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“Did he hurt you?” He’s angry.
“No. No, it wasn’t like that. Why’d you have to tell me people check me out? Now people think I’m irresistible!”
He laughs, but it doesn’t sound like he finds it funny. “I told you. You didn’t believe me.”
“Anna saved me from Isaiah,” I grumble.
“Oh. Is that his name?”
“Yeah.” I chew on my bottom lip.
“Did you want to be saved?” He sounds hesitant.
“Don’t be stupid.”
“That’s not answering the question.”
“I can handle myself. It’s starting to piss me off that all of you think I need your help. I don’t. I can do things on my own.”
“That’s always pissed you off. And you’re still not answering the question, Bear.”
“Fuck you, Otter.” I hang up on him.
And I call him right back. “You know that shit doesn’t fly with me,” he growls as he answers.
“I know,” I say quietly. “Are you going to break up with me?” Christ, I hate how I sound, but I can’t stop it.
He laughs again, and it sounds a bit better. “No. Honey, why would you ever think that?”
He’s never called me that before. We’re not one for endearments, he and I, and my eyes begin to burn. “I don’t know,” I manage to choke out.
He hears it. He hears everything. “How long till you need to get to class?”
“Ten minutes.”
“Good. I’m going to tell you something, okay? And I want you to listen.
No talking, no interrupting, just listen. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“One day, a long time ago, I was sixteen years old. It was a normal stupid day. I was sitting on the couch, playing video games, when I heard the doorbell ring. I knew that my brother’s friend was coming over, so I yelled for him, but he didn’t hear me. The doorbell rang again, and I got up and answered it. There was this scrawny little guy waiting on the other side, and he looked like he was terrified, and I didn’t know why. I told him my name and he squeaked a bit, and then Creed came crashing down the stairs, and the little guy was gone with him. It wasn’t till later that night that I saw him again, at the dinner table, and that was when he named me. He didn’t say it to my face, and it actually came from Creed, but he named me nonetheless. I was Otter from then on.”
I know this, I know all of this. But why does it feel so different hearing it from him? Why don’t I want him to stop?
“I watched you grow up,” he says, his voice soft. “I watched everything you knew come crashing down around you. I was a cause of part of that, only because I knew I loved you, even then. I was gone, but you were not forgotten. I came back and found you to be stronger than anyone had any right to be. A bit cold, maybe, but strong. I didn’t think that you could feel for me like I did for you, even if part of me knew you did. It was not something I thought on often, because it made my head hurt, that knowing.
And then I would see you with Anna. I hated her, at least partly, for having what I wanted. What I thought was mine. And you hated me for coming back, and don’t try to say you didn’t. I know you, Bear. I know what you think, what’s in your heart.”
He speaks truth. I did hate him, and for however brief it might have been, it had still been there, glassy and sharp, all-consuming. He was my mother, his actions the same, but so much more. I never expected much from her. I had expected everything from him.
“But something happened. I don’t know when. I don’t know if it was that first kiss before I left, or the first time you lay against my chest that….
Something shifted in you, and it brought you to me. I wanted it, I wished and prayed for it, but I never meant for it to happen. I didn’t want to cause more pain than I had already done. I didn’t want to hurt anyone else. But I couldn’t say no to you. I can’t say no to you. I’ve never been able to. That’s why I ran. It’s why I came back. You might not believe all of this, just like you might not believe yourself, but I came back for you. Even though I told myself that wasn’t the case, I knew it. I came back for you, and I promised myself I was never going to let you go again.”
He sighs. “All I want is to grow old with you and know that one day, it’ll just be you and me, and we’ll be able to look back and be proud of what we’ve done with our lives. I want to know that you belong to me and I belong to you. I love you with everything I have, and I can promise you that I’ll never stop. I couldn’t, even if I wanted to.
“It won’t be perfect, Bear; nothing ever really is. There will be days when we’re angry with each other, and days where it seems like the world is a fucking messed-up place, but it won’t matter. Because I’ll have you and the Kid, and you’ll both have me. So whatever this is….” He pauses for a moment, taking a deep breath before he plows through the rest. I wish he wouldn’t, because I know what’s coming. “If you feel you need to sleep w
