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I couldn’t help thinking it was because of everything that she still didn’t trust him, but that was beside the point. Because, honestly, he was right. Again. Their rough start was over. Like a million years ago. While we both knew it was a hormonal thing making her paranoid, it didn’t make the situation any easier to live with.
“I’ve never been pregnant so I can’t speak from experience,” I began, “but I have friends who have children, and some of them said they went through the same kind of thing. They felt gross and heavy and unattractive, and-”
Radleigh shook his head. “She’s never looked more fucking beautiful. Every day I’m with her, and I know she’s carrying our baby inside her, it makes me… I just want to kiss her and thank her for giving me something I never knew I wanted so much. She’s not unattractive, she’s perfect.” He turned to me, his fingers unclenching slightly and a tiny smile lifting the corners of his lips. “If you tell anyone I said that, I’ll kill you.”
I laughed softly. “Have you told Leah? Because she’s the one who needs to hear it. If you feel that way every day, tell her every day. Tell her until she believes it. Don’t let her let those bad thoughts get the best of her. She’s tough, she can work through it on her own, but she doesn’t have to. You’re here.”
I blinked back the tears as I said those last words because I wanted that. A man who was there for me. Like Leah, I could deal on my own, I had no choice. But I wanted to feel love again, the way I did with Will. More than anything, I wanted to get through a full conversation with someone that didn’t end with me feeling so shitty. Shitty about losing Will, and shitty for being a useless friend.
“I do tell her,” Radleigh said. “Sometimes it’s okay and it makes her feel better. Other times it’s the start of a new fight.”
“Tell her more often.” I took a few swallows of my drink, trying to get my focus back on Radleigh. “There are what… two months left until the baby’s due?” Radleigh nodded in confirmation. “That’s a long time when things aren’t great between you, but once the baby comes, everything will be good again.”
“Will you talk to her? Could you try to get her to open up and tell you what the hell’s going on inside her head?”
“Sure. But keep in mind I can’t break the best friend code. Whatever she tells me, I can’t tell you.”
He rolled his eyes, but I knew he understood. I was being slightly facetious with the mention of “the code” but there was truth at the heart of it. I wouldn’t betray her; wouldn’t betray either of them. But if I could help them smooth things over, I would.
That familiar ache crept back into my bones; Leah wasn’t the only one with a monster taking over her brain. I downed the rest of my drink, and even though I’d barely been at the club for an hour, I needed to get out. There was somewhere I needed to be.
Chapter 3 – At Last
Creeping around a cemetery after dark is something only weirdos do, right? Then, I’d definitely become a weirdo. Using the torch on my iPhone to light my way, I wished I’d brought a jacket with me. It had gotten chilly, and I was mildly creeped out about being in a graveyard at 10.30pm. I kept shifting my eyes from side to side and turning around to make sure I wasn’t being followed. If anyone had followed me, they’d have thought me totally nuts and more than a touch paranoid.
But I knew where I needed to be. Even though it was stupid and maybe reckless. Who knew what kind of people hung around in cemeteries when the sun faded and the moon came out?
I craved peace, and going home wasn’t going to provide enough. Sure, it was my sanctuary, but after trying to help Radleigh with Leah, and remembering that special feeling of being wrapped up with someone you love, I had to be close to Will. Had to talk to him and settle the unease inside me.
I reached Will’s grave and sat down next to his headstone in my usual spot.
“Nights out without you suck. All nights without you suck, but I really miss that awesome feeling of having a great night out with you then going home together and lying on the bed, laughing about everything that happened. The warmth of being close to you. I think I miss that more than anything, especially right now.”
A tear dripped down my cheek and I brushed it away with the back of my hand.
“I know I have to stop this. I have to stop talking to you like you can hear me. Like you’ll appear and hold me, and tell me how to move forward. Because I know you can’t and you won’t. I guess if you could, if I knew I could just come here and see you again, I’d never move on.
“Every single first without you kills me, Will. Tonight I really wanted to stay at the club. I wanted to socialise and hear more about everyone’s lives because I think I’ve turned into a selfish bitch. That’s not me, but now I’m lost. I’m trying so damn hard to make an effort to be part of our group again but this past year so many things have changed for so many people, and since you died, I’ve changed. I miss you so much that part of me is missing too. Part of me died with you, and maybe that’s okay. Maybe that’s just what happens when you love someone. But I have to find a way to heal, or at least learn to live without the chunk of my heart that was buried with you. I just… I wish you could give me a sign, or some kind of message to help me figure out how to do that.”
I’d heard about people who’d gotten “messages” from the other side. Read about them in magazines, and seen them on those shows where those with “the gift” talk to dead people and relay words of comfort from people who’ve passed. I wasn’t much of a believer in any of it. Those shows and stories seemed like examples of con artists playing on people’s emotions, and exploiting the vulnerable to make a quick buck. But I’d never more wanted to believe. To think Will could send me the answers I needed to help me when I couldn’t find a way to help myself.
More tears dripped down my cheeks and I wiped them away then stood up because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to leave but I knew I shouldn’t stay. Underdressed for a night time walk anywhere, let alone a damn cemetery, I questioned my sanity again. If I’d calculated all the time I’d spent in that exact spot beside Will’s grave, the number would have been huge. I didn’t always talk to him, especially not during the day when there was a chance of being overheard. But I had spoken to him more than was probably considered normal. Did “normal” people talk to their dead loved ones at all? I asked Bree once, but she said she didn’t. Her nightmares stopped her from wanting to. Of course, her situation was a lot different to mine. I knew she’d talked to Will after he died, right after his funeral. But she didn’t keep coming back for hours on end, just to be close to him.
“Freya.”
I spun around, heart pounding at the sound of my name. For a seco
nd I thought… no. Stupid, Freya.
“What are you doing out here?”
Miguel didn’t sound surprised; after all, he’d known where to find me. His eyes flickered with sadness; whether for me or Will I didn’t know. I opened my mouth to explain but no words came out. What would I have said? It wasn’t as if my friends didn’t know where I went when I disappeared for long periods of time.
“You just left the club without a word to anyone. We were worried. Can we please get out of here?”
I couldn’t bear the pain on his face; it intensified the chills running through me, sprinkling my arms with goose bumps.
“Freya, please. I can’t stand being here but I won’t leave you here alone.”
