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If mom had her way, we’d be married with kids by now, but it’s just not…right, and I think he can feel it. He’s been clinging on, hoping for the best and I’ve been letting him because I’ve been terrified of being alone. The last guy that left me tore my world apart and it’s a feeling I never want to experience again.
If I had to go through the pain of that again, I think it might just kill me. So, I’ve let him hold on and ignored the feeling inside me telling me that it’s wrong.
I should let him go but I can’t.
I make my way over to my old closet and begin rifling through it while wondering how I got into this old shirt. It doesn’t go unnoticed that this is one of Rivers’ old shirts. In fact, it’s the shirt I’d stolen from him the night we’d slept together before he went back to complete his training with the military. That was the last time we were physically together and it was everything I’d imagined.
After that night, I’d thought things were going to change between us. When he got in that taxi and drove off, I thought I’d see him again in a few months. If I’d known I was never going to see him again, I would have held on with both hands and never let him go.
The year following that was hard. I would constantly check the door and mailbox, waiting to hear something, anything from him, but nothing ever came and the door never opened.
Until yesterday afternoon. Which has me wondering how the hell he knew about the wedding in the first place. Something screams Noah, but the sneakiness of it has Henley written all over it. I think we’re going to have a lot to talk about over dinner tonight.
I don’t know how I ever came out of that depression and truth be told; I think I’m still kind of there. Spencer was like a little piece of magic thrust upon me He kept me going. He kept me sane, and he never allowed me to fall. But here I am.
I grab something to wear and search out a towel before heading down to the bathroom and ignoring my parents’ piercing voices. I’m just about to step into the shower when I remember the bucket.
Shit. Without a doubt mom will walk in there to deal with it and I don’t want her having to clean up after my mistakes, especially after all the mistakes she’s already had to clean up when it comes to me and Noah.
I double back to my room, grab the bucket while trying my hardest not to gag. I push my way back into the bathroom and deal with my mess before finally giving myself a few minutes of peace to shower. I clear my head and focus solely on the hot water cascading down over me. At this moment, no one exists. There’s no Spencer to deal with, no Rivers to torture myself over, no Henley and Noah to be apologizing to. No one. Just me and the hot water.
I scrub myself, trying to wash away the memory of last night before washing my hair and realizing it smells strongly of my past. When the water begins running cold, sadness seeps into my chest. I’m not ready for this shower to be over. The second I step out of here, I’m going to have to face the real world and right now, the real world terrifies me.
What happened to me? I used to be so strong and so sure of myself. This person that I’ve become isn’t me. I miss the old Tully. I miss the girl who would stand up for what she believed in and was able to tell it like it is. I’m barely even a shell of that girl now and I want her back.
The next hour passes in a blur. At some point, I find some pain-killers that were left on my bedside table and throw them down the hatch while mom shoves something in my face to eat, only that makes me want to hurl all over again. I ask dad to drop me back at my apartment as I don’t think it’s a good idea to be driving, and before I know it, I’m collapsing down onto my couch, absolutely loving the silence of my empty home.
I’ve lived here for nearly three years and have enjoyed every moment of my independence. When Noah got his own place with Henley, it left me the sole focus of my mother’s attention and while I love her dearly, I was in no state for that constant hovering.
Now living on my own, I feel as free as a bird and I’ve never looked back. Besides, there’s nothing quite like your own private space to throw yourself a pity party and wallow in all of your doubts, hurt, and pain.
