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I shook my head. “I don’t know. That’s the problem, Leah. I always knew my first day would be awful but I honestly thought I could do it. It’s work. I’ve been there a million times before, seen the same faces day in and day out, and done the same drills over and over again. But the place feels empty now. Darker.”
I’ve always heard people refer to losing someone as being similar to a light going out, a star being snuffed out in the night sky. I thought it was just a metaphor, but everything in my world truly felt duller. As if someone had altered the contrast and everything had grown dim.
“I know.” Leah let out a sigh. “I hate that I want to tell you it gets easier, because for you, it might not. Not for a while, anyway.”
“It’s supposed to get easier. Or maybe not easier, but slowly more bearable. Right now I only feel lousy for maybe eighty percent of the day. That’s progress, right?”
Leah threw me an understanding smile and a nod. “That’s progress.”
I spent the afternoon napping on Leah’s sofa, exhausted from my meltdown. My dreams were full of distorted images of soccer players; faceless spectres swimming around my brain, but surprisingly I felt a bit more rested when I woke up. The scent of Leah’s homemade lasagne greeted me and my stomach growled. That was new, or at least a welcome return. I hadn’t felt anything resembling hunger in a long time but Leah’s home cooked food had awakened my appetite and I smiled in spite of my terrible day. As my eyelids fluttered open I became aware of soft voices around me and as I blinked away the sleepy haze, Bree, Bryce, Miguel and Radleigh came in to view.
“We were just deciding whether we should wake you up.” Bree smiled.
I blinked a few times and sat up. Bree was right beside me, where Leah had been when I fell asleep, and Miguel sat beside her. Bryce sat on the leather sofa at a right angle to mine and Radleigh sat on the floor beneath the enormous TV that hung on the wall.
“Sorry. I hope I didn’t keep you waiting.”
“Not at all,” Bryce said. “You’re right on time. Leah’s just about to serve dinner.”
In my confused state I’d forgotten we’d all been invited to Leah and Radleigh’s for dinner. It was supposed to be a “welcome back to work” thing for me, but since I’d barely made it through five minutes it didn’t occur to me that the dinner would go ahead. Jude and Jesse were the only two people missing; Jesse because he had a late physio appointment, and Jude because it was his mom’s birthday so he was visiting her. Bree would usually have gone with him but she’d said she wanted to be here for me, and I was grateful. After Leah, it was Bree’s positivity that had kept me from falling into a miserable heap I couldn’t get up from. She’d mellowed, putting her hyperactivity to one side so her incredibly kind heart shone through. Bree was living proof that things can get better after the worst kind of tragedy and on the hardest days, she was my inspiration to go on when I wanted to give up.
“How come nobody’s in the kitchen helping the pregnant lady?” I asked, rubbing my eyes. Honestly. All those people and not one of them had offered to help serve the hungry masses?
“I’m on it,” Radleigh said, rising to his feet, but he rolled his eyes and smirked as he left the room.
“I’m gonna help too,” I said, heaving myself off the sofa. Although my brain hadn’t totally unfogged yet, I figured moving around would be a good way to shake off the lingering tiredness. Plus, I thought I’d feel a little safer in the kitchen with less people around.
Safer? What’s there to be afraid of?
I was just tired. Still tired, that was all.
“No, let Radleigh do it,” Bryce said, grinning. “It’s not like he doesn’t need the practice.”
“Says Mr Domestic himself,” I teased, forcing myself to look him in the eye. I sounded like myself but felt a little detached from my surroundings, as if I was still dreaming. “When was the last time you put on an apron and helped in the kitchen?”
“Hey!” He threw his hands up. “I cook for myself now. I’m having a night off!”
Urgh, wake up! I cringed inwardly for being so insensitive. It hadn’t been long since Bryce split from his wife and I knew he was still getting used to the bachelor life. In many ways we were going through a similar thing, learning how to be alone again and I should have known better than to draw attention to it.
He must have sensed my inner regret and he gave a small shake of his head and a wink to let me know he understood. I wasn’t deliberately being a bitch; my words just came out wrong.
“Come on,” Bree said, standing up and shattering the awkwardness. “Let’s go wait in the dining room. I’m starving!”
While my friends enthusiastically rose to their feet, knowing they were in for a culinary treat, I made my way to the kitchen to see if there was anything I could do to help. As I approached, I heard raised voices and paused, not wanting to interrupt. Getting in the middle of a fight between Leah and Radleigh was never a good idea, especially not when I was still trying to regain full awareness of the world around me after my dreams.
“I can’t help my job, Leah. You know how it works.”
“I used to be a part of it.”
“You’re still a part of it.”
“Not when you’re away,” she insisted in a snappy tone I’d never heard her use before. “When you’re away, I’m not a part of it because I’m here. On my own.”
“Leah, come on. You’re never on your own. Right now Freya’s around, and Bree’s always here, and Jesse too.”
“They’re not you.”
I crept away, knowing I shouldn’t have listened for as long as I did. What was up with Leah? She’d shown no signs of feeling lonely or edgy but Radleigh’s tone gave the impression they’d had this conversation before. Puzzled, I wondered what had made Leah feel alone. Radleigh was right – and boy, I never thought I’d say that – Leah always had people around her. She sounded almost insecure which was crazy since Radleigh was a changed man. Sure, they still bickered, and I was sure they still had some major blow-up fights sometimes, but they were secure. Or they seemed secure. I’d thought me spending so much time at their place was a problem, but maybe I needed to spend more time there, at least when Radleigh was away. Maybe then Leah would open up to me.
