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“Would you be okay if that were you and Bear?” the Kid asks, already knowing the answer. “If you could only see him every once in a while?”
I wouldn’t be, no. I’d be far from okay if that happened. Bear is my life.
I shrug, not wanting to commit more.
But he sees right through me, as he always does. “Me either,” he sighs.
“Trust me, I’ve tried to rationalize it any way I could. Tried to tell myself it’s hero worship, that it’s the fact that I’ve known him for so long. That he’s always been there. But that’s not it. At all. I know it’s not because there’s sometimes when he smiles at me, that one smile he only does for me, and my heart starts to race and my skin starts to itch, and I feel sweaty and alive and like I could take on anything that was thrown at me, if only he would smile at me like that again.”
“Shit,” I breathe. “You love him.”
He snaps back to me. “You can’t tell Bear,” he says, almost panicked.
“He would just freak on top of everything else going on. You know that. I can’t take that now. It’s going to be hard enough as it is.”
I can’t tell him that I’ m freaking out because he needs me right now.
“You can’t expect me to hide this forever,” I tell him. “It wouldn’t be fair to your brother. You’ll need to tell him at some point, Kid. It’ll be fine. You’ll see.” That sounded sincere.
He looks like he doesn’t believe me as he turns to stare back out the window. It’s starting to rain. He looks morose and upset, and I try to think of anything I could say to cheer him up, but then his phone rings, interrupting any chance I might have had. The Kid sighs as he looks down at the display. But even I can see that spark in his eyes, the small smile that tugs on his lips as he answers.
“Hey, Dom. What are you—what? Ha! Shut up. I do not! I’m not worried at all. Everyone’s gonna love my speech. They will too! You’ll just have to wait and see. I’m not going to tell you yet. Because you have to be surprised! Hey, can I ask you a question? Oh, what? She does? Oh. Well, tell Stacey I say hi back. What? Nothing’s wrong. I am telling you the truth!
Don’t tell me what I am—what question? Oh, yeah. It’s not important. Don’t worry about it. Ah, God, you’re so annoying. Fine. I was just going to ask you if you’d come visit me when I was away at school. It’s not that big of a deal. You will? Really? You won’t… never mind. That’s dumb. Jesus! You won’t forget about me or anything? What? You’ll think about me every day?
Wow. No. I’m not going to say it. Just Otter. I’m not going to say it! Ugh!
Fine. Friends until we’re old and gray, beginning to end, day after day. I was nine when I first said that! Whatever. My poetry skills rock. Is it okay if I ride with you to the graduation? Cool. Is Stacey going to be there? Maybe she could take her own car, and we could—yeah? Cool. Alright. Just come over. I know. I know you’re proud of me. I know. Yeah. I’m going to miss you so—what? Stacey says you gotta go? Okay. Yeah. Love you too.”
The Kid hangs up the phone.
“It’ll be fine,” I say helplessly. I don’t know what else to do.
“Sure,” he says, his voice hard. It doesn’t even sound like him. “Sure it will.” He looks so small. Just a little guy, really.
It’s pouring now. I can barely see through the rain.
Sure it will.
Dammit. The only thing I’m sure of now is that Bear’s really gonna freak.
