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“Because I wanted more for you!” he barked, my mother clasping her hand against her chest at his outburst. “This wasn’t the plan.”
“Right.” I laughed, nodding. “I forgot this was your life… not mine.”
I wanted to go to Charlotte, more than anything I had ever wanted in my life, the urge to close my eyes and make this disappear lingering in my thoughts. This was all too much—the baby and my father’s disappointment in being unable to control my life.
“I need… I need to go for a run.”
I walked into my bedroom and put on my trainers. I left the house with the women still basking in the news, and my father sulking in disappointment.
With my headphones on, I searched my playlist needing something that reminded me of a happier time. I ran hard along the hiking trails, not letting my mind think about the baby.
I stood against a tree, trying to catch my breath.
The dream was falling apart.
I was going to shatter this for us.
I needed her right now.
I needed to feel her one more time before our delusional bubble burst. The song quickly changed, and I decided to do what I had done nearly every night when we were apart—I stood in the dark watching her room.
My focus moved to her bedroom window—the lights were out—she must have been sleeping. I wanted to crawl into her bed, hold her tight, and promise Charlotte we would get through this somehow.
We could run away, leave everyone and everything behind. I’d do that for her if she asked me. I would do anything as long as it meant she stayed in my life.
We slept in separate rooms that night, but I didn’t sleep. Samantha chose not to talk to me, nor did she bring up Charlotte again. I lay awake thinking of ways to get out of this. How could I have let this happen? I didn’t recall having sex with her, but then again, I’d been so intoxicated.
I had to see Charlotte, just one more time. I still didn’t know what I was going to do. Tomorrow, I thought, I would tell her before someone else did.
Tomorrow arrived quicker than I anticipated, and with my gut in wrenching pain all day, I decided tequila would solve the problem. So maybe I drank more than I should have, but it eased the pain and hid that hollow feeling that seeped into every crevice.
On top of the cliff, at our special place, she sensed it straight away and called me out on it. What I didn’t expect was for her to think I was telling her that it was over. The pain stabbed me, not tiny daggers but samurai swords, deep cuts bound to leave permanent scars. One by one I felt them strike as I watched her expression. The sword was pulled out of my heart for a moment, so I could say the words which echoed in my head—I couldn’t breathe without her.
“Ride or die, ‘til death us do part.”
I left Charlotte that day promising her I’d find a way for us to be together. Somehow, there had to be an answer to would solve this massive fucking mess I created.
It bought me more time to figure something out.
Once I sobered up, I planned it out. I was going to tell Samantha I’d support her and the baby, but I couldn’t go on with our marriage. I didn’t love her. My heart belonged to Charlotte, it always would.
As I drove into my driveway, I noticed my parents’ car parked behind ours. Oh, for fuck’s sake, more baby talk. Taking in deep breaths, I prepared myself for the overjoyed baby talk about to fall all over me.
The moment I stepped inside the house, I heard sobbing. It was coming from the living room. I walked down the hallway to find Samantha buried into my mother’s arms, my father looking furious, and Adriana, well, she sat there staring at the floor.
“What’s going on?” I asked, hesitating as the ambiance in the room was morbid.
“How could you do this to Samantha, Alex?”
“Mom, what are you talking about? Do what?”
“Charlie.” My father strained as he spoke.
Oh fuck.
My shoulders crumpled as my eyes fell to the floor, unable to come up with anything worthy.
I knew one day it would come out, but I didn’t think it would be in front of my parents like this. I searched my brain for an explanation, but nothing I said or did would ease this moment.
