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I love this kid so much. “You’re not a brat.” I let go of her hands, stood, and leaned down to hug her tightly.
Kayla circled her arms around me too and for a moment, everything felt right in my world, even though lots of things were still really wrong. Taking care of Kayla gave me a mini escape from the grief and tiredness. But it was a school night and she couldn’t stay. Plus, I had to face up to reality sometime.
When Kayla left, I trudged into the living room, where Jude sat on the edge of the sofa, bolt upright and staring into space.
“Hey you.”
Jude slowly turned his head at the sound of my voice. Instead of the smile I’d expected, the corners of his mouth were turned down slightly, his brows lowered. “So, when were yo
u planning to tell me you kissed Jesse?”
Chapter 12 – Stupid, Selfish, Not Worth It
For the whole time I’d known Jude I’d never once seen his eyes blaze with so much hurt. I felt it wrapping around me, creating a coldness that rippled down my spine and nestled inside my stomach. I wrapped my arms around myself. For the first time ever I had no idea what to say.
“You kissed Jesse.”
The part of my brain that usually rattled out words at a scary speed had frozen. I had to tell him what happened but I couldn’t form words. Couldn’t even make them form inside my head. All day my emotions and thoughts had bashed against each other. Now, when I needed them, they’d all dried up.
“I’d have thought Kayla would be happy about it. You’ve spent so much time at their place you’re already like one of the family.”
The word “family” slammed into me and knocked me breathless. Whether Jude realised or not, my issues with family were a big part of the things I’d done. He had every right to be upset with me but the reminder of why I’d gotten swept up in Jesse’s world stung.
“You were listening?”
“I walked by the kitchen and heard.”
“I didn’t kiss Jesse.” I took a few steps towards Jude, standing in front of him then kneeling on the floor so we were at the same level. “I made a big mistake. I tried to kiss him yesterday, he backed away, and that’s all. Once I got out of his house, I realised I’d been an idiot.”
Jude stared at me, pain still etched in every part of his face, from the frown on his lips to the small lines around his eyes. Like I’d carved them there with my selfish, messed up actions. The chill inside me dropped another couple of degrees. I wanted to reach out for his hand, to feel his warmth, but I knew it wouldn’t be there. I didn’t deserve his comfort; didn’t know how to comfort him.
“You think that’s enough of an explanation? You’re my wife, and whether you kissed him or not, you obviously wanted to or you wouldn’t have tried.”
Yeah. I couldn’t counter that point. Talking around it, making excuses? A waste of time. I did want to kiss him at the time.
“You’re right. I wish I could tell you I didn’t know what I was doing, but I’m not going to lie to you, Jude. I never have. I’m not going to start now.”
He bowed his head for a second and I swear his hand moved towards mine then stopped. He rested both hands on his knees and let out a slow breath before looking up at me again. “So, what is this thing with Jesse?”
“There’s no ‘thing’. Not anymore. I mean, it wasn’t ever really a ‘thing’. Nothing happened. I just… I thought I had feelings for him.”
“You thought you had feelings for him? I’m guessing you more than thought you had feelings for him or we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.”
He wasn’t going to make this easy. No reason why he should but dammit, it wasn’t easy for me to explain. Not without making him feel worse, and it wasn’t his fault. My feelings were partly tied to Jude’s actions, though.
“Did you even notice I was unhappy, Jude? The last few weeks we’ve been living in this house like roommates for the most part.”
“I noticed. I tried to talk to you last night, remember? You shut me down.”
“I needed to think.”
“You were thinking about Jesse.”
“I was thinking about us!”
“You slept in the spare room. You didn’t even want to share a bed with me, Bree. I know things haven’t been good between us but I didn’t think it had to do with you having feelings for someone else.”
‘Did I do this to us?’ I’d forgotten Jude said that the night before. At the time I didn’t understand, or have the energy to figure it out. Since we were having a serious conversation I had to ask.
