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ith someone else, then tell me. I can be there with you when it happens or you can do it on your own. I would wait for you. To… get this out of your system or whatever. And if it does, then we can move on. If it doesn’t…
well, if it doesn’t we can deal with it then. But I won’t hold you back, Bear.
Not ever.”
“Shut up,” I say hoarsely. “You just stop it.”
“Bear,” he warns. “You can’t just—”
“No, you listen to me! You can’t tell me you want me and then say you’d allow me to fuck around, Otter! It’s not fair. I don’t want to, and it’s bullshit for you to say so! You can’t mean that.”
“If it’s what you need to do to stay with me,” he snarls, “then yes, I mean every fucking word! You’ve been with two people your entire life, Bear. You won’t know unless you see it for yourself.”
“Is that it? That’s your only reason? You sure it’s not because you want to fuck around? Offering a three-way so you can get in on it? Telling me to go fuck someone else so you can do the same?”
He sounds shocked and angry. “Hell no. How could you even think that?”
“Then don’t give me that bullshit!” I shout at him, not caring who’s listening to me. I’m terrified now, more than I’ve been in a while. He couldn’t have meant all that he just said. He couldn’t have, because the idea of anyone other than me touching him drives me up the fucking wall. I want to break things. “It’s like you want me to walk all over you. Tell me what you really want!”
“What I really want?” he says harshly. “You want to know what I really want? I don’t want anyone to put their fucking hands on you ever again. I want to get in my car right now and come to the school and find the fucking guy who thinks he can touch you, that he can even breathe the same air as what’s mine. I want to hurt him, snap his fingers, kick him in the face until he bleeds. I want you to know that you only belong to me and no one else. I don’t want you to fuck around. I don’t want to be there if you do because I’ll end up killing the person that touches your cock. It’s mine, you’re mine.
This has made me sick thinking about this, knowing what I would need to do in order to keep you, that I would have to let you go out on your own before you’d be completely happy with me and—”
“That’s what you think of me?” I snap at him. “You think it’s only a matter of time before I fucking cheat on you? Jesus, Otter, you’re making me sound like an asshole, and I haven’t even done anything!”
“But you’ll want to!” he shouts at me. “How the fuck can you know what you want? You’re just a kid!”
“Just a kid? Fuck you, Otter. Where the hell is this coming from? You just told me you loved me and that you didn’t want anyone else to touch me, but now I’m stupid? I’m just a kid? Fuck you! I’ve been through more shit than you’ve ever been. You think it was hard for you in San Diego? Oh poor you, being rich and having a fucking boyfriend and living life how you wanted to. Poor fucking Otter couldn’t stop thinking about some kid back home that he left behind, that he felt guilty over. Don’t call me a kid, Otter, when I’ve seen more than a person should ever have to see, done more than a person should ever have to do. I’ve given up everything for my life to be the way it is. To protect myself. To protect the Kid. You’ve given up nothing.”
He starts to backtrack. I can hear it in his voice. “Bear, I—”
“Is that really all you think of me? I thought we’d done more, that we’d been through more, meant more to each other than this. I know you think I’m young, and I know you think I haven’t seen what else is out there.
Maybe one day I’ll want to. I don’t know. But I don’t want to now. Now, all I want is you. I was scared today, and what did I do? I called you. That’s how it’s always been. Whenever everything got to be too much, whenever I feel like everything is crashing down on me, I turn to you. You’re the one who keeps me safe, keeps me sane. At least I thought you did. Now? Now I find out you don’t trust me? That you want me to go fuck around to get it out of my system? Who the hell do you think you are?”
I can’t believe the words that are pouring out of my mouth, the way I’m trying to cut him, trying to make him burn. My heart is thundering in my chest, sweat is dripping down my face, but I can’t stop. I feel like I’m suffocating, like I’m drowning, but I need him to hear me, to stop this terror in my head and heart.
“I don’t think—” he tries again, sounding upset.
“That’s your problem, isn’t it? You don’t think. You just do. You see something you want, and you go for it. David. Jonah. Me. And you’ve got me, Otter. You’ve got me more than you could know and yet you’re pushing me away! Don’t you get that I love you? That I need you? You tell me the same, but right now, I don’t know what to think. What to believe. I’ve given you everything. Can’t you see that? Yes, I’ve thought about it. Yes, I don’t know what it would mean for it to be you and me for the rest of our lives, but goddammit, I want to try, Otter. I want to prove to myself that we can make it. I don’t need anyone else. I know that. I know that. I need you.
That’s all I’ve ever needed. Don’t make that harder than it already is.” Only now can I stop and suck in air like I suddenly learned to breathe. I feel feverish and shaky, my hand like a vise grip around my phone. I’m surprised it hasn’t shattered. I feel guilt like hot oil sloshing around in my stomach, almost forcing me to gag and clutch my arms around me.
Jesus. This can’t be it. It can’t end over something so fucking ridiculous.
Ah, but maybe that’s the problem, it replies. Maybe the problem is that you think it’s so ridiculous. You think you’re freaked out? You think you’re scared? How must this be for him? Yes, there’s been a David. A Jonah.
Maybe there’s been a Judas and a Pontius Pilate as well; you might never know. But again, once again, you’ve somehow made this about you and only you. That self-righteous anger is so easy to fall back on, isn’t it? What was it you said one time? It’s one of my favorite Bear-isms: it’s so much easier to hate them when they leave. Is that what you want? Because that’s what will happen. Back off. Back away.
But he—
Back off, Bear. You’ve cornered him and nothing will be solved now.
Back. Off.
“I love you, Bear,” he says quietly, his voice rough. “But I don’t know if that’ll be enough for you.”
My breath hitches in my chest. “Otter—”
