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VEGETARIAN T-shirt, and would allow him two minutes to educate the guests about the wonders of donating to PETA. I countered with no. He came back with what if he could just write a poem that he’d dedicate to Otter and me? Then he gave me that wide-eyed dazzling grin face thing he does so well, and I fell for it again, reminding myself that next time would be the last time.
We decided against having anyone officiate the ceremony, deciding that we’d just say our own things and go from there. After that, we’d register as domestic partners (gag!) with the state of Oregon. The Kid told us daily how the tide was changing and pretty soon we could get married for real. I couldn’t tell him that I wouldn’t care about that, that this was real enough for me, that the following week, we were going to have our last names changed over to Thompson.
And I couldn’t tell him I was terrified.
Don’t give me that look. That terror had nothing to do with doubts or earthquakes or oceans or any other metaphors that I’ve ever thrown in. It had nothing to do with my infinite neurosis. No. I was terrified because I was going to be standing in front of my family, and I would have to open my mouth and say words that were meant to be sweet and binding and everything else that was in my heart and soul? Are you fucking kidding me?
I remember staring at Otter when he said we should just write our own vows, but my ability to speak had fled, and he’d taken my silence as consent and two days later had come to me and let me know that he was finished already. I asked to see his, hoping to just copy his down and maybe change a couple of the words. He told me there was no way in hell. I told him I wanted a divorce. He just laughed.
So I thought about what I was going to say, okay? I really did. I even wrote down a few things to try and get my mind going, to get something out on paper that would be even remotely doable. But everything I wrote turned into a laundry list of why I thought Otter was hot and made me sound like I was the most superficial asshole in the world. So I thought and thought and thought some more.
And I was still thinking when I was walking down the hill on the sand, everyone watching me as I made my way down to the beach, my tux flapping in the warm breeze, my feet bare and digging into the sand. I passed through the chairs on either side of me, vaguely aware of the people there: Erica, Eddie, and Georgia (the Custody Trio, as I referred to them), Stephanie and Ian Grant (looking way too happy considering how their daughter’s former boyfriend was getting hitched to a man right in front of them), Jordan and the bar gang (and weirdly, Isaiah and David Trent were practically in each other’s lap, which was pretty hot, if you like that sort of thing—I don’t), Alice and Jerry (Alice already sobbing and Jerry leaking a tear or two), Creed and Anna (Anna looking as big as a house, getting ready to pop any second), Dominic and the Kid (Dominic’s arm on the Kid’s shoulder, the Kid grinning from ear to ear).
There was one empty seat, one that would not be filled, at least physically. I passed by that last chair and paused, just for a moment, telling Mrs. Paquinn quietly that I loved her and that I hoped God let her drive stock cars like she always wanted.
But it was him I saw the most. The gold and green were as bright as they’d ever been as I stood in front of him, my hands trembling as he took them in his own. He watched me for a moment, and then he proceeded to make everyone cry like a little bitch with his wonderfully thought out, totally manipulative speech. I could see the glint in his eyes as my lower lip trembled when he said, “You are my soul mate.” I saw the way his lip curled into a half smile as his mother started sobbing when he said, “I’ve always known that I would love you.” He was trying to hold back his laughter as his father broke down as well when he said, “And I promise to take care of you, because you are my family, and I will protect you with everything I have.”
By the time he finished, even stoic Dominic was wiping his eyes.
And then it was my turn.
I didn’t know what I was going to say.
That’s never stopped you before! it laughed. Just go with it!
So that’s what I decided to do.
I opened my mouth to pledge myself to this man… and a seagull shit on my shoulder.
I kid you not. I was staring into his eyes and was ready to pour out my heart and soul in front of our friends and family when something wet and hot landed on my suit coat. Otter’s eyes went wide, and everyone in the audience suddenly found themselves no longer crying, but gasping, their jaws dropped. I looked over on my shoulder and saw the grossest pile of crap that I’d ever seen in my life. My shoulder began to get warm and my eyes narrowed, and I looked up to see a lone seagull floating on a breeze overhead.
But not for long.
As if it could feel me watching it, it lowered itself toward the earth and landed on a table next to where we stood. Right on top of the food. Right next to the candles flickering in the breeze. Right next to the stereo softly playing music of no importance. This… I’d been here before. Déjà vu, and I knew what was going happen.
“You,” I snarled. “You son of a bitch!”
I ran over to the table, desperate to finally kill the bird because I knew it was the same one as before, that my nemesis was back to exact its revenge on me for not allowing it to eat the food from that night so many months ago. I didn’t understand how a bird could have memory, much less be vindicti
ve, but it didn’t matter, because we were now at war, it and I. I heard everyone start cracking up behind me, and I heard Otter say astutely, “That bird really hates your guts, Papa Bear,” before he dissolved into his own mirth, and I told myself that once I was done ripping the seagull’s head off, I would turn around and give a speech so saccharine that even Eddie wouldn’t be able to console them when I was finished. I would destroy them, and they would drown in an ocean of their tears.
But first the seagull.
Of course, I failed spectacularly.
The seagull saw me running toward it with my hands waving above my head, trying to make myself look bigger than I was. I’d seen at least eighteen different nature shows with Mrs. Paquinn to know that you always want to make yourself bigger to scare things away. It squawked angrily at me, and until the day I die, I will insist that at that moment, right when I knew I had the upper hand, the bird looked me straight in the eye, lifted a single wing, and pushed over a candle onto the tabletop.
And of course the tablecloth caught on fire. Which led to the balloon strings and given how fast they burned, you would have thought they were soaked in gasoline. Which burned up to the helium-filled balloons surrounding us. Which led to all of them exploding in such rapid succession that it felt like we were in some war-torn third-world country being attacked by enemy insurgents. Once I picked myself up off the ground (only because I tripped, obviously not because the balloons exploding around me made me think the helium inside would burst and light everything on fire, including me—I tripped, okay?) the seagull had already taken off and was again floating lazily above us, calling down to me, mocking me. I screamed up at it that one day, and one day soon, it would be on my barbeque, its little feet sticking straight up into the air, and I would eat the fuck out of it. The Kid looked sufficiently scandalized and invoked Mrs. Paquinn for a moment when his hand went to his throat and he muttered, “Well, I never.”
And then, “Oh, shit.”
Creed, in hysterics: “Dude, Anna laughed so hard she literally pissed herself! Oh my God, I am going to make fun of you forever for this! No one will even remember that time I said I kinda wanted to fuck Bear! It’ll be all, like, ‘Hey guys, you remember that one time when Anna wet her—’”
“My water just broke, you moron!”
“Ha, ha! That’s what I’m saying! Your water bro—wait, what?”
And then we were all running.
