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“Grandma Mason? I haven’t seen her in years. Do you mean in Connecticut?” I asked, alarmed.
Connecticut was on the opposite side of the country. I wasn’t ready to completely let go, my home is here, and Dad was here.
“Yes, Connecticut,” he says, lowering his gaze. “I love you, Charlie, but you need to get your life back together. This town is no good for you, and I’m no help. I need to be on the road to pay for this house. You should be in college come fall and experiencing life. I don’t want you to regret things because you’re waiting for him to return.”
“I’m not waiting for h-him to return,” I stammered, trying to defend myself. “Even if he returned, he has a family now.”
The words cut like a knife, slicing and tearing me apart at the thought. I’d spent too many nights wide awake, wondering what they were doing. Torturing myself as I visualized him rubbing her stomach while he sang lullabies to their baby. How happy he must be to have a family, completing the package of their so-called marriage. I’d even gone as far as to picture what their baby would look like—beautiful. And then it would hit me in a new wave of pain, everything I had imagined we could’ve had one day was all being experienced in real time with her.
But Dad was right. The whole town hated me. I was the mistress whore. I had nothing left. I had been stripped bare, and all my dirty laundry had been aired for all to see. People judged me, calling me names.
I’d avoided going into town now so as not to run into Dr. and Mrs. Edwards. I’d heard from Finn that Adriana and Elijah left for the summer, but he didn’t know where. Most of the kids in school were busy traveling or getting ready to settle into their college dorms.
Finn, of course, was busy with Jen. They were as steady as you
could get and had enrolled in community college to stay with each other. I’d thought about it, but not wanting to be a third wheel, there was also no reason for me to stay here anymore.
I’d gotten into the University of California where Adriana and I had planned to attend together. Aside from that, I applied to Yale but was waitlisted. Studying law was something I’d toyed with but moving across the country at the time terrified me. As a result, I hadn’t gotten in anyway and still hadn’t heard from them.
“But I haven’t been accepted into college on the East Coast?” I said out loud, suddenly feeling the weight of my decisions. “I guess I could take a gap year or apply to community college, maybe even work?”
“There are options, Charlie,” he reassured me. “I just need you to be happy, okay?”
I ran to my dad and hugged him tightly. His overpowering smell of Old Spice comforted me. I buried my head into his shirt clutching onto him for dear life, scared to say goodbye, but knowing I wouldn’t be okay if I stayed here.
“I’ll miss you, Dad,” I sobbed into his shirt. “This falling in love business is hard.”
“Me, too. More than you can imagine, kiddo.” He held onto me, kissing the top of my head before letting me go. “And one day, you’ll fall in love with someone you’ll love and will love you back just the same. I know he’ll treat my princess the way she deserves to be treated.”
“Oh, Daddy!” I buried my face deeper into his chest, allowing my tears to fall as he clung to me tightly. I never considered myself a daddy’s girl, but he had been here for me more than my mother, and I would never forget that.
I walked up to my room, pulling a suitcase from the spare room closet. I opened my dresser, pushing aside my clothes, looking for it. Underneath my shirts, I pulled out the jersey, his jersey. I still hadn’t washed it, and I allowed myself to do the one thing I said I wouldn’t do—I lifted it to my face and inhaled the scent of the fabric.
It was him.
I sunk to the floor and held onto the shirt, the tears falling and soaking the fabric. It was finally time to say goodbye. Alex was never coming back. He chose to leave me and walk away never to return, and so I mustered up what little strength I had and finished packing my bags.
The next day, after another sleepless night, I stood at the doorway, looking at my room one more time.
My bedroom no longer looked inviting, the walls were stripped of any memory reminding me of my best friend. This room, cold and empty, had no more life left in it, so as I closed the door, I was saying goodbye to this life.
***
I sat perfectly still, this feeling of being so insignificant overwhelmed me. Around me was chaos with people rushing to board their planes, others brimming with happiness as they welcomed family and friends. Then there were those waiting to say goodbye with tears and hugs, some trying to remain brave, but like most people, it only got you so far. Even amongst all that commotion, there were others who sat like me, headphones in place, drowning in their fate, their destination.
“Charlie, you don’t have to do this. Who cares what people think? If they got a problem, then tell them to become good friends with my fist.”
The battle had been fought. I’d lost and had no fight left in me.
“I deserve it, Finn. What on earth was I thinking?”
“You weren’t thinking. You were infatuated with him. Okay, so what, he’s a college major in medicine. C’mon, Charlie, you could have anyone you want. He’s married—”
“You don’t think I know that? Finn, I didn’t choose this… I mean it was my choice in the end, but it was impossible to push aside how I felt about him, and I thought he felt that way, too.”
“Charlie, he’s a guy, he thinks only with his dick.”
“No… that’s not true. What about you?”
