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“Freya, calm down. Breathe. Until you’re ready. You’re not someone who’s going to take advantage of the time off, I know that. You need more time, you got it. I can’t have you here like this though.”
He didn’t need to say any more. He needed staff who were focused. We had games to win, a soccer league to top. He couldn’t have me bringing everyone down, reminding them of what we’d lost. I wasn’t mad at him for thinking it; he was right. I probably didn’t have the right mind frame to be at work, but I didn’t want to let him down.
I took in a long breath and let it out slowly, trying to regain my composure. “Can I just have a few more days? Start over on Monday? Maybe if I come here tomorrow, just for an hour or so, I can get used to being here without any pressure. Next week I’ll be better.”
Richard’s expression clearly told me I didn’t need to push myself, but he humoured me. That was the trouble with being so close to my teammates – I couldn’t hide anything from them.
“Sure. If that’s what you want to do. But right now I want you to go home and try to get some rest.”
Funny. Until he mentioned it, I didn’t realise how tired I’d become. Maybe it was flu. Sure, I hadn’t been sleeping well, but at that moment I felt completely wrecked.
“Do you want me to get you a cab?” Richard asked.
I shook my head. “I’ll call Leah. She said I should call her if I need to.” I let out a short laugh. “I guess she saw this coming.”
Leah and Radleigh’s place had sort of become a meeting point for everyone who was miserable or lonely. Both Bryce and I had been there a lot since I lost Will and Bryce split from his wife. Leah and Radleigh had embraced it; their two best friends both needing a safe place to crash now and again. Sometimes Leah and I would sit together and chat, and Radleigh and Bryce would play video games or go out for a beer. Sometimes we all hung out together, watching movies or having dinner. Those nights were the ones that got me through the roughest spots and I’d never be able to repay them for everything they’d done for me.
“She’s a good friend, that’s all.” Richard gave me a warm smile. “I’d better get outside. You can wait in here for Leah if you want. Or you could… come out and say hey to the guys?”
“Thanks, but I think I’ll wait here. I need to psych myself up for tomorrow.”
“Okay. I’ll see you in the morning.”
With a nod, Richard left and I pulled my cell out of my bag to call Leah.
In spite of the L.A traffic, Leah arrived at the training ground within thirty minutes. I didn’t even hear her open the office door; I’d zoned out. The sounds of my colleagues training washed around my brain and I imagined Will was out there with them, his face serious as he talked with the guys, then his lips turning into that stunning smile when someone made a silly remark, distracting him. The way he ran across the field, watching, offering advice. His long legs taking huge strides to reach an injured player, or to share a joke with Miguel. The way he casually lay back on the grass in the heat of the day, the sun beating down on him while he closed his eyes and basked in the warmth. The ache in my head intensified, along with a tugging sensation in my stomach, pulling me towards a place I couldn’t reach.
“Hey.”
Leah’s voice was soft, aware I wasn’t really present. Even so, I jumped because I thought I was still alone; however gentle, her had voice shattered my thoughts. Her head tilted to one side as she took in my damp cheeks.
“Do you want to me to take you to Will?”
This was why I loved her; why I loved all of my closest friends. Who else would call visiting the grave of your boyfriend “taking me to Will” like he was sitting in a bar drinking beer or something?
With a shake of my head, I rose from the chair. I couldn’t go there again. Not yet. “Can we go to your place for a while?”
“Sure.”
Leah reached her hand out to me and I took it, squeezing gratefully. It was getting harder to hug her these days with her ever-growing baby bump. On such a petite frame, it made her look a little unbalanced, like she might tip forward at any moment. She still had two more months before baby McCoy made an appearance though, and she’d looked off kilter for at least the last four weeks, poor thing.
I’d spent an abnormal amount of time at Leah and Radleigh’s house since Will… you know. At first, I didn’t care where I was, as long as it wasn’t home. I sat, tuned out of the world, while Leah tried to force feed me so I didn’t starve. When I started to become aware of my surroundings again, I felt awful for taking up so much of her time. Time she could have spent doing something better than keeping watch over me. Also, I didn’t think Radleigh was happy to have me there. He never said so or did anything to make me feel unwelcome but having a sobbing woman in one of his spare rooms couldn’t have been much fun.
As we entered the colossal entrance hall, I gave Leah a tired smile then my feet steered me to my normal place; the far end of the sofa, where I tucked my legs underneath me and picked up a pillow to hug against me.
Little by little the tension and sickness I’d felt at the training ground ebbed away. I could almost feel every muscle slowly unclench, but as it subsided it left doubt and fear in its place. What if it happened again? What if every time I went to work, I wanted to run? I’d never felt so freaked out before, and especially not when amongst friends. Instead of feeling their support I’d felt as though they were staring, judging me, unsure whether I was stable enough to be t
here, and then I’d well and truly proved I wasn’t. Realistically, I knew that wasn’t true. I knew my team mates and they weren’t waiting for me to fall, more like cautiously checking on me while trying to pretend everything was the way it always had been.
“Here you go.”
Again, Leah’s gentle voice broke me from my thoughts and as I looked up at her she handed me a hot cup of tea. English tea, of course. I’d grown to love the stuff her mom had shipped to her since she first moved to the U.S. Tetley, I think it was called. It was my go-to comfort drink, and of course Leah knew this because she’d been the one who had spent the most time comforting me.
“Thank you.” I took the cup, firmly wrapping my hands around it as if it might warm some of the chill inside me; thaw some of the ice around my heart. Leah sat beside me saying nothing, just waiting as she so often did. Sometimes I never said anything for hours and Leah stayed right beside me, not moving, not asking questions, just reaching for my hand occasionally, or pulling me into a hug when the tears fell. Sometimes she cried with me, though I never knew if it was because she missed Will too or because she hated seeing me in so much pain. Probably both. Whenever she needed to leave to make us a drink or some food, she dropped a kiss on the top of my head, and when she came back to me we started the whole thing over again.
“So,” I began then blew the steam away from my drink before continuing, “today sucked.”
“How are you feeling?”
