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He cast his eyes down for a second and shook his head. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I think.” Miguel raised his head again. “What I mean is, and I don’t know why, but I panicked a little. I thought you might be trying to push me away again which was really stupid because after yesterday, I should have known better. I do know better. I just… I wanted to be the one who was there for you and instead of doing that, I backed off. I’m sorry.”
Panic. The way I felt when I thought Miguel was avoiding me. What was up with that? With us? We’d patched things up, ready to move on, but admitting we needed each other had caused a bunch more issues than we’d expected. Instead of supporting each other, we tiptoed around, hyper aware of the fact that we’d taken the comforting thing too far, and no matter how much we insisted it wouldn’t be, it was awkward.
I wanted Leah. I wanted my best friend to wrap me up in her arms and tell me what to do.
I wanted Will, because if he was still here, my life wouldn’t have turned into this mish-mash of complications and feelings that made no sense.
More than anything, I wanted control of my emotions again.
“I gotta say, it never crossed my mind that Bryce would bother you,” I said, eventually. “I considered a l
ot of things, but that wasn’t one of them.”
“Why would it be? It makes as little sense to me as it does to you.” Miguel’s fists clenched. “I can’t stand this, Freya. I hate the way I feel right now. I’m trying to be a friend to you, the friend I’ve wanted to be since Will died, and I’m trying to be okay with what happened between us. Everything’s all upside down in my head. For a while I think what we did was okay. I mean, not okay, but I guess maybe… understandable. Then reality kicks in and I feel like an asshole because there were so many things we should have done differently that night.” When he paused, I reached over and placed my hands over his. Slowly, he unclenched his fists and his shoulders sagged. “What we did was wrong. But if I’d left you, that would have felt wrong, too. No matter what choice we made, it wouldn’t have been the right one. Either way, nobody really wins.”
“Do you think I don’t feel that way too? It’s like I’m not in control of my brain. I’m struggling to keep a grip on everything, and being back at work, difficult as it was, was a major step for me. My first real shot at figuring out how to live my life without Will. I’ve got a long way to go, and now I have something extra to weigh me down. And you know the worst part? I don’t feel as bad about sleeping with you as I should, and that’s what’s killing me. Spending the night with you was the first selfish thing I’ve done since Will died. The first thing I’ve done that was just for me, without considering the consequences.”
Again, Miguel gave an unsure smile. “You couldn’t have just blown a month’s wages on some new shoes?”
I closed my eyes against the laugh that desperately wanted to break past my lips. I felt the corners of my mouth twitching, but just like when Bryce had tried to make a joke in the car earlier, this wasn’t funny. Miguel’s ability to lighten the mood was one of my favourite things about him, but there was so much more to discuss. So much more that was too serious for kidding around.
When I lifted my eyelids, Miguel’s smile had vanished. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to check we could still do that.”
“What? Laugh?”
He nodded. “I know you haven’t had many reasons to smile lately, but I miss it. I miss seeing your face light up, and hearing your laugh. I know it sounds corny but you don’t realise how happy a person was until… well, until they’re not anymore.”
It may have been corny, but he was right. And I missed being happy too. I missed being carefree, and I missed how easy life used to be.
“What are we going to do, Miguel?”
He laced his fingers through mine and squeezed my hands. “I don’t know. I guess all we can do is keep being honest with each other. I don’t want to be pushed out of your life again, so if things get too much, if you freak out about what happened between us, or if you just want someone to scream at… I want to be that person.”
I nodded. “Okay. Same goes. I don’t want to feel like I’m losing you either.”
He lifted our joined hands and pressed his lips against my fingers. “We’ll be okay. I promise.”
Chapter 8 – Lost In My Own Life
After my first day back, work slowly got easier. Not gonna lie, there were some days when my anxiety peaked and I had to go home, but those days got less and less and the panic eased. Two challenges faced me daily. Working without Will was the hardest thing, and the biggest battle I’d ever faced. When I looked around for him then remembered he wasn’t there, heaviness pushed down on my chest, crushing down on me until I couldn’t breathe. Every single day I had no choice but to push through, and as much as it crippled me, it also helped me. Helped me face up to the reality that he wasn’t coming back. The days I’d spent hiding at home, I could live in denial. I knew the truth, but I wasn’t opposed to a little magical thinking to get me through the days. Work stole that from me, but it was okay. It had to be okay because I couldn’t pretend forever.
The other challenge was my friendship with Miguel. The friendship itself wasn’t challenging; that was as easy it always had been. Instead of being at Leah and Radleigh’s, I hung out with Miguel more often. That led to more turbulent, guilty thoughts – not only because of Will, but because of the way I’d initially treated Miguel. It had hurt to be near him, but being around him also helped to soothe some of the ache inside me. If I hadn’t been so determined to keep him away, would I have gotten back to work faster? Started healing faster? Maybe it wasn’t him that helped at all, maybe I was just ready to push myself more, but either way, I couldn’t help the constant battle inside my head that told me I was betraying Will somehow by getting closer to his best friend.
Three weeks had passed since my first full day at work, and an event had loomed on the horizon for the past week, a somewhat unexpected one since Cody Rivera didn’t usually make a massive deal out of his birthday. However, since his birthday fell on a home weekend, he’d decided we should all go to the hottest roller disco in town and celebrate eighties style by dressing up in clothes from the time fashion forgot. Sounds a little weird, huh? A famous soccer player wanting to go to a place often frequented by kids and women attempting to recapture the fun of their youth. But Bryce had ratted Cody out with the revelation that there was a hot woman working the bar there, and Cody wanted her as his birthday gift. He’d met her at the roller rink a few weeks before, when he’d taken his nieces skating, and he hadn’t stopped going on about her since. Being the supportive friends we are, we agreed to make Cody’s birthday an event, so on a Saturday night at the beginning of July, I was dressed in a hot pink tutu, black polka dot pantyhose, pink legwarmers, and a black tank top. I’d spent almost an hour crimping my hair and adding a big oversized pink bow to complete the look. My make-up also featured pink eye shadow and lipstick; nobody could say I hadn’t made an effort.
Thankfully, all my friends had gone to an equal amount of effort, and the sight of so much neon attacked my eyeballs until I wanted to squeeze my eyes closed from the glare. Even Leah, who wasn’t even able to skate since she could barely walk, had dressed in retro maternity overalls for the occasion.
“Lookin’ good, Freya!” Leah giggled as she surveyed my outfit. We stood by the bar but faced the roller rink which was already filled with people. As suspected, the place was filled with bachelorette parties; their “Bride To Be” sashes occasionally lit up under the flickering lights. There were also a few groups of guys, eyeing the parties in the hope of bagging a future bridesmaid or giving a bride a final fling. The place kind of reeked of hormones, but it was difficult not to get swept up in the atmosphere. Cody was already leaning over the bar a little way from us, chatting to the woman he hoped to take home, and I laughed.
“He’s not so subtle, is he?”
“Not even a little bit.” Leah watched him as he slid a piece of paper, probably with his number on it, across the bar. “Ah well, it is his birthday.”
“Right, but he shouldn’t be staring at her as if he’s wondering what she’ll taste like smeared in birthday cake!”
Throwing her had back, Leah laughed out loud. “At least he won’t have to think about what to choose for his wish when he blows out the candles!” Her lips twitched. “And, you know, maybe she’ll help him with the… blowing.”
“What’s funny?” Radleigh asked as he and Bryce approached us. Radleigh slipped an arm around Leah’s shoulders, and she looked up at him in a way that showed they’d sorted out their differences. The spark, the unmistakable aura of love around them was back; everything was as it should be.
