
“Ellie.” I couldn’t get any other words out; I was sure I’d choke on them if I tried.
Ellie rose from her chair again and moved around the table to sit beside me. “I’m sorry.” She took my hand. “I know how hard this is.”
She did too. Because she used to be me. In this exact position. Actually, she was probably in a worse position because when she was crushing on Jason when she was a teenager. She had no idea what a mess he’d turn into. I was fully aware. That probably made me even more stupid.
“Thank you, Ellie. But I can handle this, I promise. I know how he is, and I would always go to Drew for help before anyone else. This thing with Jason… it’s not real. It’s a phase. A really long phase, but maybe going on this tour will cure it. Maybe once I spend so much time with him, I’ll feel different. Who knows, there might be a hot roadie with us t
o take my mind off him.”
Ellie smiled as she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into a hug. “I hope so. Thanks for being so cool about me saying that, Luce. I didn’t want to be a pain in the ass, but… you know.”
I nodded. I was her baby sister. Just like I was Mum and Dad’s baby girl. That was something I could never change, even if I lived to be a hundred years old.
**
So much for excitement. We’d been on the train to Bristol for an hour and a half, and Razes Hell, the wild boys of the British music scene, were asleep. It wasn’t even lunchtime yet every one of them had passed out in their seats, leaving me to stare out of the window as the English countryside whizzed by. Perhaps it was the gentle chug of train that had sent them off so soundly. I was still too wired to sleep – and really – who falls asleep at that time of day? I was going on tour with a bunch of wrinklies!
I picked up my journal from the table in front of me, opening it up and tapping my pen against the blank page. Beside me, Drew gave a soft snore and I shook my head in amusement. Jason looked peaceful opposite me with his head against the window, and beside him, Joey’s mouth hung open. Mack sat in the seat just across the aisle, his head occasionally dropping sideways onto the disgruntled woman beside him.
It was too rock and roll for words.
Turning my gaze back to my blank page, I thought for a moment about what I wanted to write. It was so inviting, all that empty space to share my innermost thoughts, my experiences. I figured page one should be more of an introduction than anything. Nobody but me – and perhaps my family, depending on what spewed out of my pen – would ever see it, but this was a project for me. Something to be taken seriously, like an essay, or an exam.
