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I felt the dark gulf creeping at the edges of my vision.
How many times had I given in before? Disappearing inside the darkness was so much easier, it almost felt welcome.
It had taken everything in me to climb out this last time, to cling to dreams of something better, to crawl towards the pin-prick of light in the distance.
But always there was this leaden mud threatening to drag me back down. I wore it like a veil, a wedding veil that had wrapped itself around my neck to choke me and drag me backwards.
Some things a person could never forgive themselves for.
The fucking crème anglaise.
I turned over and moaned into the pillow still left on the bed, the dense material swallowing the grief-filled noise. I curled in on myself.
But as I laid there, shaking in the dark, I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand myself. Being in my own skin. It hurt. Every second that ticked by on the clock on the nightstand felt like a stab of pain. Being alive hurt.
I threw off my covers and stood up. I’d go out of my goddamned mind if I lay there another second.
My entire body shook as I paced around my small room. I scrubbed my hands through my hair, then reached to the bedside table for my water glass. It was empty.
Good, I couldn’t stand to be in this tiny room a second longer. It felt too much like a cage and God knew I couldn’t stand to be fucking caged for another second of my goddamned life.
I yanked on a pair of leggings, my robe and slippers. Then I eased out of my room and down the stairs, empty glass in hand.
But when I got to the kitchen, and drank a cup-full of water, I still felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I looked out the kitchen window at the moon, slammed the cup down on the counter and then went to the door. I pulled it open and walked out.
The blast of cold air on my face felt good. Bracing. Like a shock of awakeness.
I was alive.
I was here.
I wasn’t her anymore. I wasn’t. I wasn’t, dammit.
I looked up at the sky, my nose stinging as I fought back tears and wrapped my arms around myself. The moon wasn’t completely full, but it was close. And the sky was full of stars. So many stars it was almost unbelievable. Always a city girl, I’d sort of thought pictures of skies like this were photoshopped, but here it was, right above me.
I gulped the cold air into my hot lungs. It felt like a knife, but in a good way. It made me feel my body, from the insides and the outsides at the same time.
I was here.
I was here, I’d made it.
This was life.
Being alive in this body.
Free.
“I thought I was the only one who liked to stargaze in the middle of the night.”
I yelped and jerked backwards.
“Shit, sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” Reece waved from about fifteen feet away where he stood, leaned back against the fence with a cigarette in his hand.
My hand went to my heart. “Jesus,” I said, breathing hard. “You scared the crap out of me.”
“Sorry, I got that.” He did sound like he genuinely felt sorry. “I wasn’t sure how to let you know I was here. Guess I did that wrong.”
I laughed, the sudden build and release of tension making me feel ridiculous. I was like a jumpy cat around these people.
I sniffed and swallowed, blinking back any tears that had built up. “No, it’s fine,” I said, my voice a little shaky. “I just had a nightmare, so I came out for some fresh air. Guess I’m still a little jumpy.” I uncrossed my arms, then recrossed them, looking around. “What time even is it?”
“A little after two in the morning.”
“So what’s your excuse? What are you doing up at this hour? You have to be up at dawn. And I didn’t know you smoked.”
“Oh, well. Only sometimes.” He looked down at his cigarette. “It’s weed.”
“Oh!” Then I felt silly for being surprised. Lots of people smoked in California obviously, I just didn’t realize it was easy to get in Texas. Or that Reece… I shook my head at myself.
He leaned down and stubbed it out on the ground, his face a little sheepish when he looked back up at me. “Jeremiah doesn’t approve, naturally.”
“Hence being out here at two a.m.?” I asked.
He shrugged. “And I can’t sleep sometimes.”
“You?”
“That surprises you?”
I shrugged, feeling a little embarrassed. “I don’t know. You just seem so… I don’t know. Solid. Unperturbed by life.”
He laughed. “That’s a new one.”
“What? Are you kidding?”
He shook his head. “No way. Jer considers me the fuck up. The one he always has to look out for.”
