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Ruby cocked her head. “Is that a yes?”
“I think it might be,” I said, tears filling my eyes. “But I’m scared. A lot. Not only because my heart is on the line, but because there’s actual danger here. Real, life-threatening risk. The stakes are so much higher. Life-changing.”
Or life ending.
I shivered and pulled my hands from my glass.
“And it’s worse, because I could lose Weston too.”
“Wes?” Ruby wrinkled her nose. “I didn’t realize you were close.”
“We have good talks. I like him. I can be myself around him.”
My truest self.
The thought slipped in like a cat through a cracked door. The same way the memory of that damn kissing dream came to me, sometimes bringing along little details like our hands locked on the bakery table, or our private jokes, or the song “Ocean Eyes” that seemed as if it were written about him.
Dreams don’t mean anything. We’re friends. We have history. I can care about him and still love Connor.
The thought felt…wrong somehow. As if it scratched at the truth but wasn’t all of it.
“I can’t be with Connor and not have Wes in my life, too,” I said, shooing the errant thought away. “And I’m scared I could lose them both.”
“It’s going to be okay,” Ruby said. “They’ll come back from Boot Camp and you’ll have some time with Connor. Enjoy it. See what
happens. Take it one day at a time.”
I forced a smile. “I should get back and try to get some sleep. Or some work done. Stay if you want.”
“We just got here,” Ruby said, pouting.
“I know, I’m sorry. I’m not feeling it.”
Ruby pursed her lips again. “I see Lisa Dean over there with some people.” She inclined her head to a booth in the corner. “I can hang with her, since you’re ditching me so cruelly.”
I hid my small sigh of relief in my coat collar. “Are you sure you’re okay? About Hayes?”
She sighed. “Yeah. Stings a little, but it’s not the end of the world.”
“Okay. See you at home.”
“Are you going to be okay?”
“Once I put some real time into my classwork, I will be.”
“You party animal,” Ruby said. “See you later tonight.”
I slipped off the stool and headed out, speed-walking the entire way to our apartment. Inside, I dumped my coat and purse on the floor and went immediately to my desk where Connor’s letters lay on top of population growth graphs and political science texts.
My heart cries out to you, from behind walls that are years’ deep and stacked tall with old memories that demand I keep quiet. They say I don’t deserve to be heard, and that happiness belongs to those more worthy. I’m scared, Autumn, that they’re right.
Tears blurred my eyes and I held the page to my heart.
“They’re not, love,” I whispered. “I hear you.”
Weston
The brilliant South Carolina sun shone in a clear blue sky, while a cool breeze made standing at attention bearable. Bravo Company stood on the field in block formation with the other graduating battalions and companies. Now that we’d made it to Basic Training graduation, I hardly felt the heat. Nor the itch of the thick wool and polyester of my blue dress uniform. My expression was empty. No more smirks. I’d pushed them all out and left them on this field.
