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“If I hadn’t shown up at the dance, you wouldn’t have followed me,” I said, choking back tears. “I nearly killed you.”
“I was already killing myself. Suffocating. I chased you down because you’re it for me. You’re what I want. I’d do it a thousand times over again if I had to. And I brought you here because…” Tears filled his eyes. “I needed my mom to know that I knew what love was. That I’d felt it too.”
I shook my head. “I ruin everything I touch. You can’t love me—”
“I can and I do.” River’s jaw clenched. “Please don’t go.”
He didn’t know what he was saying. He was flying high after coming out to his dad and thinking he could conquer the world, my demons included. But in a very short time, his family was going to suffer unspeakable loss. He couldn’t hold them together and clean up the mess that was me too.
River read my face and his heart broke. His stupid, misguided heart that I’d tricked into loving me cracked in front of my eyes.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…
“Selfish,” River ground out, his face a grimace.
“No,” I said, my voice trembling. “It’s the least selfish thing I can do. You just can’t see it yet. But you would. Staying is selfish.”
He started to speak but the front door opened, and his father and sister stepped into the entry below, carrying boxes of pizza and drinks. They stopped when they saw us, Amelia surprised but smiling while Mr. Whitmore’s brow furrowed as if he hadn’t yet worked out his feelings about his son’s revelation.
I turned to River.
He shook his head. “Stay…”
I could stay. They’d let me sit at their table and share their pizza dinner and I’d be part of a real family for the first time in my life. I could sit with Nancy a few minutes more and soak up her motherly love until her light went out. I could be there for River through the worst pain. But then what? The vision of him slouched in the banged-up cab of his truck with blood trickling from his ear was a warning that Alaska wasn’t done with me. It never would be.
I smiled tremulously. “Dinner’s ready.”
“Holden—”
He reached out to grab me; I felt his fingers snag my coat—so close—but I evaded his grasp and took the stairs down, past his family staring after me and out of the house, into the sallow twilight.
James was waiting for me at the car, leaning against the door, smoking.
“Get in,” I said and tore open the back door. I hurled myself inside, hiding like the coward I was. “Drive.”
James knew when to not ask questions.
He drove us through the quiet streets, the rows of perfect houses. Homes with green lawns and fences and families inside getting ready to sit down to their dinners.
Just a few more days, I told myself, hunched in my coat, shivering like a lunatic. I’ll have my money and can disappear…
But how long would that take? A few days was too long.
“No, wait,” I barked at James. “Not home. Take me to Central High.”
“Yes, sir.”
James swung a hard U-turn and took us to the school where I ordered him to park in the faculty lot.
“Wait here.”
It was early evening; the campus quiet, but the Admin building was bustling with teachers and counselors finalizing graduation requirements and paperwork.
I stormed to the Records Office and threw open the door. “I need my diploma. Now.”
Ms. Reed, the records secretary, peered at me through half-moon glasses. “I beg your pardon?”
“I want my diploma. Or whatever record that proves I’ve graduated.” I smiled showing all my teeth. “Please.”
