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“Well, I was thinking about my dick when we had sex. Yes, I know, even though my dick couldn’t follow directions for shit.”
I laughed for the first time in a month, and it intensified to the point that people with their headphones on turned around to look at me, but I couldn’t stop. It was the relief I needed, and Finn just sat there looking at me, slightly amused and equally offended by my ability to laugh so much at his pathetic dick.
“Gee, Charlie… I know it wasn’t great but… ouch,” he complained.
“I’m sorry…” I laughed harder. “I was remembering when you were looking for the hole—”
“Oh, c’mon, Charlie, it happens to the best of us.”
“And you were like, are you sure this is your vagina?” I roared.
His grin widened, and uncontrollably his shoulders moved, his laugh barreling out as he remembered the moment.
“Well, I didn’t think our first time should be doing it back door. Jesus, Charlie, I was hopeless. If it’s any consolation, I have gotten better, much better,” he claimed with a wiggle of his eyebrows.
Catching my breath, the laughter slowed down, and I smiled at Finn. He was a massive part of my life that would no longer be a five-minute walk down the road, and so the tears fell, and without fail, he pulled me into him as I clutched his chest.
“Hey, listen to me. I know where the hole is now. Jen can attest to that.”
“Finn…” I scolded softly.
“I know, Charlie, we’re not gonna have these moments, but you’re only a five-hour plane ride away. We can still call each other every day, and you’re gonna kick ass in college and make me proud. I know you can do this. You need to move on. I know you loved him, but you need to face the fact that he chose his life, and it was without you. You’re eighteen, Charlie, plenty more guys out there, and now it’s your turn to break their hearts.”
“I can do this,” I chanted to myself. “You’re right, I’m eighteen. It was simply my first love, and I have so much to experience in college. I’ll forget about him… won’t I?”
“Maybe… maybe not. But I’m certain that even though you may not forget about him, there will be someone else who’ll knock your socks off and know where your hole is.” He laughed.
“I love you, Finn. I couldn’t have asked for a better best friend.”
“I love you, too, Charlie. Always will.”
He hugged me tight until the announcement came for the final boarding call. As I said my goodbye, I realized that it wouldn’t be forever, and Finn would always be a part of my life as much as Alex was. With my headspace slightly clearer, it occurred to me Alex really was my first love, the kind you read about in romance novels. Everything I felt was textbook—the grieving for the loss of what we had—and while I wouldn’t have wished for an ending like this, I was able to, for a moment, believe that I could put this behind me.
All I had were memories. He was gone in the flesh—where to, I had no idea—and so I boarded the plane with a glimmer of hope that across the other side of the country, I’d find Charlie Mason again because I missed her.
I missed the girl I used to be.
LEX
Present
I roughly cough like I’ve swallowed a bunch of razor blades.
My eyes are shut tight, and I’m unable to ignore the fire clawing up my throat. Water, I need water. Struggling to open my eyes, they sting as the light hits my retinas. What the fuck is wrong with me? I give up trying, burying my head under the pillow to fall asleep again.
Attempt number two—this time I take it slow.
As my eyes open, the bright light burns once again. It’s the fucking sun. I pull the sheet above my head to block out the light. Something feels off against my skin.
I pull the sheet tighter against me. What the hell is it? It’s wet and sticky. My eyes are still closed, but I can feel it against my torso. I place my hand down searching for this odd thing annoying me, scraping my palm against my body until I find it toward my ribcage. Clutching it in my hands, I bring it to my eyes.
It’s a condom.
Fuck!
Startled by the discovery, I sit up unwillingly staring at this pie
ce of rubber, a result of my pain. I fucked up big time! What the fuck have I done?
