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It’s been two weeks since the shocking break up and I call it shocking because it hit me out of left field. One second I thought he wanted to make it work and the next, he’d given up on everything and let go of the three years we shared.
Since then, I’ve heard that he’s taken Lacey out three times. Now, it could just be a budding friendship that’s growing over some kind of mutual respect, but something tells me it’s something much more. While I shouldn’t let it bother me, I can’t help but wonder how much he actually loved me if he’s able to be moving on so soon.
He used to tell me that I was his world and that I was the only woman he could ever see his life with. I guess words are just words and they don’t mean anything unless it comes with action.
Crap, Tully. Don’t get yourself worked up over this bullshit again.
Two weeks this shit has been circling my head and when it’s not, it’s Rivers. He’s been doing me a favor by keeping away, but he’s stupid if he doesn’t think that I notice him walking by the store every damn day. My soul burns for him, my body craves him, and my heart belongs to him. When he walks by, it’s as though something pulls from within me and instantly has my eyes snapping up to the window.
I had a day where there weren’t too many orders to fill so didn’t go in until after lunch. Candice took charge for the morning and kept everything running smoothly, but when I got there, I’d found Rivers sitting across the road on a bench with a mountain of a hamburger between his fingers. When he looked up and noticed I was there, his eyes instantly scanned over me and I realized that he was making sure I was ok. His face smoothed out with relief and I walked on through to my store.
I don’t know how long he’d been sitting there, but something tells me he would have waited all day just to make sure I was doing alright. The second the door closed behind me, he got up off the bench and walked away, still focused on throwing the hamburger down the hatch.
I know I shouldn’t, but I’m starting to believe him when he says that he’s going to make it right. He’s never wanted to openly be there for me before. He’s always loved me in secret. It was always something that was hidden from my brother and when that finally came out, it was something we never acted on…well sort of. We certainly had a few dirty nights between the sheets, but for the most part, we could never cross that line to finally be together.
But now…things seem different with him. He seems open, willing…wanting. And I’m terrified of letting him because when it comes down to it, nothing has really changed. While he seems different, he’s still that stranger I fell in love with at eleven.
Everything I know about him, I’ve discovered through other people. I don’t know the real him, the him that he’s kept hidden from us for so long. How does he expect anyone to be ok with that? When it comes to me, he knows every tiny little detail about my life. He knows what makes me tick, what I like, and how I love. With him, there have been many things that I’ve been able to learn over the years, but yet he’s still a closed book.
I don’t know if I could even consider moving forward with a friendship with him without knowing who he really is, but then, I’m also terrified of learning all the dark things that he’s worked so hard to keep hidden from me.
It won’t change my perspective of him though. He was dealt a shitty hand in life and judging by the way he walks with his head held so high, I’d dare say he’s come right out the other end, stronger and braver than ever before. He’s making a life for himself and I don’t doubt that he’s going to be just fine. Perfect in fact.
Shit. Why do I have to love him like this?
All I’ve wanted for the past four years was to forget him, but it’s impossible. I’ll never be able to move on until he finally gives my heart back and I have a feeling he’ll be holding onto it as hard as he can. My heart is never coming back to me and one of these days, I’m going to learn how to function without it.
I pull myself out of my turmoil. I’ve spent every night over the past two weeks falling into this endless cycle of thinking about boys who I should be trying to put behind me, but every night I fail. Not even Netflix and ice cream can save me.
