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“Where’s Jason?” he asked.
“He’s outside. I asked him if he’d mind me coming in on my own first. I needed to see you and…” I trailed off, shaking my head. “I feel like I need to apologise even though I don’t know what I’m apologising for.”
“You don’t need to apologise for anything.” He turned his head, looking straight ahead at the opposite wall, eyes still void of emotion.
“Drew.” I reached for his hand. “You don’t have to be strong the whole time. You don’t have to hold it together in front of me, or any of us. Everyone who’s here for you loves you, and if you need to-”
“Dad can’t handle it. And Ellie’s so close to breaking, I can’t put this on them. You and Jason have got your own things to deal with, and your mum, great as she is, shouldn’t have to deal with it either.”
I reached up and gently turned his face back to mine. “Drew, come on. You’ve spent your whole life being strong for everyone else. Don’t let this be something else that ends up eating away at you because it won’t do anyone any good.”
This was his thing. Suppressing his feelings until he exploded, and it never led to anything good. If the worst outcome happened, and he had to spend his life in a wheelchair, pushing down his feelings about that would kill him. It would kill Ellie, and it could kill their relationship. He’d gotten so much better at opening up, but even for someone who wasn’t emotionally stunted, it would be hard to handle this kind of news. For Drew, it was so much harder.
“Nobody’s here, Drew. Just me. Jason’s outside, but he said he’d wait.”
Silence echoed around the room, Drew just staring at me with his still vacant eyes. My hand was shaking in his, but I waited. I waited for what I knew was coming; had to come for Drew to begin to come to terms with the thing that had the potential to change his whole life.
I wasn’t sure how much time passed as I kept my eyes gentle on his, letting him know I was there for him whenever he was ready. Suddenly, his eyes closed, his body stiffened, his hand tightened around mine and he let out a huge, gut-wrenching growl of pain. He lowered his head, his entire body shaking with the sobs he’d held in, and I shuffled as close to him as I could, wrapping my arms around him and pulling him in to me. The strong man I knew crumpled before my eyes, cracking my heart into a million pieces.
“It’s okay,” I whispered. “It’s okay.”
He curled his arms around me, and we sat, both of us sobbing, both of us lost in our own thoughts about what might be ahead. There was nothing I could say to him that would ease his fears or take away the pain of what he was going through. Not just about his own future, but the loss of Mack, and the reality that Razes Hell’s success was about to reach a screeching halt. It was at least twenty minutes before we calmed down enough to break apart and look at each other. I held onto his hand as he took in some deep breaths. His eyes appeared marginally less heavy and a touch brighter after letting go of all that he’d held in. He was far from okay, but the slight improvement gave me hope that he’d be able to get through this, as long as he didn’t start holding everything back again.
“Drew,” I said, gently. “Nobody has spoken to Jason and me for a few hours and… I just… we were sort of…”
“You want to know what my scan results showed.”
I nodded, trying to control the shakes vibrating my body.
“I have something called spinal stenosis. I don’t know exactly, but something dislodged in the crash and it’s crushing some of my nerve tissue. I’m having surgery tomorrow.”
“Okay. How… I mean… what…?”
“If the surgery goes well there’s every chance I’ll be absolutely fine,” Drew interrupted, understanding my stuttered words. “But… there are some huge risks
with the surgery. When they tell you what’s going to happen, they also outline the risks. I might still have symptoms, and need more surgery in the future. Worst case scenario, I could end up permanently paralysed. Or it could kill me.”
My hand shot to my mouth. Death is a risk with any kind of surgery, but hearing Drew say it so openly shocked me. He rubbed his hand across his forehead before looking me in the eye again. “If I’m paralysed, Lucy, I might not just use the use of my legs. I could lose control of my bladder, and I could end up needing round the clock care. I don’t… I don’t want to live that way, and more than that, I don’t want that to be Ellie’s life. I don’t want her life to revolve around caring for me. I love her too much to make her do that.”
I shook my head, my eyes filling with tears again. “You wouldn’t be making her do anything. She loves you so much. She would give up everything she has for you.”
“But she shouldn’t have to.”
“What are you saying?”
He sighed. “I don’t know. I guess that we should forget about the wedding. Forget about everything. I should let her go.”
I stood up, shaking my head again. “You need to stop talking that way. First of all, this is entirely theoretical, and none of it matters because you are going to be okay. You’re going to get better, and you’re going to marry my sister like you promised to. If the worst happens, you’re still going to marry her, because she is never going to let you go. Do you understand that?”
I paced the room, my mind racing. How could he even think Ellie would want anything but him, regardless of what happened after the surgery? They might not have been married yet, but wasn’t that what vows were all about? In sickness and in health? They were planning to make that commitment, and I knew that if things were the other way around, he would never give up on her. As angry as I was with Ellie, I knew she, hell, neither of them, would ever be okay again without each other.
“I could die, Lucy,” Drew said, quietly. “I’m not saying this to be dramatic. This is fact. There are so many things that could go wrong.”
“I won’t accept that. That is not going to happen. You are not leaving Ellie. You’re not leaving any of us!”
“Lucy!” I stopped pacing and turned to him. He reached his hand out to me, and I stared at it for a moment before stepping forwards and placing my hand in his. “Look at me, Lucy.”
Slowly, I raised my head to meet his eye. I let my gaze travel across his bruised, scarred face then searched his eyes again to find the light I needed to see. The fight I needed to see. All I saw was fear and pain.
