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“Do I have to explain?”
The idea of recounting the way things had played out caused my heart to beat faster again, and my cheeks grew hot with embarrassment as I remembered the things I’d said. The way I’d asked him to help me feel again.
“No, of course not. I’m just trying to understand.”
“That makes two of us.” I sighed. “I thinkI was out of my mind on Friday night. I mean, I wasn’t drunk or anything, I was totally sober. But everything had gotten on top of me, I felt suffocated. Miguel kind of forced me to see I’m not the only one having a hard time, and I’m not the only one who still misses Will. I knew it, of course. I get that I’m not the only one, even if sometimes it seems like I don’t. But when he really pushed me see to how much we need each other, everything came tumbling down.” I looked up at Bryce. “It was all me. I was the one who initiated it, and now…” Tears filled my eyes and I lowered my head quickly as the reality of what I’d done slammed into me again. “I slept with Will’s best friend. Will died four months ago. Four. How could I do that to him? What the hell kind of way is that to grieve?”
Everything I’d tried to block out flooded through me; the guilt, the ache, the emptiness I’d tried so hard to get rid of. When I laid it all out, that was what it came down to. I had sex with my late boyfriend’s best friend. The two people Will trusted the most had trampled all over his memory by doing something unforgiveable. I suddenly understood why Miguel had backed off. Maybe it was too much for him too, in spite of our efforts to move past it. Obvious, really, but he was the one who was so certain our friendship would be okay. I didn’t expect to find myself alone again and carrying the weight of a mistake we made together.
Bryce reached over and placed his hand on my knee. “I’m not judging you for what happened.”
“Well you should. If anyone else found out, they would.”
“Freya, for whatever reason, you made a decision in the moment. It’s not like you lured Miguel to your apartment with the intention of sleeping with him.”
“That’s not really the point, is it?”
The ache inside me took a firmer grip, twisting my gut. I clutched my hand to my stomach and shook my head, hoping the sick feeling would subside before my lunch made a re-appearance and re-upholstered Bryce’s leather seats. This was an awful ending to a day I should have celebrated. I’d made it through a full day of work without anxiety knocking me to the ground and sending me home. Instead, I’d fallen back into a spiral of regrets.
“I can’t change how you feel about what happened,” Bryce said. “But I know you, and I know what you’re going through isn’t easy. If what you did made you stop hurting for a little while, then maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing.”
“Except now there’s more pain, and a large helping of guilt to go along with it.” I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to stop the shivers as everything overwhelmed me. “Why did it have to be Miguel? I mean, I’ve been alone with all of you guys at some point. Why him when it could have been…”
“Me?” Bryce chuckled. “I think there are a few reasons, and I think you know them. It could have just been the time and place. Mostly, I think it’s because you and Miguel were the closest to Will. I know that’s the part that’s screwing things up for you, but you have to see… that’s probably why it was him and nobody else.”
He was right. I did know the reasons, and they were a huge part of what was screwing me up.
“Did you notice Miguel avoiding me today?”
Bryce nodded. “A little. He sure disappeared quickly this morning when he was talking to you in the cafeteria.”
“He said he had to go warm up, but…”
“You think he feels bad too?”
“I know he does. But we spent yesterday together and I thought we’d gotten past the worst of it.”
Bryce quirked an eyebrow but said nothing. After a while he gave in to a sigh. “Do you want me to talk to him?”
“God, no,” I rushed out. “You can’t tell anyone about this. I mean, if this gets out…”
“Okay.” Bryce stared into my eyes, showing me he understood. “Okay. Is there anything I can do?”
I shook my head. “I don’t think so, not right now. But, I’d really appreciate if I could come to you when things get too much. I’d usually go to Leah, but she’s got enough to worry about, and… well, how can I tell her I slept with Miguel? He’s her ex-boyfriend.”
Bryce chuckled. “Oh, that’s what you’re worried about? Freya, come on. You know I adore Leah, but… she cheated on Miguel. I don’t think this will be a concern for he
r.”
I narrowed my eyes slightly. “That’s not the point. She still dated him. That’s a line that shouldn’t be crossed, at least not without talking to her first.”
“By the sounds of it, there wasn’t really time for that!”
In spite of my worry, when Bryce laughed, I couldn’t help joining in. Within seconds, though, moisture formed behind my eyes again. This wasn’t funny.
I let out a pained groan and bowed my head, blowing out a breath. “I hate this. I hate that I can’t allow myself to relax, or laugh, or just be. Everything I do feels like a betrayal; even the little things.”
“It hasn’t been long. Not long enough for you to settle into a life that feels normal. You lost someone who was part of everything you did. Will wasn’t just some casual fling, he was your best friend and your colleague. Getting used to him being gone and trying to do things that used to be simple… they’re going to hurt. They’re going to hurt for a long time. I know you can’t help how you feel every time you try to be yourself, but at some point, you have to let go and let it happen. Maybe you’re not ready yet, but punishing yourself for trying will only make it harder.” Bryce took my hand and brought it to his lips, planting a soft kiss on my palm. “We’re all here for you, sweetheart. But this thing with Miguel, that’s for you and him to deal with together. Call him. Go home right now and call him. Whether you like it or not, you need each other. Don’t let what happened between you ruin your friendship and stop you helping each other through this.”
